Theatre of the Mind ~ Red Museum
(The One with the BBQ Sauce Chin Wipe)

It occurs to me every now and then that some XF episode titles need subtitles, because when I hear the actual title, I just can't place the episode. For example, take today's CTP "Red Museum." When I first hear that title, I wonder, "Is that the one with the 'She is Me' thing (nope, "Elegy"), or the 'She is me and I am her and we are all together,' (nope, "Eve"), or the 'She is One' thing (bingo!)." There's gotta be a better way! So taking a cue from the way "Friends" names their episodes, I thought I would start providing subtitles for those episodes that really need them!

1. I grew up on a beef cattle farm so this doesn't phase me. But those who choose to believe your beef comes from the supermarket may want to look away!

2. I certainly went and checked out my bathroom; anyone else?

3. Watch out, Stevie, Gary is trying to emulate the Great Muldini's magic trick!

4. What is CC's fascination with terms of endearment beginning with "butt": buttmunch, buttcrumb? Was this normal in the Carter household?

5. I'm not sure this is *exactly* what your Mom had in mind when she told you to wear clean underwear, but it's as good a reason as any.

6. Yippee! Slide show!

7. TWC1: Mulder during slide show-big woo hoo!

8. I hope that wasn't permanent black magic marker.

9. Wisconsin, huh? You don't suppose that this was the famous "Picket Fences" crossover episode that never happened, do ya? Let's see . . . a sheriff and his family, Wisconsin. Yup, I think it might be! But Picket Fences is gone and the XF is still going strong. Whatever happened to that David E. Kelley guy, anyway?

10. Ooohhh, Red Museum! (slapping forehead) I *finallly* got it! I always thought it had something to do with their hats.

11. And speaking of hats, did anyone else have a Jonny Quest flashback during this episode?

12. Written by Chris Carter. My, he's a busy little bee (pun intended), isn't he? That's two in a row.

13. TWC2: The return of the jelly-bean tie! Loved it in One Breath, still lovin' it now.

14. This guy is a pretty fast typist. Did you know that the longest word that can be typed using only the top row of letters on a typewriter is "typewriter"?

15. Did you know the inventor of the flush toilet was named Thomas Crapper? (Sorry, had a "War of the Coprophages" epiphany-tonight on FX!)

16. Mulder is thinking that he's gotta get a slide show like this. Hoo-boy!

17. Walk-ins? You mean that walk-in theory has been around ever since Season 2?

18. Walk-ins are spirits who take possession of other people's bodies? What happened to the starlight thing?

19. I just hope Samantha didn't have to wear one of those red turbans. The poor kid suffered enough.

20. TWC3: Mulder looking fine during the questioning of Gary.

21. Call me wacky, but while Scully was questioning Stevie, I wanted him to say, "And then I yelled . . . GARY!"

22. Recommend a *good* motel? Is this a new policy?

23. Look at all that food! Just how many people were eating at this table?

24. Now, I don't know about you guys, but if my best male platonic friend and I were having dinner, and I had barbecue sauce dribbling down my chin, he wouldn't reach over and lovingly wipe it off for me. He'd say, "Hey, dweebo, you got barbecue sauce dripping down your chin!" (Note to CC: you started this shippy stuff; now be a man and finish it!)

25. I guess you know now that my best male platonic friend isn't CC cause he didn't say, "Hey, buttcrack ..."

26. Blushing!Scully asks Mulder to explain the walk-in stuff. At least I'm glad to know that she still didn't get it five seasons later.

27. TWC4: Smiles and flirting! :::sigh:::

28. Scully FINALLY answers the question she was posed in "Shapes": Yes, she does get the creeps.

29. Super!Mulder can't talk to you now, Scully! He sees trouble a-brewin' and he's got to go! Super!Mulder, defender of the mild and meek, champion for the downtrodden and oppressed! (Um, better lose the bib first, Mulder. Cape, yes; bib, no.)

30. "I see four against one I got a problem." He can perform a chin wipe one moment and protect the innocent the next. What a man, what a man, what a man, what a mighty good man.

