Theatre of the Mind ~ 2SHY

I think I must preface this TOTM before I begin. 2SHY is not one of my favorite episodes, and probably the one I have seen the least number of times over the years. I guess because it hits a little 2CLOSE 2HOME. As a painfully shy, full-figured gal with very little self-confidence, I can relate to women like Lauren and Ellen who use the internet as a safe haven, where you can hide behind the written word and not have to face "disappointment . . . rejection . . . the usual round of suspects," as Ellen puts it. (Although just 2CLARIFY, I have never gone "looking for love in all the wrong places," so to speak. I would be even 2SHY for that!!! LOL) My defense mechanism (as you *might* have noticed) is a well-developed sense of humor. I'm sharing this to assure you that any jibes that might be contained in this TOTM are directed at myself first and foremost, and they are not meant to offend anyone. As with all my TOTMs, it is meant to be a little retrospective and a little humorous, so please don't read more into it than that. After all, I did watch this episode again *just* for all of you . . . that's right. "I do it all 4YOU." So with that said, here we go with "2SHY."

1. Is that a Dodge Dart? I'm not 2SURE, but for a minute there, I thought this was "Leonard Betts."

2. I don't know anything about Mr. Incanto yet and he already gives me the creeps. (I am pretty sure he will be giving Agent Scully the creeps too-and she does get them.)

3. Mr. Incanto looks at Lauren's lucky charm and decides she's "magically delicious."

4. Ewwww1.

5. TWC1: Woo-hoo! We're off to a very early worthless commentary start with Mulder in his spiffy shades and Scully in a lovely blue suit! 2COOL4SCHOOL!

6. No trenchcoats in sight, yet Agents Mulder and/or Scully always seem to have just the right container for every occasion! Just where do they hide those things?

7. Detective Cross, why are you ignoring our little Scully? Just a word of caution for you: people who treat our agents 2BADLY generally don't make it to Act IV.

8. A lonely heart? Okay, I am not 2EXCITED about this.

9. Talking to people you don't know on the Internet. That's not very smart, is it? (LOL)

10. I have dubbed actress Glynis Davies (who plays Mr. Incante's landlady) the Mutant/Monster Magnet, because she seems to be "attracted" to these types of men. She was Eugene's lawyer in "Tooms," and the Dumb Lady Who Leaves Her Doors Unlocked and Tells Total Strangers About It in "Irresistible."

11. I don't think Mutant/Monster Magnet can take a hint. You are 2SKINNY. Get some meat on those bones, then he'll check out your poems.

12. Scully snaps on the latex; she might have to surgically remove Detective Cross' foot from his mouth.

13. "Look, I'm not being sexist here. I'm just being honest." Scully doesn't take the bait; she's dealt with your kind before, Detective.

14. Oh, no! This is perplexing. During her almost autopsy, Scully dates this episode at "August 29." Darin Peter Oswald played his video games on September 12. If timelines like this are allowed to perpetuate in Season 8, Scully might not give birth until 2003!

15. Ewwww2.

16. TWC2: Reflecting Mulder again! 2MUCH!

17. I myself find Lauren's roommate just a little bit creepy. And saving hard copies of the letters that 2SHY wrote to her roommate? 2WEIRD.

18. TWC3: I failed to mention above that this entire *episode* could be considered a Holy Flaming Cow Episode, cause Mulder looks good in almost every frame he appears in, but I think I like this part best of all, so this is tonight's Holy Flaming Cow Moment!

19. Now, thanks to the X-Files, I can truthfully say, "I'm not fat, I just have a lot of adipose." People don't know what the h*** I'm talking about.

20. Another Season 1 retread, but I had to concentrate to figure it out, so it must have been good acting! Ellen's friend Joanne is played by Kerry Sandomirsky who played Roland's friend, "Tracy," in "Roland."

21. OT: Too bad Mr. Incanto didn't meet Mimi Bobek while in Cleveland. I'm pretty sure she would have dispensed with him post haste.

22. Hmm, people on the internet might be pretending to be something they're not. You don't think Joanne could be right, do you?

23. The hooker rules out kissing but didn't say anything about liposuction!!

24. Mulder, I think your Italian is beautiful! Except when you said, "La Vita Nuova," I thought you said, "La Vida Loca." Perhaps I wasn't paying attention because you are looking 2FINE (not a TWC, just an observation).

25. Tonight's educational moment: Virgil Incanto's name was perhaps inspired by the Italian Renaissance poets he translates. In Dante Alighieri's (1265-1321) "Inferno," the poet's guide through the seven circles of h*** is the Roman poet Virgil. The terza rima verses (a rhyme scheme Dante invented) are divided into long sections called cantos. "La Vita Nuova" (The New Life) (one of the titles Mulder reels off to Cross) is one of Dante's more famous books. Mulder also mentions Baldassare Castiglione's (1478-1529) book "Il Cortegiano" (The Courtier). Mama mia.

26. Ewww3. Thanks for that fingernail shot.

27. Hellooo, Ms. Mutant/Monster Magnet: He's not interested.

28. I'm with you, Jesse. "Give me a break."

29. Oopsy, another timeline goof. When Mulder hands Scully the DNA results, they are dated October 27 (took awhile to get those back, don't you think?). Well, at least the time is 10:13.

