Theatre of the Mind ~ XF Season 2

I had planned to post this last night, but who wants a TOTM when you have Spoilers!!!! Thanks again, Vicki! You are the woman! So it's a day late, but who really cares when we now have the promise of Mulder screaming Scully's name to cling to!

Well, anyway, for those who enjoy the TOTMs, I hope you enjoy this little synopsis of Season 2. For all others, I send profuse apologies and urge you to avoid this post at all costs.

1. Little Green Men - Brandenburg Concerto No. 2 - I live for Bach. X-Files still closed; Scully now slicing and dicing, Mulder now tapping and typing. Samantha abduction flashback. Buttmunch? George Hale, The Big Ditch, and Scully feeds his fish. Psychic!Scully guesses his password in only three tries: TRUSTNO1. Mulder as dictator never sounded so good. He's talking to SCULLY! Noho on the rojo. They're heeere! Or are they? Scully to the rescue! Skinner chooses Mulder. "I still have my work, and I've still got you."

2. The Host - Mulder has to bend over and grab his ankles (and a thousand slashfics were born). Ouch! I think Scully's face is swollen. TWO conversations on the bench. She'd consider it more than a professional loss if he quits. Mr. X makes cryptic phone calls and delivers tabloid newspapers. Seems like old times for a minute; but it's just a fluke after all.

3. Blood - ELECTRONIC EQUIPMENT. TALKING TO YOU. MULDER PLAYED RIGHT FIELD. (Scully likes baseball too.) Lone Gunmen return. Mulder gets Celebrity Skin but only for the articles; Frohike gives perversion a bad name but gets Scully's phone number (maybe). Mulder gets fumigated and wants people to feel his hair. Scully thinks he's not the next Charles Manson. ALL DONE. BYE BYE.

4. Sleepless - Mulder gets a new partner but they don't get on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. Even with goofy hair Krycek is more of a threat to MSR than John Dog-And-Pony-Show will ever be. Scully's not the only one who gets ditched. Mulder meets Mr. X. A lesson for Season 8: Separate but never more together. "I'm surprised I put up with you so long." M&S speak volumes and never say a word. Krycek's in cahoots with CSM. I knew he was a Ratboy! Oh yeah, and there's an X-File in there somewhere.

5. Duane Barry - Written and directed by God (CC). Mulder in wet red Speedo! (Holy Flaming Cow Moment of the Season!) Mulder called in for hostage negotiation; Krycek there to fetch coffee. Honesty, containment, conciliation, resolution. Scully whispers in Mulder's ear. Oh, oh, Duane might have been telling the truth. Scully buys pickles and ice cream and breaks the scanner at the supermarket; she'll never shop there again. "Mulder, I need your help!" To be continued . . .

6. Ascension - Scully abduction flashback. Mulder finally gets Scully bondage photo; not exactly what he had in mind. "Ascending to the stars." Mulder learns that sleep is highly overrated and performs death-defying stunts, all in the name of rescuing his woman! Ratboy is a Rat with a capital "R". Scully is gone, but leaves Mulder with cross to remember her by. Similarly, in Season 8, Mulder will leave Scully baby to remember *him* by. Deny Everything. "You risk turning one man's religion into a crusade." The X-Files are reopened, Krycek leaves no forwarding address. Ma Scully and Mulder bond; she tells him to keep the cross and she'll baby-sit anytime.

7. 3 - Mulder gets his old office back but something is missing. He files Scully's glasses and badge, presumably under "S" for Scully's Stuff. Mulder has insomnia and gets his a** kicked a lot, but gets in more trouble from a close shave. Mulder is a bad boy, but he's wearing Scully's cross so all is forgiven. Scully is nowhere to be found-but still keeps her name in the credits.

8. One Breath - Well, at least we got to see Charlie once. "The spirit is in the truth." Ma Scully gives up; Mulder never will. He watches porn to kill time and dresses in jeans and mock black turtleneck to drive people insane. Scully returns with gigantic breasts; Mulder goes ballistic about her condition, except for the condition of her breasts. Scully has a sister who's been told not to call him Fox! Optimistic Scullys decide to pull the plug; Mulder can't watch. "I owe her more." First masking tape "X". Scully's father drops by to give an emotional pep-talk; then she's touched by a angel. Mulder's got CSM in his sights but has trigger interruptus; "Why her and not me?" Awww, Skinner loves him like a son and won't let him throw in the towel. Melissa loves him like a brother-in-law and saves him from himself. They have the strength of each other's beliefs. "I was holding this for you." (Perhaps that's how she'll tell him about the baby.) Next time they have a date they're gonna watch "Superstars of the Super Bowls" instead of Caddyshack. DD deserves Emmy but doesn't get one.

