Theatre of the Mind ~ Clyde Bruckman's Final Repose

"Clyde Bruckman's Final Repose" is another of those wonderfully humorous episodes written by Darin Morgan; and as we learned with "Humbug" previously, it's pretty hard to lampoon something that's already so funny in it's own right. So tonight's TOTM takes a slightly different track in my homage to this great episode. As you know, Clyde Bruckman was a bigger fan of the Big Bopper than Buddy Holly; and the tragic plane crash on February 3, 1959, that took the life of Holly, J. P. Richardson (the Big Bopper), Ritchie Valens, and the plane's pilot, was the event that was the catalyst for Bruckman's ability to see the specifics of everyone's death. That fateful day became known as "the day the music died."

So with all that explained, here is tonight's TOTM. Please feel free to sing along to the tune of "American Pie" by Don McLean. If you are generationally challenged and only know this song as sung by Madonna, the tune is the same so I guess you can use that as your point of reference, but I don't want to know about it!

A long, long time ago, I can still remember how the X-Files used to make me smile.
And I knew if I had my chance, that I could make those people glance at CtP's and be happy for awhile.
But Clyde Bruckman's visions made me shiver, with every one that he'd deliver.
He wasn't just a faker, he knew how you'd meet your maker.
I can't remember if I cried when I saw the show on this man, Clyde.
But something touched me deep inside, the day Clyde Bruckman died.
So . . .

2. (chorus)
Bye, bye to banana cream pie,
Drive the Taurus to the forest and you find a dead guy.
There are fortune tellers dying and we want to know why,
And Mr. Bruckman says that Scully won't die.
Mr. Bruckman says that Scully won't die.

The cops called in this spooky guy to come solve this case or at least to try,
He's stupendous, what a man.
Do you believe he will solve this case, will he put a killer in his place?
He is Yappi; and he'll solve it, if he can.
"Well, I feel someone is blocking me; it's the guy with negative energy.
He will have to leave the room, if you want my thoughts to resume!"
The killer had a tattoo and facial hair (and you can't take Mulder anywhere),
All fortune tellers should beware, and Mr. Bruckman says that Scully won't die.
I started singin' . . .

4. (repeat chorus)

Now for many years, he's been on his own (till he started playing Frank Barrone),
But that's not how it used to be.
He knows you need to be well insured, cause he knows for sure you won't be cured,
And that you will need a first-class policy.
But Mulder thinks that Clyde's for real while Scully can't see his appeal;
Not the same as other psychics; sees a shirt from the New York Knicks.
And while Scully takes the wheel to drive, Mulder learns that he will not survive,
Do you believe that porno jive, and Mr. Bruckman says that Scully won't die.
We were singin' . . .

6. (repeat chorus)

Now what would this TOTM be, without some totally worthless commentary,
'Bout Mulder's looks and Mulder's hair.
And I sure started to get the blues, until that close-up of Mulder's shoes,
'Cause you know how Polly loves that good footwear.
Well, let me say it here and now, this whole hour rates a flaming cow!
Mulder's looking so fine, in fact he looks just de-vine!
So with all that said about this stud, let's get back to the guts and blood,
When Mulder's pants get splashed with mud, and Mr. Bruckman says that Scully won't die.
We started singing . . .

8. (repeat chorus)

Bruckman sees that things will go awry when Fox steps in that big old pie.
This could become a trend.
And Scully tries to understand, while Bruckman holds the dead man's hand,
He can see it in the cards-how things will end.
Bruckman says he sees ahead, and he sees the two of them in bed.
Scully is not so sure, she thinks that Clyde wants to score.
And while there are misses and there are hits, Chantilly lace seems like it fits,
Moose and Squirrel think this is the pits, and Mr. Bruckman says that Scully won't die.
He was singin' . . .

10. (repeat chorus)

11. (slow it down now)
Psychic!Scully solves the case after seeing the bellhop everyplace.
And she has to save Mulder's hide.
But when they go to look for Clyde, M&S find he has died,
Just as he said, with our Dana by his side.
And now the agents both believe, what they before could not perceive;
Clyde Bruckman did have a gift, but with that he got the short shrift.
But the eppy ends with no regret, as Scully gets a brand new pet, and Yappi on the TV set, and Mr. Bruckman says that Scully won't die.
And they were singin' . . .

12. (repeat chorus slowly)

13. (the big finish-sing it loud!)
They were singin' . . .
Bye, bye to banana cream pie,
Drive the Taurus to the forest and you find a dead guy.
There are fortune tellers dying and we want to know why,
And Mr. Bruckman says that Scully won't die.

Okay, I foresee five reactions to this TOTM:

a. "I'm not one who readily believes in that kind of thing, and if I was, I still wouldn't believe that story." (This whole TOTM is a crock of you-know-what.)

b. "If coincidences are just coincidences, why do they feel so contrived?" (This TOTM bears little resemblance to "American Pie" and what resemblance there is is just coincidence.)

c. "You know what I like." (That was a very good TOTM.)

d. "Pinch me." (That TOTM was un-bleeping-believable! Love those Barenaked Ladies too!)

e. "Oh, sometimes it just seems that everyone's having sex except for me." (No translation necessary.)

Well, as expected, this TOTM rates many apologies: to the original Clyde Bruckman (silent movie director), to "Everybody Loves Raymond," to the Big Bopper, to Darin Morgan, to Don McLean, to Madonna, to the Barenaked Ladies, and to Queequeg. You know, there are worse ways to go, but I can't think of a more undignified way than apologizing to everyone including Scully's dog.

"Why are you telling me that?"


(P.S. Polly's spooky experience for the day: I left work, jumped in the car, started the ignition, cranked up the radio, and guess what was playing? "You know what I like." Chantilly Lace.)