A Chance To Hold On
by Mack the Spoon

Classification: SA
Keywords: Post-Series. MSR.
Spoilers: The entire show, and IWTB rumors. If you are unspoiled
for the movie & wish to remain so, I recommend you don't read
this. I'm only vaguely spoiled, though, so if you've read other
fics in this brand-new and temporary genre, this won't spoil you
further. In turn, I ask you not to spoil me further than I am in
comments. :-) 
Rating: PG
Plot: My turn to speculate on what leads up to the movie.
Disclaimer: I don't own the show or the characters. Also, I did
write this before reading anyone else's speculation.
Author's Note: Huge thanks to belsum for being my beta! You are
awesome.
Archive: Just ask first, please.
Feedback: Please and thank you! I'd cherish it, really.
glace_aux_fraises@hotmail.com 

~~~~~~
Scully sighed in relief as she shut her front door, locked it, and
turned on the lights. He wasn't here, yet, of course - their
arrangement was for her to call him after she was home, after she
had made sure no one would see him come in. After all this time,
Scully was almost used to the bizarreness of living this way -
almost, but not quite. She still wished that being together could
be uncomplicated. *But then,* she reminded herself, as she had
thought tiredly many times before, *when is it ever simple for
us?*

She set down her bag and shrugged out of her coat, sitting on the
couch. She was exhausted, as she always was after a shift, and
taking the weight off her feet threatened to let sleep overcome
her right then and there. Letting out a small, tired groan, she
stood up again and walked to the bedroom. There she took off her
shoes and opened up her cell phone, dialing her number one speed
dial. He picked up immediately. "It's me," she said simply. She
still wished for the day when it would feel safe to use his name
on the phone.

"Hi, Scully," he said, and she felt herself smiling in spite of
her tiredness. "I'll be over in a few minutes. Should I bring
dinner?"

"Mmm, yeah, that would be nice," she replied, and sighed, sitting
down on the bed.

"Rough day at work?"

"Nothing worse than usual," she said. "I'll see you soon -" and
she almost added the familiar and comforting name, but stopped
herself. "I have to warn you, though, that if you don't hurry you
might find me asleep."

"I'll take that into account. You going to sleep this early does
not fit into my plans for the evening," he said, and she could
hear his suggestive smile.

"Well, then, quit talking and get over here," she mock-growled,
and hung up to the sound of his chuckling.

She was almost late for work the next morning. They hadn't gotten
a lot of sleep the night before, and she had so wanted to just lie
in bed with him and forget about everything when the alarm went
off. She actually contemplated calling in sick, but the combined
forces of knowing that her colleagues had seen her perfectly
healthy yesterday, plus her own ingrained sense of responsibility,
forced her to pull back the covers and gently disengage his arms
from around her. "I've gotta get ready, Mulder," she said quietly
and reluctantly.

He groaned and turned over, away from the lamp she turned on.
"Can't possibly be time for anyone to be up."

"It's 7:00. Lots of people get up earlier than this," she pointed
out, leaning over to give him a quick kiss on the cheek before she
stood up. She had finally gotten used to the idea of Mulder with a
beard after they had moved here, but that didn't mean she didn't
still regret it sometimes. "I'm getting in the shower."

He just sighed, and she smiled indulgently as she walked past. As
she got ready, she mused again that anyone but she and Mulder
would go crazy at this arrangement they had. Certainly, they had
almost reached that point again when they had first started this
new endeavor.

~~~~~~
It had all started with what she saw as Mulder's stubborn, undying
insistence on feeling guilty for taking her away from a normal
life. But by the time he was still voicing that opinion after
years of them living across the border, getting by, Scully was
long past through with it. She remembered the scene:

"Mulder!" They had been finishing up dinner. She had stood to take
her plate to the sink, but when he started that personal guilt
trip again, she had whirled around to face him, furious. "How can
you still do this? How can you think you made any decision for me?
I've told you over and over - *I* made this choice, for myself.
It's what I wanted. You didn't make me do anything."

He had closed his eyes before responding. "I know, Scully. I know
that's true. I'm sorry, I guess I'm not saying - I just-"

"What *are* you saying, Mulder?" she had snapped.

"Are you really happy, Scully? I mean, more than fine," he added,
before she could reply. "I can't believe you're doing what you
really want to be doing, working odd hours at a clinic in the
middle of nowhere."

