Theatre of the Mind ~ Excelsius Dei
(The One About Grumpy Old Men and the Video That Isn't Mine)

1. Okay, this should be the first X-File of the evening. The episode is called "Excelsius Dei," but the name on the gate of the facility is "Excelsis Dei." The Case of the Missing Letter.

2. Maybe the convalescent home lost it when they lost all their funding.

3. Or maybe that's their motto: "We have a home here for 'U'."

4. For a minute there, I thought *I* was watching one of those videotapes that wasn't mine: Fondling, pinching, bondage . . . did I pop in "Horny Old Grumpy Old Men" by mistake?

5. Nope, this is an X-File, all right. Nurse Charters is about to be violated by the Hollow Man. Can we play that Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon game now?

6. I'm sorry, I thought this was *my* office.

7. Yup, that's the look of a man who's porno stash has been found out.

8. She got ya good on that one, Mulder.

9. TWC1: But my, my. Standing in that light streaming down from the basement window-hoo boy!

10. Scully is leading this case. Just stand back, Mulder, and watch those little legs go.

11. "You mean the other Woman-Raped-by-Invisible Man cases?" Yep, they're filed over in the W's.

12. Compassionate!Scully still in the lead.

13. I'm confused. The Nurse says she was raped by Hal, an invisible spirit, but at least for the time being Hal is very much alive. Is she implying that Hal can make himself invisible? Has he unrolled any rugs recently?

14. Anyone who put this bathtub in an old folk's home has obviously never had to help an old folk into a bathtub. (I think this is actually Scully's bathtub in a cameo appearance.)

15. Hal, you'd be surprised at how many women find your plumbing repulsive.

16. And you'd be surrprised at how many men do as well.

17. "Thank you for sharing."

18. LOVE the look Mulder gives Scully when Hal notes men can't say what's on their minds.

19. TWC2: And speaking of looks in general, Mulder's got it goin' on in this episode! Two snaps up!

20. Even Hal, whose plumbing is older than both of them put together, can see that there is something between these two! "Oh, I didn't mean to step on your toes there."

21. Skeptical!Mulder thinks the case is a waste of time, but gives Scully a smile to die for!

22. "At five and a half bucks an hour, I don't give a rat's ass either way." This is certainly making me look forward to long-term care.

23. I hope they at least put in new bath water for Stan, but I wouldn't bet on it.

24. Fall in New England . . . I hear strains of Barry Manilow in the background.

25. "We hold ourselves to a high standard of health maintenance and treatment." With that bathtub?

26. I get the feeling I'm still watching one of those videos that isn't mine. Are these old folks doing drugs? Is this "Panic in Geriatric Park"?

27. Close-up of Hal's throat. I hope this isn't that asparagus thing again.

28. After a brief mental lapse, Scully remembers she's a doctor and calls for a defibrillator.

29. "What's taking them so long?" Well, since they don't have any medical staff at the facility, maybe they don't have any medical equipment either!

30. Perhaps Hal's plumbing is the problem. Maybe they have a plunger handy.

31. Gung reminded me of the Seinfeld Soup Nazi there for a minute: "No more for you!"

32. Isn't this sort of like that Robert DeNiro/Robin Williams movie, "Awakenings."

33. TWC3: But that movie didn't have Mulder sitting down to talk to Leo. Lord have mercy.

34. Pretty swanky accommodations for these two. No wonder that auditor was looking into their activities.

35. What a switcheroo! Scully is excited by the prospect of a major medical discovery and thinks there may be other forces at work and Mulder just wants to go home.

36. Awww! The sweet little smile and "Are you saying that the building's haunted? If you are, you've been working with me for too long, Scully." He's proud of her! Awwww again!

37. Oh, oh. I think I've got another one of those videos that isn't mine! The story of the hopelessly addicted Leo and Dorothy: "Geezer Madness." Are their last names Cheech and Chong?

38. Personally, I'm glad Stan's daughter hasn't been able to bring her "little girls" to visit Stan. (She was Cindy's mom in "Eve". I just knew.)

39. The return of Super!Mulder!

40. I think I saw this finger-prying thing in a Road Runner cartoon. Maybe this place is inhabited by the spirit of Wyle E. Coyote?

41. Dr. Scully gets to practice her specialty: Taking the pulse of a dead man.

42. TWC4: Super!Mulder in the window. Too bad he's not wearing tights.

43. "The elevators in this place haven't worked for years."? Could I have the number of the Worcester, Massachusetts, Department of Buildings & Codes, please?

44. Did you like the old ghosts checking Scully out? I think it's remotely plausible they think she's hot. And they've still probably got a better chance than Frohike.

45. Just like Mulder, when I saw that mural I knew immediately that he should go look for the Asian orderly. Yeah, right.

46. I think this is the ultimate Scully ditch. Why didn't she go with him to the basement? Was she still admiring the mural?

47. TWC5: She could have been admiring him walking down that hallway! BIG woo-hoo!

48. Speaking of which, don't you think these corridors are awfully long for such a little building?

49. I guess that's not one of those locks that they shoot through in the commercial.

50. Mulder finds some mushrooms . . . lots and *lots* of mushrooms!

51. Oh, and someone composting too!

52. All of a sudden, Scully's back to her strict rationalism and science. But we do find out she likes mushrooms on her hamburgers!

53. Sorry, I don't know who Carlos Castenada is. So for the unenlightened, like me: Carlos Castaneda, a godfather of the New Age movement whose best-selling books claimed to relate the ancient mystical secrets of a shaman named Don Juan, had millions of followers around the world, and his 10 books continue to sell in 17 languages. Critics doubted that Don Juan existed, though Castaneda always maintained that all his experiences were real. His writings argued that reality is simply a shared way of looking at the universe that can be transcended through discipline, ritual and concentration. The sorcerer, he said, can see and use the energy that comprises everything but the path to that knowledge is hard and dangerous. Don't' say I never did nothin' fer ya!

54. Stan seems to be going through withdrawal. I think this is *another* video that's not mine: "Dazed and Confused"? or maybe it's "Train-pottying," I get them mixed up.

55. Scully thinks Mulder has picked a fine time to use the john!

56. You know, there are worse ways to go, but I can't think of a more undignified way than drowning in a bathroom.

57. Bet Mulder never thought he's have to scuba dive in there. Good thing he got that quarter off the deep end of the pool once.

58. Now, I'm no physics major, but it would seem to me that with all that water, the floor to this bathroom would have caved in before the door popped. (Plus, I watched the Goldberg Variation.)

59. Oh, why nitpick when the result is a wet Mulder? Scuba diving and surfing in the same episode! Later, dude!

60. "You okay, Mulder?" Yeah, luckily my ass broke my fall.

61. I'm not really sure why the spirits finally all left at the end. Was it because of the injection that Stan got? Was it because the mushroom gravy train was pulling out of the station? Was it because Mulder trashed their only bathroom? Or was it because they wanted to follow Scully back to D.C.? No matter! Scully's still in charge and through her voiceover she lets us know that the nurse settled her case; the Alzheimer's residents have had a reversal in their progress; and that all is well at the Excelsis Dei Convalescent Home (although their "U" was never recovered and remains a mystery to this day).

62. So if you don't agree with my assessment, that's too bad. I can write whatever I want. Those are the rules and you can't break them. Why? "Cause rules are rules. And I'm the Queen Bitch around here."

Sorry for the delay. It's Shakerbaker's fault. It was "Destiny."

Apologies all around.