Good-bye My Love
By Christine Leigh

Summary: Scully POV. Takes place during the teaser for DeadAlive.
Rating: G
Category: V, A
Spoilers: DeadAlive.

Last night I dreamed of Antarctica. I haven't before, at least not that I can recall upon waking. It was exactly as I remember it, Mulder, and despite the freezing snow it was the warmest of dreams. Once more, your arms held me. I can't imagine that I'll never experience feeling that warmth again, and yet that is how it is to be. A life to be spent without your arms around me, ever again. How cruel.

At this very moment I'm more numb than I've ever before been. What happens now? I see you in my mind's eye as I did the night you were returned, and I don't feel anything. I'm standing here, again on snow-covered ground, blinking my eyes repeatedly, looking at that image over and over, so as not to have to deal with the image that is before me now, the one of your casket, and I don't believe this is happening. I want to feel something besides this awful nothingness, but I don't know how. It's as though I've gone away to some distant land where none of this could possibly be happening; a vantage point from where I can see it, but not be part of it. If I'm still alive, and these terrible moments will replay in my mind years from now, I want to feel something, anything. Perhaps it will take the passage of many years before I'm able to feel despair or anger or sadness? But what am I pondering? Surely I'm not here; I'm with you, always. I don't understand it, Mulder, but I'm with you. Let others think me a fool, but I don't exist otherwise. I can say that now, and I wish that I'd said it to you before. A life that doesn't include you isn't something I'd ever considered, so now I'm in for it, aren't I? Talk about a rude awakening.

Mulder, somehow, somewhere, I have to believe that you know about our child. Yes, that's right. I'm pregnant Mulder. That's what those dizzy spells were all about. Can you believe it? After everything that has happened, I'm just plain, pregnant. Judging from the number of weeks, it had to have happened that first night in your apartment. I don't know how or why, but this is the truth. We are going to have a baby. The thought that you won't be here to share in this has broken my heart a thousand times over, and will continue to do so, but it's also the one thing that has kept me going. I'm carrying your child Mulder, and that is a miracle. I prayed so for another miracle. Every morning since you've been gone, I've awakened and said a prayer of thanks for our child and a prayer begging for your safe return. I hope some day that I'll understand why the second wasn't answered. I can think only of the near future, and will see you every step of the way. I can see your arms extending their warmth to our baby. If only it could happen. He or she will know you well, that I promise. And now I think I am going to cry.

Good-bye my love.

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This story is (c) Copyright 2003 by Christine Leigh. "The X-Files" and its characters are the property of the Fox Network and Ten-Thirteen Productions and are borrowed here without profit or intent for profit.