She had sighed and leaned on the back of her chair. She wasn't
going to lie. Finally, she had answered, "Mulder, if you even
dream of suggesting I should leave you because our life isn't
perfect..."

He met her eyes quickly and seriously. "No."

"Then what do you mean? What's the point of talking about this
again?" she'd said, shifting to cross her arms.

"I've been thinking," he had started. "Hear me out, okay, Scully?"

She had nodded curtly.

"What if we both went back?" There, she had started to interrupt,
to tell him in no uncertain terms what she thought of that idea
and the possibility of him going back to prison and being executed
for murder. But she had promised to listen. "What if we went back
but only your return was made public? You could get a job that you
deserve, and we could work it out so that it seemed like you had
come back alone."

Rationally, Scully had known that this would be a ridiculously
complicated undertaking. Objections presented themselves
immediately, and she had opened her mouth again to argue. But then
she had sighed again. "Mulder, I don't want *you* to have to
sacrifice what you've built here. Why should my interests take
precedence over yours?"

Mulder had smiled and gotten up to walk over next to her.
"Honestly, I've been getting kind of restless here. I think I
could get better contacts, do more research if I was back in the
good ol' US of A." He had spoken whimsically, trying to lighten
the mood, but Scully hadn't cracked a smile in return. "If you
really don't want to leave, though, I could be fine here, too."

She had searched his face, and saw no trace of anything but
sincerity. "If you've been thinking about this, Mulder, than you
realize how complicated it would be, right?" At his nod, she had
continued. "I assume you mean we would have to have two houses,
that I would have to appear to live alone?" She couldn't prevent
the shadow from crossing her face. The pain of that final year
apart from him, when everything went wrong and she couldn't even
talk to him about it, was still fresh in her mind.

"But it would only be for appearances' sake, Scully," he had said,
touching her face gently. "I - I can't do that again. And I
couldn't do it to you again, either."

She had nodded, seeing the echo of her pain in his eyes. "Okay,"
she had finally said, when she trusted herself to speak. "I think
we could think about it, but I'm not willing to do this unless we
can make sure it wouldn't mean too much of a risk for you." She
had taken his hand in hers and said in a near-whisper, "I can't
lose you again, Mulder."

He had put his arms around her and held her. "You won't, Scully,"
he had replied in the same almost broken voice. When they had
parted, still holding hands, Mulder added, "I'll get in touch with
Skinner tomorrow and sound out the situation, see what he thinks
about the danger. And if he thinks you'll be in danger even with
me supposedly not around, then I guess we can deal with how things
are now. Okay?"

~~~~~~~
"Scully?"

Mulder's voice jolted her back into the present. She glanced at
her watch and saw that she really was running late now, having
been slowly and mechanically eating her toast as she mentally
replayed the memories. "What, Mulder?" she called back, standing
and walking to the bathroom to brush her teeth.

There was a pause, and she came into the room to find him getting
ready to step into the shower, himself. "Nothing, you were just
awfully quiet out there," he said.

"Just thinking," she replied by way of explanation. "I'll see you
tonight, Mulder. Be careful when you leave, okay?"

"Of course, Scully," he said. "I always am."

"But there's no such thing as too careful," she reminded him,
before grabbing her bag and putting on a coat.

"Or too paranoid," he called back teasingly.

"Yep," she replied simply, not rising to the bait, a slight smile
on her lips as she walked out the door.

~~~~~~
Scully's mind was still full of the last few patients she had
treated, and the pleasant conversation she had had with Dr.
Roberts before leaving, as she pulled up in the driveway. She
liked her, and was glad of the woman's friendly overtures,
although that also made Scully uneasy. She hadn't allowed herself
to get very close to anyone in years. It had just seemed safest,
when she and Mulder were both fugitives. Now that she was even
working under her own name (albeit with some creative changes to
her records so that an employer wouldn't know about the fugitive
issue), she still was unsure if she wanted to make friends. But if
she did decide to, Scully thought Dr. Roberts would probably be a
good choice - sensible, a good doctor, and with a sense of humor
that Scully appreciated.

She was still pondering this when she opened the door and realized
someone was in the house. She froze, heart immediately starting to
race. Then she closed the door against the winter chill and looked
around. She was no longer accustomed to having a gun at her hip to
reach for, but she eased quietly toward the desk where she now
kept it.

