Rating: PG-13 for language
Classification: Mytharcishness--drawn from TFOS
Feedback: Yes, please. email@example.com
Disclaimers: Not mine, etc.
Summary: "I pale to Fox Mulder--that's what my father told me."
Author's note: Sorry it's LATE--didn't mean to make you feel that Santa had put you on the naughty list! A big thanks to my sister to did a little beta for me--any faults are purely my own.
I pale to Fox Mulder—that’s what my father told me.
When I first met Fox Mulder I disliked him for what I thought was his encouragement of my mother's abduction delusions. I perceived him as an enemy, a perception my father encouraged as he began to pull strings on my behalf at the FBI. I found myself in a position to thwart his work and keep him at odds with the Bureau even more than he had been before. I thought it was enough. I thought I was being given a chance to prove myself. But I soon found that I was only being used and that by occupying that basement office I was simply a roadblock—I wasn't being given a chance to work on important cases. I was only in that office to keep Mulder from being put there.
My father thought that I would be grateful, and for a time I was. I wanted to succeed in the FBI badly enough that I was willing to sell my integrity to a man I'd never really known—a man I only knew through my mother's angry anecdotes about her failed marriage. When Mulder tried to warn me about my father I assumed it was professional jealousy. I didn't understand at that time what Mulder knew about that man that I didn't.
I thought that Fox Mulder was like so many other FBI agents I'd met and worked with—ambitious, arrogant, eager to elbow other agents out of the way in order to be recognized and promoted. I assumed he was trying to keep me from getting ahead, especially after he and Agent Scully were removed from the X-Files and Diana Fowley and I were put in their places.
Even my own mother seemed to trust Mulder more than she trusted me. When she was finally returned this last time, it wasn't me she wanted to talk to, it was him. If it hadn’t been for Skinner, I would have kept that man away from her. But in the long run, Skinner was right.
When I finally tried to stand up to my father and claim some part of his power, he let me know in no uncertain terms that I was a poor substitute for the man he'd always wished had been his son. I had never really understood how badly I wanted my father's approval until that moment when I finally understood that I would never really have it.
My father soon came to me with some contrition, asking me to take on a heavy responsibility—an action that helped me to begin to understand the reality of all that Fox Mulder had been trying to prove for so many years. Still, it wasn't until Krycek made me realize that the project was still going on and that my mother played a key role—that she was going to be sacrificed one way or another—that I finally understood how I'd been used and that Mulder and Scully truly belonged in the X-Files office. I understood what kind of person my father was and that I was indeed no substitute for Fox Mulder.
But the one thing I could do that would make me greater than my father was to tell the truth—to Skinner and to Kersch—and in so doing betray my father in the noblest way possible.
For that, I earned a bullet at my own father's hand.
I love my son, but I hate his father.
If I had known what kind of man I was marrying, I never would have gone through with it, even if it meant never having my son. Still, Jeffrey is the one good thing that came of my marriage to that man.
Everyone knew that "Charles", as he called himself in those days, was the most powerful person in the group of men we worked for and he always seemed so charming. All the girls in the secretarial pool wanted to find husbands among that group.
At first it seemed that Christina had it made. Several of those men—intelligent, powerful, connected men—seemed to find her attractive. Bill Mulder and Charles Spender were the most attentive and seemed to be rivals for her hand. In the end Bill Mulder won out. I thought she had made a questionable choice—clearly Charles wanted her badly and he was in a more powerful position than Bill. But I was secretly happy. I soon found that I had caught Charles Spender's eye.
I sometimes worried that was I some kind of consolation prize, since we seemed to go on an awful lot of double dates with Bill and Christina. I was afraid that he was only using me to have a chance to spend time with Christina even when she was with Bill. I thought I was lucky when Charles finally asked me to marry him. But Charles was often cold and distant, and when we did make love, it wasn't really making love. He would hardly look at me.
Before long the Mulders had a son and a few years later were expecting another child. That somehow made Charles more eager to have a child of our own and Jeffrey was born shortly before the Mulders' second child was born—little Samantha.