9. Firewalker - Seen Ice and Darkness Falls? You've seen this one. But Scully's back and she's not going anywhere. Lots of asparagus explodes out of people's throats. Mulder gets to caress Scully's face. Mulder solves one X-File but can't solve the other: what happened to Scully's gigantic hooters?

10. Red Museum - First Buttmunch, now Buttcrumb? Polly gets her nickname "Buttcrack" following this TOTM. This is where that wacky "walk-ins" theory got started. People wear red turbans and there's something in the meat. M&S eat messy ribs and Mulder gets to wipe her chin. :::sigh::: The guy who killed Deep Throat finds out that what goes around comes around. Mulder gets locked in the freezer and gets a slight case of freezer burn (so he can compare later). It's a mytharc, it's a MOTW, it's two, two, two episodes in one!

11. Excelsius Dei - Horny Old Grumpy Old Men. "Whatever tape you found in that VCR, it isn't mine." Scully's thinking about extreme possibilities; Mulder thinks she's been working with him too long. Meeting your demise in the bathroom on the X-Files is nothing new; *drowning* in the bathroom (not the bathtub, I said the bathroom)-that's a new one! There are mushrooms involved.

12. Aubrey - M&S get the munchies. Scully proves that women's intuition can be just as spooky as a Mulder leap any day. However, from a circle and a triangle, he gets the Trylon and the Perisphere. Advantage: Mulder. Mulder had nightmares and eats sunflower seeds cause his daddy did. Mulder has a hard head; Scully gets to hold it. (Minds out of gutter NOW!)

13. Irresistible - Psychic!Scully sticks around for this episode as well. Mulder doesn't understand people who collect salt and pepper shakers. It's another almost-date! Vikings vs. Redskins. Come on, Scully, prove that you can catch a pass as good as Chris Carter (of the Vikings). "I'm fine." A talk with Dr. Karen puts everything in perspective. Brussells sprouts! Yeck! "But no one sees a pretty woman being forced off the road in her rental car." Normal or dry, girly girl? Scully!Angst, Mulder!Comfort. Does it get any better than this?

14. Die Hand Die Verletzt - 40% chance of frog showers today, especially if their parachutes don't open. Can you give swirlies clockwise or counterclockwise in your hemisphere? There's a big snake in this episode (and I don't mean CSM). M&S shower together, but not as erotic as it sounds (except they did have to untie each other afterward). So long Morgan and Wong!

15. Fresh Bones - That old black magic has them in its spell-lots of touchy feely moments between Moose & Squirrel. Scully offers to kiss a frog; we'd rather she kiss someone else. Scully drives with disastrous results (except for Mulder concern). Mulder writhes on the ground; Scully has a guy pop out of her hand. Guess you had to be there.

16. Colony - The end is the middle of the beginning; hope they don't do *that* again! Pffffftttt! Say hi to the Alien Bounty Hunter. M&S get grounded, then Mulder gets airborne but his cell phone breaks his fall. Scully needs a new pair of shoes. Let's all sing (for BearBerg): "Mulders, Meet the Mulders, they're a really screwed up family. From the town of Chilmark, they're a page from Fox's history. They were once as normal as can be, till one night in 1973. When you're with the Mulders, have a really, really bad time, a truly sad time, you'll have a tragic time!" Scully's dad had more warmth and he was dead. It's Samantha, but in X-Files tradition, she may not be who she are. Mulder's Mom has no first name. The ABH can appear as other people; that could be important later. Scully, get your little fanny pack in gear-you're being followed! Scully finds lots of Gregors . . . lots and lots of Gregors. Mulder at the door, Mulder at the phone, you can never have too many Mulders IMHO. To be continued . . .