Before she could open the drawer, though, she heard footsteps
behind her. "Scully, it's me."

"Mulder, what are you doing here?" she asked furiously, turning
around and glaring. Then her eyes widened as the implications of
him breaking their agreement set in. "What's wrong?" she
whispered, filling with dread.

He sighed, then went over and locked the door, since Scully had
forgotten in the heat of the moment. "It's... well, nothing's
*wrong*, exactly," he said, sitting down on the couch and
gesturing for her to do so, too.

"Mulder, you wouldn't be here - you'd better not be here - unless
it was serious," Scully said, sitting down slowly and warily.

"Well, it is serious, and I didn't think it should wait, that's
true," Mulder admitted. At her impatient glance, he spoke again.
"Scully, Skinner contacted me last night, and... he said the FBI
has a case that they want our help on."

Scully's mouth dropped open. She tried to process that, and
couldn't. "What?"

He took that as encouragement to continue. "Apparently, there's
been a kidnapping of an FBI agent under very mysterious
circumstances, and they think our perspective would be useful."

She found her voice again. "Mulder, I know Skinner said he was
almost sure you wouldn't be in any more danger back in the US, but
that's a long way from the FBI seeking you out and asking for you
to work with them! This is crazy!"

"It does feel weird," said Mulder. But she could see that he was
intrigued. More than that, he was probably hooked already.

"Mulder..." she stood and walked toward the door a few paces,
wrestling with her thoughts. "Mulder, we... we can't just jump
back into the game like this!"

"Why not, if it's safe?" he challenged, getting up and turning her
to face him. "If they're asking for us?"

She sighed. *Do I have to be the paranoid one now?* she asked
herself, exasperated. Out loud, she said, "And we just know that
it's safe? We just know that our involvement won't compromise
everything we've worked for, for the last six years?"

He put a hand gently on her upraised arm. "I know, Scully. I've
thought about it. Of course I've thought about it! You think I
wouldn't?" Now he was getting aggravated.

"Then convince me, Mulder. You're going to have to do a lot better
than just that they want our input," she said, crossing her arms.

"Well, how about that this woman's life is in danger, and I think
we really could help?" he shot back.

"Mulder, you're talking like - like we are already in this!" she
cried. "Yes, I would hope that I - on principal, I want to help
this woman, but..." She sighed and shook her head. "But not if it
means that everything is up in the air again."

Mulder scoffed. "Everything hasn't stopped being up in the air for
a long time, Scully. Probably since about 15 years ago when we
started working together."

Scully's exasperation built at the sight of the half-smirk on
Mulder's face. "You're not really listening, Mulder." Snatching up
her bag, she unlocked the door. "I can't do this right now." She
wrapped her coat around herself and walked out into the cold.

Of course Mulder followed. "What can't you do, Scully? Tell me
what you mean."

Scully stood, realizing briefly that they were both standing in
her front yard, something that they had planned never to do. She
knew Mulder wouldn't let her walk away without talking about this
more, and she knew that was a good idea, actually. "What did you
tell Skinner?" she asked, hoping that he really had learned from
past mistakes.

"I told him I'd talk to you about it, Scully," he replied quietly,
sounding slightly injured. "I didn't make any promises at all.
We're still a team." He moved until he was in front of her, and
she felt his gaze on her.

Finally she raised her eyes to his. "Yes, we are. Always," she
said, relieved and a little ashamed of doubting.

There was a slight pause, and then Mulder asked, in a subdued
voice, "Don't you miss it, Scully?"

She let out a breath slowly. "I didn't, for so long. I think that
life wore me down so much that it was a genuine relief to leave it
behind." She stared into the distance for several seconds. "But
now, truthfully? I do miss it, sometimes." She smiled slightly,
wistfully. "Special Agent Dana Scully's life was a lot more
exciting than Dr. Scully's. And a lot of that was probably her
crackpot, but brilliant, partner."

Mulder smiled. "Minus the doctor and crackpot part, the feeling's
mutual."

"But Mulder, I still don't know," she said. "Going back... I know
what it could mean, and I'm afraid of that." She looked down. "I
don't have a lot more to give up to that life."

