Theatre of the Mind ~ 3

Okay, get your flamethrowers ready. Hate to tell you, but I LOVE this episode. Ascension was the start, but in "3", Mulder really felt the impact of Scully's absence. Sometimes you don't really know what you've got until it's gone. And while we might have suffered through Mulder's "infidelity" in "3", oh boy did we get the big payoff in "One Breath." But while I love this episode, I've wondered all day long how to approach a TOTM on an episode that so many of you (primarily the shippers) hate! Should we just blow off "3" and move on to "One Breath"? What to do? So I thought it was time to seek some divine inter-net-vention; and while surfing I discovered something positively amazing about "3"! Did you know there was a sequel to this episode that was written but never filmed? It was supposed to air after One Breath, while Scully was recuperating from her ordeal. A young writer new to the XF penned this phantom episode, but apparently CC wasn't happy with it and ultimately scrapped it. It doesn't say who the writer was, but he did initial the script at the bottom-VG. There was something vaguely familiar about it, but I couldn't quite put my finger on what it was. Anyway, since I made this amazing find, and since so many of you hate "3", I thought I would write the TOTM about the sequel to "3" that never was. Hope that's okay with you.

TOTM - "3 - Bad Blood"

(This TOTM is written in dialogue. All the ODD numbers are Scully's dialogue, and all the EVEN numbers are Mulder's dialogue.)

1. Hey, Mulder. I just came from Skinner's office and he's not happy with you.

2. What else is new?

3. It seems that your paperwork for the case you worked on while I was away is incomplete. You know, that case in L.A.?

4. Oh, that was nothing, Scully. What does he care about that for?

5. Well, four killers were taken off the streets. I think that's pretty impressive. Anyway, Skinner wants our report in one hour. What are you going to tell him?

6. I'm going to tell him what I saw. And you tell him what you saw.

7. I didn't see anything, Mulder. I wasn't here, remember?

8. Oh, yeah. Well, then, there's no point in you coming to the meeting with Skinner.

9. Hold it. You haven't said much about this case, Mulder. I think you'd better tell me what you plan to tell Skinner.

10. I did tell you, Scully. Their victims were mysteriously exsanguinated, two little punctures on their necks. They were vampires.

11. Well, it's obvious they weren't vampires.

12. Why not?

13. Because they don't exist?

14. Okay, that's one opinion, and I respect that. You know, that's what I missed most while you were gone, Scully. I had no one to serve as the devil's advocate . . . or the angel's advocate in your case. I had to be my own skeptic.

15. Mulder, maybe you'd better tell me the way you think it happened. Start at the beginning.

16. Okay. Gee, I wish I had some slides with which to better illustrate. That day began like any other day. Except I was uncharacteristically unexuberant. I mean the X-Files were being reopened! My life's work! I should have been in seventh heaven! But I wasn't. All I could think of was that you weren't here to share it. In fact, the first thing I did after I checked out Miss November on the calendar was open an X-File on you: Number 73313, Scully, Dana. I lovingly put away your glasses and your badge, but I kept your cross and I wore it because I wanted to keep a part of you close to me.

17. Aw, Mulder, that's so sweet. But you're stalling. Please continue.

18. Well, then I got the tip. The Unholy Trinity murderers that I had been tracking for nearly a year had killed again in L.A. So I was off to Hollyweird.

19. Sorry to interrupt, Mulder, but you don't have any hotel expenses reflected in your report. Where'd you stay in L.A.?

20. I didn't stay anywhere, Scully. I didn't sleep the whole time you were gone. There was no reason to plunk down good money for a hotel room.

21. Didn't sleep? Gosh, Mulder, maybe YOU'RE the vampire in this story (he-he). Sorry, please go on.

22. Well, anyway, first using my sharp investigative skills and my Marty Mulder persona I managed to apprehend the first of the unholy trinity - John, the Son. He was having a hemoglobin shake at a blood bank when I caught up with him. And I would like to add at this point that it's too bad you didn't see my hair while I was in L.A., Scully. It was pretty short when you left, but it was growing out nicely by then. I looked pretty hot, if I do say so myself.

23. Okay, okay. What about this Son?

24. He told me he wasn't a murderer because it's just natural when a snake eats a fly.

25. Snakes don't eat flies, Mulder. Frogs eat flies.

26. That's EXACTLY what I told him, Scully! I also told him I didn't want to live forever if drawstring pants come back into style.

27. I'm not sure what that has to do with anything, Mulder, but I do have one question that Skinner's sure to ask. What is this expense for one roll of Reynolds Wrap?

28. I'm gettin' to that. Anyway, John stuck to his story that he couldn't be killed because of what he was. Remember, I was the skeptic now, so I knew this "vampire" was not what he seemed to be.

29. Mulder, the Reynolds Wrap?

30. I'm gettin' to it. I felt that John believed he was a vampire, so we should play along with that belief and he'd spill his guts when the sun came up. If he agreed to talk, we'd cover the windows with tin foil-hence the Reynolds Wrap.

31. Oh, I see. And did he talk?

32. No, uh, actually he fried. And since you weren't there, I had to work with this coroner guy who remarkably enough reminded me a lot of you. He told me about congenital erythropoietic porphyria, a disease that might have led to the creation of vampire myths. I had just about dismissed the possibility of the actual existence of such a creature.

33. You are really upsetting me. On several levels. Anything else about this coroner, Mulder?

34. Well, he did show me an old coroner's trick, which I might add you never do. I offered to show him a magic trick in return. Hey, remind me sometime to show you how I can make you blow a quarter out of your nose!

