Into The Light
by Kristina

Rating: PG
Spoilers: The X-Files 2: I Want To Believe (Major spoilers and end 
credit spoilers), some references to past episodes

Summary: Scully's thoughts as she drives off before the end credits... 
and some resolution to whose fault the locker room blame should fall 
upon.
Disclaimer: Don't own them, never will.

Notes: I still don't have a beta.  I need one.  I hope the mistakes 
you find are minimal and you can look past them to read this.

My movie experience: I went to see IWTB at midnight. I made a shirt 
that said "Ship is a Verb" and was excited to see as many people there 
as there were, after all I live in a small-ish town and it was 
midnight.  I saw up the point Mulder (driving Scully's car) goes off 
the cliff before the theater had a sound error that was so awful it 
made the movie unwatchable.  Having worked at a movie theater, I knew 
it was a pre-existing condition, and yet they played a movie for a 
bunch of hardcore fans on a screen with known difficulties. We walked 
out and got a refund after a lengthy fight with 2 members of 
management who wanted to give us 're-admission passes'. They stole 
something from me I could never get back.  The chance to see a movie 
I'd waited 6 years for, from start to finish.  I am not ashamed to say 
I cried on the way home, over the loss of my virgin IWTB experience.  
I did get to see the whole thing the next day at a different theater 
chain, but it wasn't the same, knowing what would happen each step of 
the way. I'm boycotting Regal's Cinemas chain, and I hope if you have 
one around you... you will too.

Thanks: To my husband.  Who went with me to see this movie twice in a 
12 hour period, despite the fact he's not exactly a fan.  Love is 
going to a movie with your spouse, while she wears a hand made 
t-shirt, and not being embarrassed.  And thanks to Suz, you are the 
cheese to my macaroni.

Casa Estrella, Belize: Is a real place.  I've never been but following 
the movie I googled private islands a lot.  I think this one reminds 
me the most of the one in the movie, maybe it's even the same place.  
Then again, maybe it's not and my mind is remembering it wrong a month 
after I saw the film.


Into the Light

*****

I never imagined we'd be where we were 2 days ago.  Alone. Without 
each other.  Something we'd silently promised ourselves would never 
happen with only our eyes, a mere 6 years ago as we drove away from 
that Roswell hotel. That we'd never be alone again.  We'd spent the 
next year quietly living our lives together, underground, running 
away.  And somewhere along the line it came to my attention that they 
no longer cared about my part in his escape.  So I climbed carefully 
from the hiding and started again.  But not alone. Mulder was there 
giving me a boost, he quietly found us a house on a large lot on a 
hill, deeply wooded in the back, gated but more open at the front. A 
place where we could be safe together. He created himself an office on 
the first floor.  I had a small study on the second, with my own desk.  
We each had a space of our own, where we could escape for a moment, 
but we were never really alone.

*****

I sigh quietly in frustration as I steer the rental car towards the 
hospital.

*****

I'm not sure how I found myself asking him to put it aside, after he'd 
just claimed that part of himself again. Twelve different news papers 
from one side of the country to the other arrive at our door either 
daily or weekly.  It cost us a good chunk of change, but it kept 
Mulder as far into the loop of the world as he could manage from the 
confines of our fence. It's surely one of the ways the FBI knew he was 
still near me. There is rarely a day I came home from the hospital to 
find all the papers still intact.  More than once I went to finish a 
story continued on page C5 to find that he'd cut a chunk of C6 out and 
had it pinned up somewhere in the office, leaving me with half a 
story. He had never let that part of himself go completely.

Ten years ago, I'd stayed away from him purely because I knew once 
we'd crossed over the line from partner and best friend into love and 
passionate entanglement, we would never go back.  We never did go 
back.  I'd stayed away from him for far too long.  By the time we'd 
taken that final step, we'd both known for years we loved each other 
beyond the friendship, beyond physical existence even.  We loved each 
other deep down in the root of our souls.  The night I'd climbed in 
bed next to him, after falling asleep on his couch, we'd barely had 
time to slip together in a frenzied and frantic pace before we'd 
plunged into the blinding blue together.  All things lead up to that 
moment and now to this one.

We managed to find ourselves all alone mere days ago.  Traveling 
separate paths, heading towards separate goals, all alone.  How had 
that happened?

*****

With a flick of my wrist I pull the keys from the engine and start in 
towards the hospital doors and Christian's next surgery.

*****

I'm not sure how Mulder could look me in the eye and let me go.  I'm 
not sure how he could give up our lives, our safety, our love, over a 
case that was all but solved.  A case he wasn't needed on anymore. He 
gave me up for something that was all but over.  The man didn't turn 
his back on me after I gave our son away. To protect him or not, that 
choice was one it took months to even approach in conversation without 
both of us crying in a pathetic mess, these days we can usually 
mention his name without excessive anxiety and regrets. But he held 
onto me through all that, despite all that, but yet let go of me over 
a case that was nearly solved.