At first he seemed happy to have a son, but as Jeffrey grew it seemed that the boy could never please his father. Jeffrey was a sweet, bright boy, but somehow it never was enough for Charles. We saw less and less of him at home until the day came that Charles told me that I had an important job to do. He took me to meet up with the other men and families from the project at an airbase hanger. It was only then that I realized what was happening to me. I had no idea that it would be some time before I would see my son again.
When I was returned, I found that I'd been served with divorce papers. I signed them as soon as I was sure that I would have sole custody of our son. That wasn't a problem—Charles had no interest in either of us. That is, until the abductions began again. I never saw Charles in that time, but I knew that it was all of his doing. Even Jeffrey was affected, though he grew to disbelieve his own experiences.
Bill and Tina were so lucky, even though they lost a daughter to the project. At least they had their son. Fox Mulder had become a hero to me even before I met him and now I can see that he is a man who understands the truth. Jeffrey never wanted to believe me, but Fox Mulder knows that when I speak of the aliens and the rebels that I am speaking the truth.
I don't know how much Tina knew of the whole truth of the project our husbands were involved in, but I know that her son was willing to face the truth in a way my own son was not. I hate to admit it, but I sometimes wish that Fox Mulder had been my own son. Perhaps I'm more like Charles than I'd like to admit.
And now, as I am preparing to meet my final destiny, I know that Jeffrey was like me—a substitute for something Charles could never truly have. I was not Christina Mulder and Jeffrey was not Fox. And I can testify that Charles was no Bill Mulder. We were a family of individuals who all fell short in one way or another.
I only hope that my sacrifice will help to somehow put an end to my ex-husband's plans and that Jeffrey will learn the truth and finally be free of him.
Bill Mulder had everything I wanted and couldn't have—the only woman I ever loved, a brilliant and fearless son to be proud of, and a bright and beautiful daughter. I tried to find those things for myself after Christina rejected me for Bill. I married Cassandra and we eventually had a son of our own, but it wasn't the same—neither of them were good enough.
I tried to draw Christina away from Bill, even before Fox was born, but I always felt she could see inside me and knew that I had no soul. Still, she never told Bill of all the things I said and did, or tried to do, to her. She knew the work was important, even after she quit her job in the secretarial pool to stay home and raise her children. If she had told Bill about that night at the summer house when I tried to…convince her…of my superiority to Bill, I'm sure he would have taken his wife and moved away, left his job at the State Department, or at least gotten himself transferred far away. I could not have borne that. I learned to keep my hands to myself and remain a family friend. Poor Bill never knew how I felt about his wife and children.
Well, perhaps he'd guessed by the time November of 1973 came around. He was never the same after that. When I made it clear that he'd have to send one of his children to be given to the aliens, he refused. The other men of the Syndicate had assumed that Fox would be sent—they'd even prepared his file—but I talked Bill into choosing Samantha. Though he wasn't truly my son, I thought of Fox as my own and I could not have borne his loss. In the end Bill tried to avoid giving up either of his children, so we had to take Samantha by force.
It's unfortunate that Fox was there to witness the whole thing. When he finally began to guess at the truth of what happened that night, he became my adversary. I had so wanted him to be my ally.
After Bill was killed I thought that I could finally take his place—at least in my own fantasies—that I could convince Tina to accept me, that I could win Fox over to my side. The more I thought about it, the more I believed that Tina had somehow returned my affections—at least in that one moment—and that Fox truly was my own son.
But the years have shown me that Fox Mulder is his own man. He has an annoying penchant for seeking the Truth, with a capital T. If only he would let me show him how any lie can be seen as truth, if viewed from the proper angle.
Since I couldn't truly have Fox at my side, I decided to try to connect with the son I had left behind so many years ago. I knew that I could use my power and influence to move him forward on the FBI chessboard and I arranged it so that he took over Mulder's office to keep Mulder from getting any closer to the heart of the project. I had hoped that Jeffrey would rise to the occasion, that he would be ready to follow in my footsteps, to take his place among my colleagues when the right time came.
Unfortunately, my son chose to betray me. I tried to give him the greater responsibility he had asked for, but he wasn’t ready. The truth was too much for him. If I had truly initiated him when he was younger, perhaps he could indeed have followed in my footsteps. In the end, I had no choice but to eliminate the security risk. I couldn't chance him telling all he knew about the project or my colleagues.
I really was acting in the best interests of mankind. And I still had Fox Mulder to work with.
