Bring Me Some Wine
By Christine Leigh
Summary: Season four - Scully POV. Set after the end of Small Potatoes. Scully writes in her journal.
Category: Vignette, Angst
Spoilers: Small Potatoes.
Mulder, I want to start this entry by saying that if you ever read any more of this, that by that time I hope you know how much you meant to me while I lived. Whatever happens in the coming months, your being here during this time has made it tolerable. No other person could have done for me what you have by just existing, and if I am to die soon, I hope that I will have found the courage to tell you that before.
Mulder, you certainly are no Eddie Van Blundht. I realize the question you asked today as we were leaving him was rhetorical, but I also know that somewhere inside you, that you actually do feel the lesser man compared to him, and that is so wrong. Whenever I hear the sarcasm and irony in your words as I did today, I sometimes want to scream. I mean that literally, just stand in the middle of the office or wherever we are, and yell louder than I ever have. I don't know what it would do for you, but I think it might free me of some of the frustration I feel in not being able to say the things that I want to say to you. In short order these would be that you are the most attractive, desirable man I have ever known, that I love you, and that if you were to show up on my doorstep any night with a bottle of wine, I wouldn't turn you away.
Mulder, the night Eddie came knocking on my door I was surprised, and somewhat shocked, frankly. Soon, though, for the first time since my cancer was diagnosed I was able to forget about it. I was so happy to be sitting there sharing wine and conversation. Do you know how many times I'd envisioned us like this? More than you'd ever guess, I'm certain. When I first started thinking about us this way, it was as friends. That changed, though, on that night in the hospital after Penny died. So when Eddie leaned in to kiss me, I was ready. I had let go of all my stupid fears and I was going to meet you. That was the most frustrating, embarrassing, moment, and yet, also a deliriously happy one. Will that moment ever go away? Do I want it to? No, I don't think I do, despite my embarrassment. Or perhaps I'm presuming too much. No - my heart tells me that cannot be, and I pray your heart is a patient one. Mulder, this is my problem: I don't know how to bridge the gap between us. On one side there is my love for you and on the other is what? Dare I say what I hope is waiting? I've never known how to make the crossing and then Eddie of all people provided a space where that could start to happen. I hold on fiercely to what I saw in your eyes that night at the hospital, and yet I am still unable to move forward. Forward. Even before becoming ill that was a loaded word, and now it is a dreaded one. Will there ever be a day when there is no dread in thinking of the future? I pray for it, but am not feeling anything.
Mulder, I feel when I am with you. Good, bad, everything. Even when we are just sitting there in the office, each in our own corner working and not speaking. Those days it is especially difficult for me to leave. When I arrive home I'll take a bath, bundle up in my robe, and attempt to eat something. Then I'll read or watch television, but that doesn't last more than half an hour. Mostly I sit here and try to make sense of what has been handed me. Then I'll go to bed and to sleep that, mercifully, comes soon these nights. I prefer mornings to evenings; mornings you are nearer.
I've rambled on long enough for now, and what I've written tonight I hope you do not have the opportunity to read anytime soon. If you should, however, please know that I don't blame you for anything. That you were in my life is what mattered the most to me, above all other loves. Whether it ends in the coming months or many years from now, that will have been the most precious thing.
Mulder, bring me some wine.
~ End ~
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This story is (c) Copyright 2004 by Christine Leigh. "The X-Files" and its characters are the property of the Fox Network and Ten-Thirteen Productions and are borrowed here without profit or intent for profit.