30. TWC4: In the squad room, hand on the small of her back. Awwww! :::sniffle:::

31. "He's some kind of fat-sucking vampire?" Scully's getting pretty good at those one-liners.

32. Scully proves once again she's a Discovery Channel groupie knowing that scorpions predigest their food outside their bodies by regurgitating onto their prey (Ewww4.) "But I don't know too many scorpions who surf the internet." (Told you she was getting good at those one-liners.

33. Oh. My. Gawd. Didn't you freak there for just a second when you thought it was Scully at Mr. Incanto's door? Trying to trick us again! (It worked!)

34. But it's Cross who has drawn this assignment. And sorry to say, unluckily for you, Detective Cross, Mr. Incanto is not sexist either. I warned you about making it to Act IV.

35. TWC5: "I wouldn't have made a good Amway salesman." If you had come to my door, baby, you would have met your quota in just one stop. Hoo-boy!

36. Eczema? I thought it was the heartbreak of psoriasis (for those old enough to remember that).

37. Flies! Oh no, it's that guy from "The List!" Run for your life! (This is gonna be "The X-Flies" before long!)

38. Well, Ms. Mutant/Monster Magnet, sorry to tell you but 2BAD third time's the charm. (Look at it this way: You were on borrowed time; you deserved to go after telling Donnie Pfaster that you kept all your doors unlocked anyway.)

39. Jesse is one cool cucumber!

40. TWC5: Mulder at the police station. 2LOVELY4WORDS.

41. GA and the young actress who plays Jesse do a fine job in their scene together. GA always brings Scully's compassion to the forefront, and the girl reminds me of Winona Ryder for some reason.

42. It's a little scary to know that even if you delete all your files and reformat your hard drive, somebody can still restore everything. And this was in 1995; think what they can do now!

43. "These files are all password protected and encrypted." Well, step aside, TechHead and let these two have a crack at it! I think we can rule out TRUSTNO1 and VEGREVILLE already.

44. Ellen, don't make him coffee. Then he'll be wanting dessert!

45. (Special for BearBerg): TechHead has cracked the computer encryption, but Mulder makes the mistake of touching the screen while pointing this out to Scully. TechHead is thinking: Hey, Mulder, get your fingers off my monitor. Do you think you can just go around sticking your fingers anywhere you like? You don't see me sticking *my* fingers anywhere I'd like, do you? Although, if you ever have any problem with your hard drive, just give me a call. I'm in the book.

46. There's that pesky timeline again. Scully calls all the names on that list in record time. *And* she talks to everyone except two people! On the positive side, if her pregnancy in Season 8 follows this type of timeline, she could be delivering before the first commercial in the Premiere!

47. Ellen, when all this is over, you definitely need to look into a new computer that can download *just* a tad faster!

48. Those pesky reflections aren't *nearly* as nice when Mulder isn't in them!

49. TWC6: Mulder kicking in the door to Ellen's apartment (and mighty impressively, I might add). 2MANLY!

50. TWC7: And Super!Mulder jumping out of the window and running down the suspect. 2SUPERHERO, but I like it! (And when he finally catches the guy and finds out he's the wrong one, tonight's Holy Flaming Cow Runner-Up Moment.)

51. Everybody's always criticizing the fact that Scully is never allowed to save herself in these types of situations, that she needs to do that to show us she's a strong woman, yada, yada, yada. (Of course, in this episode she is saved not by her partner but by Ellen.) I just want to point out that Mulder is hardly ever allowed to save himself either and is almost always saved by Scully. So it's a two-way street where I'm concerned. (Besides, those saving situations always give the most potential for Comfort! Woo hoo!)

52. Speaking of Ellen doing the saving, I guess this proves that even women who see themselves as alone and lacking in self-esteem can do what they have to do when the chips are down.

53. The Mutant/Monster is molting. Scully finds him disgusting not because of what he did but because of how he did it. "The dead are no longer lonely." 2CREEPY4ME.

54. OT: To end this episode on a happier note, did you know that DD's photo double, Steve Kiziak, was discovered during the technical survey for this episode? The XF Locations Manager saw him coming out of a Starbucks and noted his resemblance to DD, and a star was born. 2NEAT!

55. Well, I hope you were able to bear with me. And incidentally, I just hope you all appreciate my sacrifice, not only in watching this episode again, but that I was over here slaving away on this TOTM while you were getting to do fun stuff like talk about DD's on-line chat and see the new trailer on Access Hollywood and then on the OS. You guys are 2CRUEL. And I thought April was the cruelest month!

56. But you know I had to check those things out, thus causing the delay in sending this to you, and my mind really wasn't on this TOTM tonight. I'm sure I can do better. What's up for tomorrow? "The Walk." Oy vey.

57. And this episode did inspire me to come up with my personal motto for Season 8: MULDER: 2IMPORTANT 2BE 4GOTTEN.

58. Well, I did do my best despite all the angst and distractions. But I do recognize one thing: "Okay, it's not yet the finely detailed insanity that you've come to expect from me."

Apologies as always,