Mulder put his finger to her chin and made her look at him.
"Scully. I know," he said, and the simple phrase encapsulated all
the pain she had been referring to. "And I know the risks. I still
think we can do this, and I - I want to do this."

He looked so vulnerable, so earnest. He also looked cold, and
Scully took pity on him. "Let's go back inside, Mulder. It's
freezing."

He put his hand on her lower back as they went. Once inside,
Mulder announced that he was going to cook something for dinner,
and departed into the kitchen. Scully finally hung up her coat and
sat down at the dinner table, absently watching Mulder prepare the
food. Having half-lived here for about a year now, he knew his way
around, so she wasn't really paying attention to what he was
doing.

Instead, she was doing some hard thinking. What she had told
Mulder about her reasons for reticence was definitely true, but
she wasn't sure how much he understood of her actual fears about
this possibility. He had said he knew, and if she was fair she
knew he had to. And yet... *How can he already be so eager, if he
does understand?* she mused. Of course she wasn't truly surprised,
either - he was Mulder, after all. His passion for the Truth had
never changed, had remained in focus all the years since they had
left their former life behind.

And he had always been more than a little reckless, ready to jump
in with both feet even when things were shaky. While Scully had
absorbed a small amount of that from him over the years, she was
still much more prone to calculating each move as precisely as she
could beforehand, and weighing the pros and cons. She had in turn
tried to have Mulder learn that process, and he could sometimes be
persuaded, but she was afraid he had already made the jump this
time, at least mentally.

By the time Mulder asked if she would mind boiling the pasta for
the sauce he'd made, Scully still hadn't come around to much of
any decision. She knew that she wanted it to be made the way she
usually preferred to decide, and she resented the prospect of
being pulled in just because Mulder wanted to. It wasn't that she
resented being tied to Mulder - far from it. She loved him, needed
him, and quite simply enjoyed the challenge of working with him.
And that was part of her worry, since she didn't want him in
danger again. It was just that she also resented the lack of
control on her part that it would imply if she were to be seen as
giving in and agreeing to do this without-

"Scully, hello? Are you there?" Mulder cut into her thoughts,
reaching past her to turn off the burner under the pasta.

"Oh, sorry," she said, coming back to herself. "I guess I'm...
distracted tonight."

"Not surprising," Mulder replied, dishing up the food. "Come to
any decision yet? I could practically hear your brain working on
the issue."

She rewarded the comment with a partial smile. "I haven't really
decided, no." They sat down, and Scully ate one bite before
pushing the food around on the plate for a minute or so. "I think
I want to know exactly what Skinner told you."

Mulder nodded. "I'll show you the email after dinner."

"Which tastes very good, by the way - thank you, Mulder," Scully
said, wrapping some more around her fork and eating.

"You're welcome. It's the least I could do after shaking you up so
much today," he said. There was a pause, and then he seemed to
consider before going on in what was obviously a pre-rehearsed
point: "We could tell Skinner this was a one-time thing, Scully.
We could say we're officially still retired from this, and we plan
on staying out after this case."

Scully put her fork down, feeling some of her aggravation return.
"Yes, we could, Mulder, but do you honestly believe that's the way
it would happen?" She sighed. "This is what I meant when I said I
was afraid. I know I said I missed it, and I do. But I also liked
- I like this life, too, crazy as it is. And if the choice is
between this, now, and not having any sort of stable life together
again..." she trailed off and met his eyes. She saw no disapproval
there, but she had to ask. "You don't think I'm being cowardly, do
you?"

"Of course not, Scully," he said. "You? I could never think that!"
He took her hand across the table, and she squeezed it. "You are
being careful, though, and that's part of what I appreciate about
you. If it weren't for you-"

"-you'd go off half-cocked on some ridiculous trip to who knows
where, with hardly any preparation, and almost get yourself
killed?" Scully suggested wryly, raising an eyebrow at him.

He pretended to wince, and then laughed ruefully. "Hmm, probably."
But then he turned serious again. "When you put it that way, so
reasonably, Scully, I definitely see the wisdom of making sure we
both know we're sure. And I know even Skinner can't know who might
be watching, and if They"- she could hear the capitalization in
his voice - "would start paying more attention to us again."

She nodded. "That doesn't mean I'm voting no, for certain. Let's
look at that email, then leave it for the evening." They had both
finished their meal. But as they stood up, she caught Mulder's
quick guilty look. "What, Mulder?" she asked, tiredly.