Perhaps I had asked too much of him.  Perhaps I had just failed to 
notice him leaving me behind.

*****

It's after Christian's procedure is finished for the day, and I have 
completed my rounds, summarized my reports and finished a good portion 
of my work that I find myself packing up my bag in the very same 
dreaded locker room, far too late to be headed home after such a long 
day, especially after the long day before this one. I didn't stop to 
call him once.

I'm not exactly sure what to think as I climb calmly from my car to 
unlock the gate.  I'm not sure if I'm still welcome in our house, 
despite sleeping here last night.

******

Yesterday, I had brought Mulder and Skinner home to our house after 
the hospital.  I caught Skinner walking around reverently, touching 
things here and there and depositing a few bottles into our trash can 
as I'd come downstairs from putting a sedated Mulder to bed.

"Dana." He had said startled, having not heard me while wrapped up in 
his examination of our dinning room. I leaned in the doorway leading 
to the kitchen. "How is he?"  He'd questioned, I had shot an eyebrow 
up before answering.

"Well, it would have been nice if he'd called first, before jumping 
into something so overly crazy." I had replied calmly, we'd both 
chuckled.

"I should probably head out, there is a Directors meeting in the 
morning."  I nodded quietly in agreement, but he made no move to go.  
The silence was long but comfortable.

"I'm thankful for you." I said. "We've.  I've.  You've been..." I was 
so flustered after the crazy events I didn't know what to say.

"It's alright." Skinner had told me, and walked over to give my 
shoulder a squeeze before I pulled him to me and gave him a hug.

"Thank you doesn't seem like enough after all these years of silence." 
I whispered, pulling back and brushing a single tear away from my eye 
before it had a chance to fall.

"Dana, you can hide from the darkness, you can bathe in the light, but 
there is a place in-between where the stars shine blue and the ocean 
seems as if it may swallow you whole."  I was startled by his profound 
yet out of place remark, and a smile touched my lips at the many 
implications of it all. It was then I noted a ring on his left hand as 
he had rubbed his forehead trying to soothe away the magnitude of that 
evenings events.

"Walter?" I practically cried, breaking the solemn moment, picking up 
his hand and having a mental chuckle at the use of my former boss's 
first name "Forget to mention something?" I query.  We both smiled as 
he shrugged and pulled a tiny card from his wallet.

"I took Kim here for our honeymoon.  The blue is fantastic and you 
could go days without clothes if you wanted." He'd flushed.  The card 
read simply 'Casa Estrella, Belize'

"Ah, um, thanks." I whispered, and stuck it to the refrigerator with a 
magnet in the shape of a grey alien.

"I should go." He told me again and with a nod I walked him to the 
door. We walked to the car in silence, our shoes crunching the gravel 
and snow.

"I'm not really sure how long we'll be here." I told him.

"I'm not sure that really matters now." He answered back as he climbed 
into the car. I had nodded simply then.

"Bye Dana." He'd said pulling away.

"Bye Walter." I wished in return, heading into the house as cold 
seeped under the coat I hadn't tied shut.

When I climbed onto the covers next to a still sleeping Mulder, I 
absently traced the ugly pattern on our bedspread. It reminded him of 
crop circles, it reminded me of ugly.  He'd won that battle despite my 
protests.  Mulder tucked neatly under the blankets looked content as 
he slept.  I had considered waking him, but it was near midnight and 
the pit of my stomach had ached with anxiety over the morning's early 
start. I did not wake him, knowing he wouldn't fall back asleep and 
his tossing would have kept my much needed sleep at bay that night.

"Scully" he murmured from the bed.

"Mulder" I whispered and brushed a lock of his hair carefully away 
from his stitches.

"I miss you." He told me, opening his eyes briefly.

"Shh." I soothed, "go back to sleep."  And he did.

*****

Last night I avoided.  This morning we kissed as if the world was 
ending at my car door, as if I was never coming home again.  Maybe it 
was in mourning for the two nights I'd missed.  Maybe it was our fear 
that I would not return.  Perhaps it was a sweet mingling of both.

*****

Now I stand at the door.  Thinking about sneaking into my own home, 
because I'm dreading having the looming conversation.  Dreading the 
discussion about my guilt for not coming home for two nights, angry at 
him for making me do such a thing and angry at him for letting me go.

I put the first key in the lock, then the second, and before I can 
turn the third lock open, I hear him fling it first.  I'm standing 
there speechless as his whips open the door at lightening speeds.

"Scully." He sighs in relief, wrapping his arms around me so quickly 
and tightly he's trapped my arms straight to my body.  After a long 
moment, enough of the cold must have flowed in to surround his bare 
feet and he pulls back enough for me to move freely and he ushers us 
both inside.  There are no words spoken as he carefully removes my 
coat and flings it over the closest chair. "I'm glad you're home." He 
says with his brow furrowing slightly as I stand there sheepishly. 

"You didn't call." He adds in the smallest voice, looking very much 
like a broken hearted child.

