Theatre of the Mind ~ Duane Barry

Of course, we all know that Duane Barry is one of those very special episodes of the X-Files ... it's the one with Mulder in a Speedo! Oh, and uh, Scully gets abducted. (Just kidding!) Of course, it's the first installment in the abduction arc, a story that was probably created out of necessity but one that will still have repercussions six seasons in the future. So here goes. Sending apologies before this one even starts!

1. Oh my God. Gotta do a TOTM for Duane Barry. You know what I'm going through? You think you know what Polly's going through? You don't know jack! So whatever crap you gotta make up about space men or UFOs, just keep the TOTM rolling! Anyone hears me talking like this, they're gonna have my @ss!

2. Cool! A 1985 X-File about a shape-shifting alien dog!

3. Could that be Blue's dad making a cameo appearance?

4. Is this a special episode of Home Improvement? I don't think so, im.

5. I love that clear plastic wallpaper. I'm not crazy, Doc. Polly's not like these other guys.

6. "Duane Barry's dog thinks he'll get up on the bed and watch some TV. Duane Barry's dog doesn't like gladiator movies. Is Wishbone on? How about Lassie reruns?"

7. That darn cable! Time to look into a satellite dish. Well, I didn't mean right this minute! I bet you can get some kind of reception with that sucker!

8. Oh, oh. Duane Barry's Border Collie sees no sheep in site, but thinks he better get the flock outta here!

9. Present day? Polly wants to know what happened to Duane Barry's dog!

10. Another XF First: first episode written AND directed by the XF Almighty himself, CC.

11. It's AUGUST 7! Woo-hoo! Best thing? DD is his birthday suit. Next best thing: Mulder in a red Speedo.

12. Eyes forward, Krycek.

13. Too bad Scully didn't see that nicely wrapped package in "The UnNatural." (Okay, out of the gutter now.)

14. But some TWC: I agree with Amy - Mulder hair is growing on me too (no pun intended).

15. TWC2: SoppingWet!Mulder and TowelDried!Mulder. Oh, my! Do you think I'm making this up? Are you calling Polly a liar now?

16. Travel Time Travel Agency - LOL.

17. Okay, I told you I didn't like Ratboy, but there's something to be said for running Mulder & Krycek.

18. Desperate times call for desperate measures: only a blackboard show this time.

19. TWC3: Mulder is looking mighty-fine during the blackboard show.

20. Remember those four steps: honesty, containment, conciliation, resolution.

21. "You really believe in this stuff, Agent Mulder?" Translation: "Now I got two kooks on my hands."

22. Honesty: Mulder finds out that he's getting none from the FBI.

23. Why'd you call Mulder out just to read the script? He could still be in his Speedos.

24. "Would you like to know what they do to a woman's ovaries?" CC couldn't have been thinking that far ahead, could he?

25. CCH Pounder deserved an Emmy for sending Krycek for coffee - ROTFLMAO!

26. "Hi, Scully, did you see me on TV? You should've seen me in my Speedos!"

27. And we're reminded of our motto for Season 8: "Separate, but NEVER more together!"

28. Check your watches! I think we're about to lose 9 minutes! (Love the fountain going off, BTW.)

29. Shots fired! Duck and cover! (Anyone else remember Bert the Turtle or is Polly showing her age?)

30. Containment: Well that went right out the window!

31. Hey, that guy was in the Pilot.

32. I'll just secure this in your ear with a drop of Krazy Glue.

33. TWC4: Suiting Up/Paramedic!Mulder. 'Nuff said.

34. One shot to the medulla oblongata, huh? That seems to be a popular method of extermination on the XF.

35. The opportunity to pat down Agent Mulder. This would certainly be a dream come true.

36. Conciliation: He doesn't have to pretend. Duane Barry DOES have a compassionate friend in Fox Mulder. (Awww!)

37. Mulder for the bald guy? That trade ranks right up there with the Bambino from the Red Sox to the Yankees.

38. Tied Up!Mulder. Two dreams come true in one episode! Holy flaming cow!

39. Who else cancelled their dentist appointment after watching that drill come down from the ceiling?

40. Anybody notice the similarity of Duane's tests to Mulder's experiences in Amor Fati? Spread-eagled, confining headgear . . . things that make you go hmmmmm.

41. Scully gives Krycek the bum's rush. She wants to talk to her man!

42. Mulder's face as Duane tells how the aliens test young girls--it tugs at my heartstrings.

43. Look out! MamaBear Scully is here and her cub is in trouble! Don't tell her to calm down, Ratboy.

44. Luckily, Scully has obscure scientific evidence that backs up her theory about Duane Barry.

45. "We used to work together." Hankies, please!

46. Love the contrast of Mulder listening to Duane and hearing Scully in his ear. Who will he believe?

47. Is Scully just so good at taking over that all the trained hostage negotiators now defer to her? Or did they just realize that she is the ONLY one Mulder will listen to?

48. Thankfully, the aliens/government improved their implanting techniques. Scully just has a teeny tiny little scar!

49. We knew Mulder would believe Scully, but he's gotta be absolutely sure, so he gets Duane's medulla oblongata out of harm's way for one more minute.

50. Resolution: Doubting Mulder knows he's lost control of the situation and has to bring this to a close.

51. "Go lock the door, Duane." As I recall, that didn't work out too well in "Monday" either.

52. Poor Mulder. He thought he was right about Duane.

53. Well, Agent Mulder, I just called you down here to tell you that you WERE right and we were wrong, but no hard feelings, okay? Have a nice day.

54. TWC5: Don't try to B.S. Polly! Mulder is looking positively wonderful at DBs bedside.

55. Now's a good time to send kudos for the whole acting ensemble in this one, but especially to Steve Railsback and DD; and to CC on his directing debut!

56. Boy, Scully's got a pretty nice office! But I bet she'd trade it all for a little desk in the basement!

57. Ah, some old paranormal/scientific banter. Those were the days, my friends, we thought they'd never end.

58. LOL - Scully buying pickles and ice cream. Paper or plastic?

59. Now, this is just the kind of line I always end up in at the supermarket. First, a lady has to write a check for $11.14. Then the darn register breaks down!

60. I hope Scully put her ice cream in the freezer before calling Mulder.

61. "Mulder! I need your help! Mulder!" Oy vey. I feel a BIG guilt trip coming on.

62. To be continued? What? I'm about to lose my fine thread of sanity here! Duane Barry is on the loose, Scully is abducted, shades of Samantha, Mulder will have angst up the wazoo, Krycek's out chasing down cappuccinos, we STILL don't know what happened to Duane Barry's dog, and those red Speedos ought to be just about dry by now. What kind of jerk would leave us hanging like that?

63. To be continued . . .

This is such an important episode and Polly wants to believe that she tried to do it justice, but as Scully said, "Sometimes when you want to believe so badly, you end up looking too hard." If you didn't like it, just chalk it up to the fact that Polly was somewhat distracted right after the first commercial. (Polly ain't dead yet either, dlynn!)

Welcome back to the CTP!
With apologies, your SpoilerMate