I know Fox Mulder and Jeffrey Spender is no Fox Mulder.
While I was working at the FBI as Mulder's partner, I came to understand just how smart and resourceful he was. And that he really did believe. It's easy to manipulate the skeptics, to convince them that they're not really seeing what they're seeing. But Mulder is willing to believe and that's what makes him dangerous to the project. He's willing to believe and he's willing to tell the truth.
I have worked for the project and the men who run it for most of my adult life. In fact, my parents immigrated to this country as part of the project and I was groomed for it almost from the beginning.
When it became clear that the Smoking Man was going to need to choose a successor, I naturally assumed it would be me. I'd been doing his dirty work for years, playing it square at the FBI as Mulder's partner, carrying out assassinations. And when that lying bastard tried to kill me, I went underground. I paid a price for all that I knew and all that I had done.
It's not in my nature to beg, to go cap-in-hand to anyone, much less to that black-lunged son of a bitch. But I knew the time was right and he was grooming a successor. As much as I loathed him, I knew that he could put me in a position to be one of the major players in that cabal, rather than being just an errand boy. When I finally went to him and hinted that I'd like to be his successor, he told me I needed to learn to keep my mouth shut. I think I've earned the right to voice my opinion in that group. I've paid my dues for their cause. They all seem to have all their limbs intact.
So when he hinted that he'd chosen Jeffrey as his successor, I played my ace. I let him know that his precious son was protecting his mother, that he planned to keep her safe from the syndicate and anyone else who would try to use her further. Jeffrey somehow didn't quite believe in what the aliens and his father's cohorts were planning, but he knew he wanted to keep his mother out of it. He had no idea how deeply she was already involved.
So I told him. When he failed—as I knew he would—and I had to step in to kill the alien imposter, I played my last card. I've always been good at playing both sides against the middle, of using whoever I must to protect myself and still try to make things work out for the best.
Some might call me a traitor, a liar, a murder, an immoral bastard. Indeed, I suppose I have been all those things at one time or another. But I am ultimately a patriot and a man who only wants to see that we survive as a nation and as human beings. I thought at first that I was working for the only people who knew the truth and how to help us all survive the alien invasion.
But now I know that only Fox Mulder can truly save us. For that reason, I've offered him information before, even though I know he hates me and will always blame me for his father's death. Of all the players in this game, only he has the right combination of honor, integrity, and a brave willingness to believe that will help us find a way to overcome our common enemy.
Whatever happens to the rest of us at this stage of the game, Mulder will always be the one to rise to the top.
I've always loved Fox Mulder. In my own way, anyway. I kept telling myself that all I was doing was for his own good as well as for the greater good of the project.
Working with Jeffrey Spender was an exercise, another list of duties I have taken on to further the cause, even though I could have told his father that the boy would never be able to truly do the job. He's not like the rest of us—he’s not hardened and cold and given over to the cause.
Fox Mulder is not like the rest of us, either, but his strength is his dedication to the truth. And the fact that he has Agent Scully to believe in him and fight for him. As much as I hate to admit it, he trusts her in a way he never trusted me. Even now when I know he wants to believe that I'm on his side, he knows that somehow she's telling him the truth.
I've learned how to lie—learned from the best of them—and how to make those lies seem like the truth. He wants to believe in me because he's a loyal friend and I've done my best to remind him of how close we used to be. He never really knew that even then I was using him. I loved him, just not as much as I loved the power that was to be gained. When the opportunity arose, I took it and never looked back.
Now that I've been asked to draw upon that friendship, I find it easy to use him, but harder and harder to look at myself in the mirror.
But I think the game is coming to an end. When I kissed him tonight, he didn't kiss me back. And when it came down to it, he chose to go with Scully instead of me.
He made the right choice, as always.
I'd always thought of Jeffrey Spender as little more than a weasel. He was never that powerful on his own, but he was put in place by that Smoking Man and aided by Diana Fowley. If anyone had told me that I'd end up feeling sorry for that little rat bastard, I would have laughed in their face.
But it seems that young Agent Spender has redeemed himself in the end—and seems to have paid a heavy price for it. No one is exactly sure what happened to him, but his blood was in our office and he seems to have disappeared. The smell of cigarette smoke was heavy in the air.