Theatre of the Mind ~ The Host

Amy is just TOO awesome! Her earlier post tonight of the Little Green Men TOTM just blew me away. Compared to that masterpiece, this TOTM just plain stinks, and it ain't because of the raw sewage involved! Well, for better or worse, here's my take on The Host.

1. Is this the Russian version of the Love Boat?

2. Translation of Russian dialogue: "S*** happens."

3. Dmitri finds this out the hard way.

4. Mulder must be up to a 3-pack-a-day sunflower seed habit.

5. He shoots, he scores!

6. "Treat yourself," again. Is that a Canadian thing?

7. If Mulder thought he was already in deep doo-doo, he ain't seen nothin' yet.

8. Say, Skinner's secretary looks like that zombie nurse . . . maybe it's just a madness shared by two.

9. Errant son here to see father figure. Is he in?

10. Mulder opens mouth, inserts foot.

11. He's looking out for you, Mulder. We know you can't see it yet, but he is.

12. Time for the COTBI (Conversation on the Bench I), not to be confused with the CITC (Conversation in the Car - see Tooms).

13. Aw, she's worried about him.

14. Bend down and grab your ankles . . . a thousand slash fanfics got their start right here.

15. He's thinking about quitting! Oh, no! He thought he'd be outa Vancouver in 13 weeks. Who would've ever thought this thing would get renewed!

16. Scully thinks fast and offers numerous possibilities to get him right where she wants him (no . . . Quantico).

17. "They don't want us working together, Scully . . . and right now, that's the only reason I can think of to stay." Are you sniffling yet?

18. Whew, Scully wishes she had that pine-scented air freshener right about now.

19. This is just a little closer to an autopsy than I care to get.

20. Ewwww! I just had an "Ice" flashback!

21. Another FOX special: When Good Sewers Go Bad!

22. I hope that gum has some flavor crystals cause he's gonna need them.

23. Oops, excuse me, the little woman is calling.

24. "Mulder, it's me." Oh, how those words make my heart go pitty-pat.

25. Oops, sorry, little woman again. I told you not to call me here!

26. Wrong! It's an XF first: first appearance of Mr. X.

27. Forty million people have flatworms or flukeworms? Well, there's a statistic I could have lived without.

28. Scully need only say "sucker mouth" and Intuitive!Mulder makes the leap to giant, blood-sucking worm.

29. And by the way, Mom, I can fight my own battles. You don't need to do it for me.

30. Guess that gum didn't do the trick. Can you puke a fluke on network TV? Guess so.

31. Scully interrupts her soliloquy on flukeworms to celebrate: her Enquirer subscription has finally arrived!

32. "560,000 people a day call my office on the porcelain telephone." That was a good one.

33. "Scully, it's me. You know that fluke you caught?" I caught a bigger one, na-na-na-na-na.

34. Meet our suspect, Scully. Flukeman. That's spelled F-H-L-U-K-E-M-A-N. The "H" is silent.

35. I find it a little frightening that the first thing Mulder points out is that Flukie has no sex organs. Just what was he implying?

36. "I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT I'D CONSIDER IT MORE THAN A PROFESSIONAL LOSS IF YOU DECIDED TO LEAVE." Scully, could you repeat that please? This is the closest Agent Scully will get to a come-on in 7 years!

37. And notice he didn't say, "Oh, brother."

38. Skinner doesn't find the flukeman so strange. Better remember that when you get future reports of mothmen and invisible elephants and killer cockroaches and sea monsters and . . .

39. It looks like Skinner feels badly about closing down the X-Files . . . can he be trusted? Trust no one.

40. That's just a little closer to a porta-potty than I care to get.

41. The mysterious Mr. X calls again. How did he get this number, anyway?

42. "Reinstatement of the X-Files must be undeniable." That's right. Otherwise, we'll have to rename the show. I think The F.B.I. was used already. How about Mr. & Mrs. Spooky? Two Guys, A Girl and a Federal Building? Hoovers? Nah, we'll stick with X-Files.

43. Mulder goes back to the treatment plant for a fluke hunt. Might find a snipe as well.

44. "It's me" again. Just called to tell you that you'd better find this thing because it might be trying to find a host and multiply. No pressure.

45. Mulder is thinking that this suit is going to be a write-off.

46. Now, you knew somebody was going to fall in the water, didn't you? For a change it wasn't old clumsy Mulder! (That's cause he knew Scully wasn't there to bail him out so he was being extra careful.)

47. Heroic!Mulder has to jump in to save the Foreman (because he will need to come back as a security guard for probably the BEST X-Files episode ever: Teso Dos Bichos!!!!).

48. Still, Mulder has to think twice about it. Staying up here on the platform, or jumping into raw sewage. Decisions, decisions.

49. Ewww. Hope the doc's got more of that industrial strength gum.

50. Mulder decides that what's good for liver-eating mutants is good for flukies too.

51. It's the COTBII!

52. Scully's not worried about the smell. She brought along her pine-scented air freshener this time.

53. "Success in our work is imperative. Reinstatement of the X-Files must be undeniable." Guess they couldn't think of a new name for the show either.

54. Scully assures Mulder that our wanton ways made this thing, not Mother Nature, and Mulder wonders how many new species are being created every day.

55. Meanwhile, back in New Jersey, a new Flukie surfaces with a message for Agent Mulder: "I was born a loser, but you're one by choice. You should live a little. Treat yourself! (not THAT again!) God knows I would if I were you."

56. And under the TWC category: Mulder gets a big woo-hoo for this entire episode.

57. Gosh, I find it hard to believe that I'm back to writing TOTMs again. "It felt like old times there for a second."

58. After reading Amy's great TOTM on Little Green Men, I don't know how anybody could enjoy this little piece of nothing. She set the bar WAY too high for mortal men or women! If you did enjoy it, I'm glad; but I'm sure it was just a "fluke."

With another big shout-out to Amy and apologies to all,

Your pal,