31. "Why don't you run along with the little wife?" Is this the first time they have been mistaken for husband and wife? I *know* it won't be the last!

32. "Kind of hard to tell the villains without a scorecard." That pretty much sums up my feelings about the X-Files!

33. Oh no, take the kid but don't hurt that cute little dog! (Who looks an *awful* lot like Blue Duchovny, I might add.)

34. The return of Danny!

35. Scopolamine? Don't you use that to make twilight sleep? Gosh, I've learned a large amount of alarming things from the XF, haven't I?

36. "I'll drive." Of course, you're the big macho man, aren't you?

37. I think this is the first time I've ever seen Agent Mulder arrest anyone.

38. TWC5: I think Mulder's the good cop this time. *Looking* good, anyway.

39. "You know, for a holy man, you've got quite a knack for pissing people off." Bet he could say the same about a certain F.B.I. agent.

40. Oh look, it's the Commander who was Scully's old San Diego neighbor in "Piper Maru." He's come to explain the part about the growth hormone. I'm glad somebody did!

41. Love the ride in the pickup truck! New on FOX this fall: "Mulder in the Middle."

42. TWC6: Leather-gloved Mulder is looking gorgeous! Don't let the cows see those gloves!

43. Evil country doctors carrying large sums of cash thrown into the mix. The plot thickens.

44. I hope *somebody* comes along to explain this part! Where's Deep Throat or Mr. X when you need them?

45. Well, thanks for reminding me why Deep Throat isn't around! Crew Cut Man returns!

46. I hope that Porno!Mulder doesn't get any ideas from this episode. He was spying on his neighbor in Apt. #44, but that's another story.

47. Some people got to drain the lizard, some people got to see a man about a mule. Po-tay-to, po-tah-to. (Sorry, I got Kalifornia on the brain.)

48. Mulder, I don't think it's wise for you to be rating Gird Thomas's video library. People could get the wrong idea.

49. TWC7: This time Mulder is the Bad Cop and, oh my, he's doin' a fine job!

50. Scully has a Crew Cut Man epiphany and leaves the room to restyle and recolor her hair (that one's for you, gumby!).

51. Luckily, she returns to whisper sweet nothings about Monkey Pee in Mulder's ear!

52. Revenge-minded Mulder has a plan: "Mr. Red Museum guy, I know I arrested you and everything, but do you think I could ask you for a favor?"

53. The Townsfolk/Red Museumfolk meeting reminds me of West Side Story or a Gap commercial, I'm not sure which. Mambo, anyone?

54. Ditching Scully again, sticking his fingers where they don't belong again. Is Mulder back to his old ways?

55. TWC8: But at least we get a close-up of Mulder's feet to appease Polly's footwear fetish. Woo-hoo!

56. Looks like somebody's preparing for a big barbecue!

57. I don't know about you, but I was expecting a Rocky movie to break out!

58. He drops his gun AGAIN! We better get Mulder some of that stick-um like football players use.

59. Oh, oh. We're going to have Popsicle!Mulder if help doesn't arrive in time! (TWC8: Or Dreamsicle!Mulder!. I'll volunteer to help thaw him out! Okay, out of gutter!)

60. Not wanting Scully to get one up on him, Mulder manages to get someone killed by banging on the door too.

61. Crew Cut man is dead, Scully's voiceover explains the rest, and Clay's BBQ, where M&S shared their romantic sauce-wiping moment, is closed until further notice. Guess they won't be able to go there on their honeymoon!

62. So was this a MOTW? A mytharc episode? A failed attempt at an inter-network crossover? I'm really not sure. It seems to me that CC had three unfinished scripts on his desk, he knocked them all on the floor, put all the pages back together in no particular order, and *voila!* Red Museum is born. (Perhaps this explains "Fight Club" as well.)

63. "In the absence of any other plausible explanation . . . it's a novel theory."

Well, it was interesting to see the melding of the MOTW, the mytharc, and the Mulder!Wipe anyway.

Sending apologies as usual! But I love you all, you wacky bunch of buttmunching buttcrumbs!

Polly (just call me buttcrack)