Theatre of the Mind ~ The El Mundo Gira

Two men. One woman. Trouble. Oh, God, do we *have* to talk about Season 8 again? I have had it up to *here* with all this discussion about DSR. Doggett and Scully in a relationship? Please. You'd have to prove it to me. Chemistry? What chemistry? As I said in my post on the eXpress spoiler board, I've had more chemistry with people I met in the supermarket checkout line.

Well, enough about Season 8. Mulder's almost back, I'm sure first thing he'll get himself some snazzy footwear, and all will be right with the world once again. Now it's time for the TOTM for the most highly anticipated episode since Teso Dos Bichos . . . that's right, another John Shiban classic (sorry Amy!) El Mundo Gira (or The World Turns). What's the problem with this episode? Where do I begin? Was it political commentary? An X-File with a twist? A Mexican soap opera? It was all these things, and that explains a lot, a lot, a lot. A big old mish-mash.

I really think what this episode needed is some music . . . and I'm not talking about more of that Spanish guitar used so heavily throughout. (I can honestly say this is the first Mark Snow score that really turned me off; and not surprisingly, this episode marked the first time that Chris Carter had Snow throw out the entire first score he wrote and write a new one, hence the Spanish guitar. Note to Chris: Stick with what you know, baby, and leave the music to the professionals!) Never one to listen to my own advice, I hope you'll forgive me, but I just couldn't resist adding my own musical score. You might say it was Scully's idea, anyway.

So without further adieu, here it is. I've renamed this one "West Coast Story." Please feel free to sing along if you want to. (And for those who have never seen "West Side Story," my apologies in advance. Just skip the songs. Or better yet, skip this episode, skip the TOTM, and go rent the movie.)

1. In the best soap opera tradition, Flakita tells everyone what has been happening on their stories.

2. The Great Goat Escape.

3. Good. Close the gate after all the goats have flown the coop. Sorry for mixing metaphors.

4. Look! The rain is strange and falls mainly on the range. (That's a whole different musical!)

5. Oh, oh. There's a fungus amongus.

6. Scully has to cover her mouth, and Mulder is chowing down on sunflower seeds. What a man!

7. S--"Can you tell me why we're standing out here in the middle of a field looking at a dead goat?"

The Fed Song (sung to the tune of The Jet Song) (sung by Mulder)

When you're a Fed you're a Fed all the way, from your first 302 to your last dyin' day.
When you're a Fed, let 'em do what they can, you've got brothers around, you're a major G-man.
You're never alone, you're never disconnected; you got your cell phone, Your partner is respected, you're well-protected!
Then you are set with a capital X, which you'll never forget, but you'll never have sex,
When you're a Fed, you stay a Fed! When you're a Fed you get cases like this, where you come into town to find things all amiss.
A Fortean event which I'll happ'ly explain, you get bright flashing light and some hot purple rain.
The album was great, and Prince is oh-so-groovy,
The film deeply flawed, it just said nothin' to me, a rotten movie.
So let's solve this case, this sad state of affairs, cause these people all think that there's no one who cares.
Let's go show them . . . some . . . one . . . cares!!

8. TWC1: Walking into the migrant camp, Agent Mulder is que bueno!

9. It's a little chilly in Fresno this time of year.

10. Good way to prove you're "no la Migra," Scully . . . show your badge.

11. S-"El Chupacabra?"

El Chupacabra's Comin' (sung to the tune of Somethin's Comin') (sung by Mulder)

Could it be? Yes it might! Somethin's comin', quite a fright. I just can't wait!
Somethin's comin', think I know what it is and it is gonna be great!
Could be a myth, it could be lies, a small gray creature with bulging eyes. And a big head.
El Chupacabra, God Scully, we might see, it could be, why Maria is dead.
The air is hummin' . . . El Chupacabra's comin'. Maybe tonight . . .

12. Why does Scully look at Mulder when Soledad mentions fools' superstitions?

13. S--"Maria, Maria, I just met a girl named Maria . . ." (Told you it was her idea.)

14. Two men. One woman. Trouble. References to Season 8 again! Stop already!

15. A Mexican soap opera. I told you.

16. Mulder is off to find Eladio while Scully is off to autopsy Maria.

Fox Mulder (sung to the tune of Maria) (sung by Scully)

The most infuriating name I've ever heard . . . (Fox Mulder, Fox Mulder, Fox Mulder, Fox Mulder)
Since I met him my life has been more than a bit absurd . . . (Fox Mulder, Fox Mulder, Fox Mulder)
Fox Mulder . . . I'm in love with a guy named Fox Mulder. An extraordinary name,
And the man I want to claim, for me.
Fox Mulder . . . I'd like just one date with Fox Mulder.
Because I think I'd find, how beautiful his mind can be.
Fox Mulder . . . say it loud and hear Elvis playing, say it soft and it's almost like praying.
Fox Mulder . . . I'll never stop saying, Fox Mulder.
The most beautiful name I've ever heard . . . Fox Mulder.

17. TWC2: What a cute smile! Hoo-boy!

18. How many times are they gonna tell us nobody cares about these people?

19. Scully (to coroner): "I don't think he's going anywhere." ROTFLMAO. You go, girl!

20. Ewww. I'd say that's a fungus, all right.

21. Erik Estrada? Ponch, my man! Where's Larry Wilcox?

22: M--"Ask him what happened."