17. End Game - Scully's got a Mulder Sixth Sense-she knows this ain't him (practice for Season 8). Alien/human hybrids? Oh, come now. Mulder trades one woman he loves for another. He's 12 as he tells Dad he lost her again. Did Dad know it wasn't the real Samantha? I think so. Lots and lots of Samanthas. "I'm not your savior." Don't let CC hear you say that! BIG Mulder Ditch! Scully will draw her own line, thank you very much. Scully calls Mr. X but he thinks it's a wrong number. Skinner calls collect and gets an answer. Mulder takes a licking but keeps on ticking. "I could have killed you many times before." Why didn't he then? Oh, Mulder, did you see what that green goo did to Scully's shoe? Lots of Mulder!Torture and Scully!Comfort! Does it get any better than *this*? "And ultimately, it was science that saved Agent Mulder's life." That thousand-watt smile probably had something to do with it (at the very least, it launched a thousand non-slashy fanfics!). Bad case of freezer burn (told you he'd have need for comparison). "I found something I thought I'd lost. Faith to keep looking."

18. Fearful Symmetry - It's all happening at the zoo; aliens want their own tourist attraction. Elephants and tigers and gorillas, oh my! Mulder talks to the animals and gets bonked in the head (again) for his trouble. Scully tries to hold his head but he's not in the mood. (What gutter? I didn't see any gutter!) What is beautiful, gray, and wears glass slippers? Cinderelephant!

19. Dod Kalm - (Please sing, again!) "When I get older, losing my hair, many minutes from now. Will you still be sending me a valentine, snow globe cocktail, bottle of wine? Write in your journal, pee in a jar. I hear the wolf at the door. Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I'm 64 . . . 74 . . . 84 . . . 94 . . ." What song is that? Is this a quiz?

20. Humbug - Scully eats a bug, Mulder pulls a nail out of someone's nose and can draw his testicles into his abdomen (why would he want to do that?). Jim-Jim the Dog Face Boy buries a po-TAY-to, or a po-TAH-to, depending on your preference. M&S go to the funhouse when they should have gone to the tunnel of love. The future looks like that!!! Woo-hoo! "Must have been something I ate."

21. The Calusari - Meet Chuck Burks! Yippee! Mulder went to kindergarten; Scully went to meteorology school. The Exorcist meets The Omen meets the X-Files. Death by balloon, garage door opener, and rooster. I think we should introduce Charlie & Michael to Cindy!Eve & Teena!Eve. Now there's a wacky quartet! "It knows you."

22. F. Emasculata - M&S run up their cellular bills discussing the case and worrying about each other. They are truly a team; even though they're apart, when you see one you think of the other. Lots of pulsating boils and exploding pustules. Skinner provides a warning. "This is just the beginning." I thought this was nearly the end of Season 2!

23. Soft Light - Who the heck is Vince Gilligan? Is Scully telling her girlfriends about her boyfriend? "We'll talk later." Scully has deep pockets and she's ready with the prophylactics. Mulder is getting a utility belt for his birthday! The shadow knows! If you hang around the X-Files long enough, you get your brain slurped eventually.

24. Our Town - Scully buys a bucket of chicken, comes up with a sick theory, and almost loses her head. Mulder saves the day and gets to play with Scully's hair and caress her forehead. Scully thinks that was a pretty good tradeoff. Lots of Mulder shades! Woo hoo!

25. Anasazi - Mulder learns he should stick with bottled water from now on. This little digital tape is gonna make for a whole lotta trouble! Mulder has a headache and attacks Skinner, but it's no contest. Scully tries to help by lying; CC tries to help by making acting debut. CSM and Mulder's Dad share a shady past, but Pa Mulder tries to make things right. Aww, he loves Fox after all. Krycek-now you don't see him, now you do-ruins their reunion. Mulder cries and calls Scully; she's got her own problems but tells him to come on home. BIG hug and Scully gets him in her bed, but he thinks she's been taking notes. He takes back his trust; Scully thinks this is rude behavior so she shoots him. Biggest X-File in this episode: Why Mulder hasn't been evicted yet (woman shoots husband, water poisoned, shot fired through Mulder's window, Mulder shot in parking lot). Do you think he'll get his security deposit back?

"Thank you for taking care of me." Mulder might have found the truth he's been looking for but CSM is planning a big barbecue. "OMG, Scully. What have they done?" Yup, that's the panic face, all right. To be continued . . .

And with that, it's on to Season 3! As soon as the CTP returns, so shall the TOTM. That's either a promise or a threat depending on how you look at it. I was just trying to be thorough.

Apologies as always,