35. That's disgusting, Mulder. Then what happened?

36. I followed the lead the coroner gave me to a club . . . The Count Chocula Club.

37. Uh, I think the name of it was actually Club Tepes, named for Prince Vlad Tepes, or Vlad the Impaler, the inspiration for Bram Stoker's Dracula.

38. Whatever. Anyway, I think this would also be a good time to tell you that in the diffused light of that club, I was looking pretty sharp. But I didn't feel normal. Normal is not what I feel. And that's when I met Kristen. She was very perceptive. She knew I had lost someone . . . a friend.

39. Was she one of the Unholy Trinity?

40. I thought so at first, but I learned later she wasn't. They were following her.

41. What did she look like, Mulder?

42. Look like? Um, she was tall, dark, sultry, with bedroom eyes, strong jaw, prominent nose, and a full, sensual lip.

43. Gosh, Mulder, that's how I would describe you.

44. You would? Oh, uh, and she had big buck teeth.

45. She did?

46. Well, she had a slight overbite.

47. And that's significant . . . how?

48. I was just trying to be thorough. Anyway, I ended up following her from the Club to Melrose Place or somewhere like that and I sort of did this peeping Tom thing. I got caught and then I got my ass kicked. As a result, the Unholy Trinity killed again. The Police and I went to Kristen's house and I just want to make it clear that I was wearing protection the whole time.

49. What?

50. Gloves, Scully. I had my gloves on when we went to Kristen's house. I know you worry.

51. Oh, that's good Mulder. I know how you like to stick your fingers into things. Go on.

52. Well, I decided to stake the place out just in case she came back. And she did. Anyway, skipping ahead . . .

53. Why skip ahead? What happened then?

54. Okay, here's the thing, Scully. Shaving yourself is a lot harder than it looks when you don't have a mirror.

55. What?

56. Well, the thing is that since I hadn't been sleeping, I also hadn't been shaving, and I had some major five o'clock shadow. And even though I didn't have a mirror, I know that I was looking pretty darn fantastic. But Kristen felt I needed a shave. And she didn't have any mirrors, so I let her shave me.

57. Oh, I see. Well, that sounds innocent enough. Then what happened?

58. Um . . . did I mention to you that I was wearing your cross the whole time?

59. Yes, you did. Then what happened, Mulder?

60. Scully, you have to believe me when I tell you that I was miserable the whole time you were gone. Losing you was just like losing Samantha-I failed both of you. Kristen needed my protection that night and I needed to be the protector. We had both lost people that we loved-and we felt alone. We needed comfort that night, and we found it with the first person who was available. Do you understand?

61. Mulder, are you telling me that you actually slept at Kristen's house?

62. Yes, I did. Kristen cured my insomnia.

63. Okay, I guess I can understand that. But I want you to remember one thing from this experience.

64. What's that, Scully?

65. I do it all for you, Mulder. But it's not always ABOUT you. Just remember that, okay? Now go on with the story.

66. Well, I couldn't protect Kristen at all. More like she protected me. First, she killed the Father. Then John, the Son, tried to kick my ass again and . . .

67. Wait a minute. I thought John was dead.

68. I noticed that too. But there he was very much alive. Luckily, I was able to subdue him even though I hadn't yet had time to button up my shirt which of course allowed my lightly furred chest to be on display for all to see. I looked like a manly man in the full bloom of my manhood. And you could see your golden cross glistening from my neck the whole time, did I mention that?

69. At least once or twice, Mulder. Okay, so two-thirds of the Unholy Trinity was taken care of. The Father and the Son . . . where was the Unholy Spirit?

70. Kristen and I tried to escape in her car, but the Unholy Spirit pulled me through the sunroof, and she was just about to drain my blood when Kristen's quick thinking saved me. You see there was this wooden peg on the wall and she did the . . . with the . . . thing.

71. Okay, you had taken care of the Unholy Three. I don't understand why you and Kristen didn't escape?

72. She needed to save herself, Scully. And the only way she could do that was by destroying the others. So she did. She became one of them so that she would be able to kill them. And she did. And saved my life in the process. I had failed to save someone who was depending on me again. All I could do was cling to your cross and think about what you mean to me, Scully. How I couldn't scare you away from the X-Files no matter how hard I tried, how you make my wacky ideas seem plausible, how you protect me from people who only see Spooky Mulder and from myself. There's only one person I trust more than myself, Scully. And that's you.

73. Mulder, Skinner is never going to buy that story. You'd better tell him that you were drugged.

74. You watch it, Scully, or I might just tell what YOU did when you woke up from your abduction coma.

75. Oh, and what was that?

76. Well, it went something like this: Who's the black private dick that's a sex machine with all the chicks? Shaft! Can you dig it?

77. I did NOT!

78. Long story short. The X-Files were reopened, three killers were caught, I was finally able to get some sleep, I got to stand around with my shirt off, and in general, I got to look pretty darn good the whole time. I even think I heard a couple of "woo-hoo's" while I was in Kalifornia.

79. You forgot to mention the Kalifornification.

80. Well, some of what happened IS a little hazy, Scully.

81. And you know that I can neither confirm nor deny your version of events which occurred outside my presence.

82. But that is essentially . . . exactly the way it happened.

83. Essentially . . . CUT TO BLACK

84. Except for the part about the buck teeth.

Well, I hope THAT version by that unknown XF writer was a little easier to swallow than the actual episode. Look on the bright side. One Breath tomorrow. To some, it's the best hour ever! Can't wait to hear everyone's comments!

Sending my apologies as usual (especially for the length of this TOTM, but some writers just go on FOREVER!)