Theatre of the Mind ~ Coprophages
As we all know by now, Darin Morgan episodes call for desperate measures: straightforward TOTMs just won't do where Darin's episodes are concerned. Keeping that in mind, please bear with me through tonight's TOTM.
1.
Back in 1938, on Halloween eve, a young radio performer had something up his sleeve.
He conjured up visions of an alien invasion; little green men that panicked a nation.
Nearly sixty years later, a man comes along; you know him, he's the brother of Morgan, not Wong.
And he writes a fine story that brings lots of smiles, and leaves lots of grins on the mugs of X-Philes.2.
It begins in the small town of Millers Grove, where cockroaches are plentiful, coming in droves.
Dr. Bugger's called in to exterminate the pack, but the joke is on him as the roaches attack.
Lucky for those folks, there's a G-Man in town, a paranormal expert of universal renown,
Who left the big city cause his apartment was stinkin'; now he's in the Bay State just sittin' and thinkin'.3.
His cell phone is ringing (it's not his drug dealer), just his little ol' partner (his favorite hurt healer).
It's the weekend and Scully is having big fun, eating ice cream, dog washing, and cleaning her gun.
They have some phone foreplay, metaphysical sharing; and TWC1, "Scully, what are you wearing?"
Scully laughs cause she digs his beautiful mind and warns "Don't look too hard, you might not like what you find."4.
The cop interrupts and questions his wipers; then looks like he's landed in a room full of vipers.
"Cockroaches?" he asks. Mulder looks odd and shrugs. "I don't know," he confesses, "I'm not good with bugs."
We know Mulder just can't resist a good story, unless of course it is particularly gory,
He calls to tell Scully that the bugs are attacking, she's naturally skeptical (and he interrupts her snacking).5.
But Scully explains it to his satisfaction, the guy probably died from allergic reaction.
During all this, the med examiner works, and unless I'm mistaken he looks just like Chuck Burks!
Meanwhile, some drug users don't have any Raid, so one tries to kill bugs with a sharp razor blade.
"Ekbom's Syndrome," says Scully, as she washes her pup; Ekbom's Syndrome? (I think they're making that up.)6.
All through these parts I forgot to review, Mulder in black turtleneck, that's TWC2.
Mulder catches a pest, but all doesn't go as planned; it's skeleton's made of metal and cuts into his hand.
With no Scully nearby Mulder's down on his luck, but the doc treats his boo-boo (and he's really Chuck).
But poor doc's next to go amidst roach infestation; but Scully diagnoses it's just constipation.7.
Later, Scully's been busy (she's wearing her glasses), then she calls
Mulder (wants to know where his ass is).
He's out scaling fences and breaking and entering, he's obviously learned nothing from Scully's fine mentoring.
All at once walls are moving, the roaches are there; (but TWC3-dig that Mulder footwear!).
Scully is worried about Mulder's strange plight! And just when you need it, where's that Big Ass Flashlight?8.
The light is turned on, and the roaches all scurry; the bugs are all gone, but there's reason for worry.
For what to Fox's wandering eyes did appear, but a beautiful Bambi (and I don't mean the deer).
Luckily, Dr. Bambi is an entomology authority, who thinks UFOs are insect swarms (but she's in the minority).
To her fascinating theories he can only say, "Wow." To Scully's cell phone call, he just says, "Not now."9.
Nighttime has descended, but Mulder can't sleep, afraid up his nose that the roaches might creep.
So who does he call, why Scully, of course. (When you need Scully!Comfort, go right to the source!)
And I know that you've guessed it (cause you know the score), that half nekkid Mulder will be TWC4.
After hearing about Bambi, I'm sure Scully wants to slap her, but instead she makes jokes about poor Mr. Crapper.10.
Mulder tells his pal Scully of his hatred of bugs (Scully wonders if Mulder's been sniffing some drugs).
While he's explaining his praying mantis epiphany (Scully's thinking she's glad Bambi's name is not Tiffany).
He tells how he shouted, but not a "girlie scream" (and Scully's now wondering if she has more ice cream).
Suddenly there is a noise down the hall, and M&S must disconnect this sexy phone call.11.
And surely you all know what is coming now, it's the moment I yell out "Holy Flaming Cow!"
No shirt, pants unzipped, there's not one gal who's alive, who can resist this moment-TWC5.
Scully can't take it, she's now on her way, to save Mulder from bugs or employees of the USDA.
Meanwhile, Fox and Bambi sit there cheek to cheek, but there's no chemistry there I must (happily) critique.12.
So Mulder is off to the robotics lab, he's not sure just why but he's taking a stab.
As he walks down the hallway, good shots of his feet (the robot erases the location line-wasn't that sweet?).
Mulder meets Dr. Ivanov and the conversation flows (this would be the HFC moment, except Mulder's in clothes).
The robots all like him, the doc loves his conviction, but he thinks
Mulder's brainwashed by too much science fiction.13.
They look under the microscope, not sure what they've seen; hey, a stray cockroach just ran down my screen!
Meanwhile, Scully's nearby and the place is in panic, too much "Die Bug Die," these folks are majorly manic!
Scully tries to take charge, but not sure she's succeeding; especially since people think their nipples are bleeding.
Scully nibbles on candy as the people all split; are these called Choco
Droppings cause they look like ... doodoo?14.
Mulder and Ivanov share a bottle of scotch, then Mulder goes off on a new cockroach watch.
He captures a specimen, makes another Bambi call, finds out Scully's in town, now he might have to stall.
And just so you're sure that I'm getting my kicks . . . as he's talking to Scully? That's TWC6.
Scully listens to his theory, doesn't tell him he's wrong; just points out that he's been in this town too long.15.
Fox is off to Alt Fuels, with Bambi in tow; "Waste is a Terrible Thing to Waste," is the outfit's motto.
Mulder finds Dr. Eckerle cowering in fear, he thinks Mulder's a cockroach (he's just a little unclear).
Outside, Scully and Bambi finally meet; she's calling him "Fox"? The girl is dead meat!
Scully's off to find Mulder in a plant full of methane; Dr. Eckerle's lost it-the man's gone insane.16.
M&S get outside as the place starts to blow, it's a major explosion-the manure falls like snow.
How to describe it in the perfect vernacular? All I can say is, it was simply "CRAPTACULAR"!
The next morning all is quiet, the town has regrouped, the Sheriff tells our agents they really look "pooped."
As they're thinking of beating a hasty retreat, enter Bambi and Ivanov-the two scientists meet.17.
Scully is hostile, but it's just sour grapes; Drs. Bambi and Ivanov quote "Planet of the Apes."
Mulder and Scully are left alone in the rain, as Mulder watches them go with a little disdain.
Scully advises Mulder that he needs to take heart; they will have uber-children and "sexy is smart."
Mulder's not in the mood, he's a little bit sad; he never thought he'd say it, but "Scully, you smell bad."18.
Mulder's back in his apartment, the exterminating's through; he's having his cake and eating it too.
"Greatest achievement of the evolutionary process . . . big deal." It's all overruled by things that we feel.
Eww! The exterminator missed one; Mulder sends it to heaven. And that definitely rates TWC7.
The episode ends but it would be so worthwhile, to hear Skinner say,
"Mulder, what's on the back of this file?"
I hope this TOTM didn't "bug" you too much, but if it did, there's only one thing I can say: "This is no place for an entomologist." I think Agent Mulder described it best: "Crap." (Just get yourself a can of "Die! TOTM! Die!)
Apology is Polly-cee