"I had a long day." I whisper, my voice cracking.

"Do you want anything?" he continues as I settle carefully onto the 
couch, tucking my feet up sideways under my legs.  I shake my head no, 
and he sits next to me gently, sensing that something hangs above us. 

"This is going to be bad isn't?"  I nod. A tear touches the corner of 
his eye as his panic face appears, and several of my tears spill over 
as well.

"I've got a lot to say." I whisper in a hitched breath.

"I'll listen." He tells me, trailing his fingers carefully along my 
arm and down to my fingers.  In an attempt to not shut him out 
completely, I don't pull away from his touch.

"Mulder, the last few days have been incredibly hard and long.  I've 
faced two enormous battles, with my work at the hospital and your, 
our, quest to face the challenges ahead in the world.  I'm being 
pulled in different directions.  I know I don't want to chase the 
darkness, but I know I can't hide in the hospital forever, what's 
coming is coming.  I know I want to be with you..." my breath catches, 
and I manage to swallow a sob and move on, "but I know that you aren't 
tied to me in isolation anymore, and that when you had the choice of 
our world and theirs, you choose theirs."  Mulder eyes slip closed and 
a quiet tear rolls down his strained face. "I'm not okay with that, 
but I know I'm also not okay without you and I know I'm not okay with 
the darkness invading this little piece of light we have."

"So anyway you look at it, we're not okay." He sighs.

"This conversation in itself is some degree of darkness wedging itself 
into our lives Mulder."

"Then let it go.  We both made some serious mistakes in the last few 
days; though I think my total has surpassed yours..." He paused for a 
moment, before driving his fist off a cliff made of his other palm, 
"The darkness has been a huge part of that, and I can accept that.  I 
know I was wrong to step forward on the case, rather than take a step 
backward to look at you."  With this he draws a shaky breath, and I 
know instantly there is more.  "But I think it was wrong for you to 
give me that choice." I nod in agreement, tears quietly slipping down 
their trails on my cheeks.

"You picked a half solved case over me." I cry quietly. "How do you 
think that makes me feel?"

"I'm sure it's pretty damn close to having someone ask you to give up 
a giant part of your life completely or they walk away." It's at this 
moment a slight chuckle, one that is barely more than a forced breath 
emerges from both of us in almost perfect unison, and when Mulder 
opens his arms to me I melt into them and we lay together for long 
moments.

Its only when both of our breathing has become normal and his thumping 
heart rate under my ear has slowed I lift my head from his chest to 
meet his eyes.


"I'm sorry." We echo.  These words rarely cross our lips, and in the 
15 years we've spent together as partners, friends and soul mates, I 
can't recall a time when we were both instantly sorry together.  His 
lips touch mine in a soft gentle embrace.  I smile, and settle back 
down onto his chest.  His fingers trail delicate patterns on my back.

"I googled that place on the fridge. I was thinking about getting away 
from the darkness, regardless of the how the hospital issues played 
out." He whispers. "Where did that card come from?" A smile breaks out 
on my face and I sigh.

"Skinner married Kim."  I know despite the fact he can't exactly see 
my face from this position, that he can hear my smile. "Apparently 
they went there.  Is it nice?"

"Oh, it's beyond nice Scully." He replies breathless.  "It's so nice I 
don't think the darkness will ever find us there in during the three 
weeks I booked for us a month from now."

"Did you really? How did you manage the money?" I sigh from his chest 
with a content smile, I could use three weeks of tropical isolation.

"I did, and managed just fine since someone mysteriously unfroze my 
old accounts."

"I'll tell work tomorrow." I whisper in barely a sigh as sleep gently 
claims me, snuggled deep into his chest.

****

end



More Notes:

I wrote this, simply to express my frustration in the lack of 
resolution in the movie.  The way I see it, there is no way that 
Mulder and Scully had time to talk about their relationship between 
the wood shed, hospital visit that must have followed, and a sedated 
Mulder resting at home.  Surely she would have made time for sleep 
too, knowing she had surgery in the morning.  So the only logical 
choice was to have them talk after the driveway, and obviously before 
the island.

The writers have always left us wondering with these characters, I 
think that may be the biggest reason people write fic.  I never 
expected this one to be so full of anguish, and then just resolve into 
fluff and nothing.  When have Mulder and Scully ever resolved anything 
completely?

It was sheer relief for me, to see Skinner, I wanted him to be a part 
of this.  Lord knows he didn't just drive off towards DC after the 
paramedics showed.  I had worried that they'd 'killed' him off in the 
days following Mulder's prison escape at the series end. Having Mitch 
Pileggi show up to save the day left me squealing "SKINNER!" in a 
theater full of people.  And, I couldn't resist writing him married to 
Kim.  As much as I swore up and down it would never happen.  I don't 
really like the fics where Skinner gets involved with any other 
character... let alone married again. But I needed an excuse to how 
they found that place, and it seemed right since Skinner had already 
saved them once.