"Oh, uh," he said, looking down at her pointed gaze, "it's just
that Skinner wanted a decision as soon as possible."

Scully groaned slightly. "Well, he's just going to have to give us
time. I would hope he knows this isn't an easy thing for us."

"Come see," Mulder said simply, walking over to the couch and
opening up his laptop. In a minute, he had the message open. It
was in fact addressed to both of them, and opened with a careful,
polite request just to consider helping out. She read the details
of the case, which were few and rather sketchy, but chilling and
baffling, as well. Then he ended the message:

"You both know I place your safety above any FBI concern. I would
never ask you to jeopardize yourselves, but I believe the risks to
you would not be any more than those run by any agent working on
an FBI case. I also know the idea of coming back, even for one
case, wouldn't be something you would choose lightly. I have not
broadcast this request to anyone. If you decide not to lend your
assistance and expertise I would understand completely.

"I don't mean to pressure you, but I need to know your decisions
as soon as possible. I'll wait for your response."

Scully read it all a second time, and then leaned on Mulder's
shoulder. "Hmm."

He shifted to put his arm around her. "What do you think?"

She yawned slightly. "I'm tired of thinking about it, actually.
And I know that's not helpful, but it's true."

He closed his email and shut the laptop. "Fair enough. This is the
last time I'll ask tonight, then: any closer to making up your
mind?"

She sighed and sat up a little to look at him, quirking an
eyebrow. "You promise, Mulder?"

"I promise, Scully." He rubbed his hand down her arm gently, then
pulled her closer to him.

Scully collected her thoughts, then spoke. "I still don't know,
exactly, but it sounds like this doesn't have to be quite as
dangerous as I first thought."

"Okay," said Mulder. "And I do mean it when I say I would be
willing to stop again, after this, if we decide to do it."

*You say that now, Mulder, and I believe you mean it now,* Scully
thought. Out loud, she went with a rather noncommittal, "Uh huh,"
and then when he wanted to say something else, she interrupted
sternly, "I thought we were done talking about this for the
night?"

"That's not exactly what you said," he protested, but he moved to
raise both hands in surrender when she leveled a glare at him.

She rolled her eyes and then struggled to her feet. "Well, I think
I'm going to start the dishwasher and then go to bed early. I'm
pretty tired."

Mulder stood, too. "All right. I think I'll do some research for a
while, first, but I'll join you in a little while."

Scully had a strong suspicion he would be researching the case
Skinner had sent them, if he hadn't already found out everything
that was available over the Internet, but she just nodded and went
into the kitchen. Task completed, she told Mulder good-night and
was in bed within minutes. She was asleep seconds after that.

~~~~~~
**She knew she was dreaming, knew this was wrong. Mulder wasn't
dead. She knew he wasn't. But there he was on the cold autopsy
table, and no matter how she searched, she couldn't find a pulse
or any sign of life. An icy feeling sliced into her gut, and she
looked down and touched her abdomen automatically - and suddenly
the dream changed and she was looking at an empty crib. The grief
was overpowering. She couldn't stop sobbing. Her world was
collapsing around her.**

"Scully!" He was shaking her gently but insistently. "Scully, wake
up!" A hand brushed at her cheeks, and she felt wetness there.

She opened her eyes, finding that her sobs had continued into
wakefulness. "Oh, God, Mulder," she gasped.

He wrapped his arms tightly around her. "Shhh, it's all right."

She held him close, too, until her breathing returned to normal.
Then she pulled back slightly to look into his face. "You were
dead again," she whispered, trembling slightly with the remembered
overwhelming anguish. "And then William, he was gone again..."

He touched her face again, deep sorrow in his expression. "I'm
sorry, Scully. I'm here."

She scooted closer, resting her head on his chest. "Doesn't take a
psychologist to figure out what that came from, I guess."

Mulder held her, stroking her hair. "Scully, we don't have to do
this."

"Mulder, I'm not making up my mind based on a nightmare," she
responded, with a short laugh that was still more like a sob.

"Yeah," he said. "But I want you to hear that, still."

"Okay, Mulder," she said. "I believe you." She deeply wanted to,
in any case. Her sense of security restored by his arms around
her, Scully drifted back to sleep.