Gee, Agent Mulder (sung to the tune of Gee, Officer Krupke) (sung by Eladio)

Dear . . . kindly Agent Mulder, you gotta understand, when you're a Chupacabra, life never goes as planned.
The women they don't want you, they're lusting after hunks, Golly Moses, naturally we're punks.
Gee, Agent Mulder, I'm very upset, I never had the love that every child oughta get.
It's just that goat sucking is misunderstood, deep down inside me, there is good.
There is good, there is good, there is untapped good, like inside, the worst of me is good!

(The other prisoners join in)
The trouble is he's lazy, the trouble is he drinks, the trouble is he's crazy, the trouble is he stinks.
The trouble is he's evil, the trouble is unknown! Mulder, we've got troubles of our own!
(Eladio again)
Gee Agent Mulder, I'm down on my knees, cause no one wants a fella with goat sucking disease!
My dear Agent Mulder, what am I to do? Gee, Agent Mulder, suck you!

23. Better than Erik Estrada? I don't think so.

24. TWC3: Mulder looks fine as he watches everyone get on the southbound bus.

25. I love the way Scully beeps the horn at him! They are so together!

26. "Flash of light, yellow rain. (yelling) Maria! Maria!" Tee-hee, he's better than Erik Estrada too.

27. But he gets "the look" from Scully. How can she resist that cutie pie?

28. The fungus is running amok!

Tonight (sung to the tune of Tonight) (sung by Mulder & Scully)

M-Tonight, tonight, it all began tonight, a crash, and our goat-boy got away,
Tonight, tonight, we must find him tonight, we must find him without much delay.
I knew he was El Chupacabra, and though you didn't trust me, I say now I was right,
So here we are and what was once just weird is bizarre . . . tonight.

S-Tonight, tonight, is just like every night. You always think your theory is wise.
Tonight, tonight, you tell me this man's plight, and I just can't help but roll my eyes!
You go and try to find the brother, and I will use my science, in which I do delight.
So moon, glow bright, and make this endless day endless night. Tonight!

29. If Eladio wanted to go back to Mexico so badly, why did he run away after the bus crash? The INS would have been happy to escort him there for free!

30. How'd you like to have that on your death certificate? Killed by athlete's foot! (And who knew that athlete's foot was dermatophytosis-other than Dr. Scholl, I mean.)

31. I think Scully says "Oh my God" quite a few times in this episode. I guess she doesn't believe it either.

32. Somehow, Scully's tryst with an athlete's foot scientist doesn't have the same pizzazz as Mulder's meeting with Dr. Bambi, queen of the cockroaches.

I Feel Witty (sung to the tune of I Feel Pretty) (sung by Scully)

I feel witty, I feel witty, I feel witty, and brilliant and bright, and I pity, any doc who isn't me tonight.
I feel smarter, so much smarter, and that martyr, my Mulder, will see,
That my brilliance is one reason he's in love with me.
See the fungus right on the counter there (what fungus where?)
What kind of stuff can that be? (which, what, where, who?)
Such a brilliant mind, such a brilliant girl, such a brilliant find, such a brilliant me!
I feel witty, just a bitty, must call Mulder and tell him just why.
Cause I'm loved, by a pretty wonderful guy!

33. TWC4: Only Mulder could look so good talking about fungal infections.

34. Looks like Eladio needs a little stronger deodorant protection. Perhaps something that's made for a woman but strong enough for a man? And keeps your sweat from turning yellow?

35. I always suspected there was fungus growing in port-a-potty's but athlete's foot was the least of my worries.

36. Back to subtitles again. I guess they want to make sure that we're paying attention.

Mulder It's Me (sung to the tune of One Hand, One Heart) (sung by Mulder & Scully)

S--Mulder, it's me, where are you? Watch out for yourself, this fungus is new.
Keep fingers out, make this vow. Only Chris can part us now.

M-Scully, no need to tell me again; and I think this fungus is alien.

S&M-Now it begins, now we start . . .

S-Mulder . . .

M-Scully . . .

S&M: Only Chris can part us now.

37. "Scully, I've been thinking. I know that's dangerous." Too cute.

38. MSRM: Okay, this is stretching it I know, but I like how she told him not to inhale or touch the fungus. She knows her Mulder. And she doesn't want anything to happen to him. Awww.

39. There's old bossy Scully again. I'll work on the fungus, you just catch the goatsucker!

40. TWC5: "'Kay." Hoo-boy, I love it when he says that.

The F.B.I. (sung to the tune of America) (sung by Mulder & Scully via split screen)

M&S-I like to be in the F.B.I, okay by me in the F.B.I., we're full of glee in the F.B.I, watch out for bees in the F.B.I.

M-When you first came to the Bureau, they put you with me, a big Zero.

S-Well, I sorta like how it turned out, 'specially when you give me that sweet pout.

M&S-Conspiracies fly in the F.B.I., we'll find out why in the F.B.I, know we must try in the F.B.I, until we die in the F.B.I.

M-Scully, I'm glad that you are here, though it will ruin your career.

S-Mulder, why don't you get a clue? You must know I do it all for you.

41. I guess you can buy Chupacabra info on any street corner in Fresno.

42. Tell the truth. We're you just a little bit relieved that Mulder didn't jump under the trucks to catch Eladio? (You know he wanted to.)

43. More dead goats? Where are Mulder's sunflower seeds now?

44. I think I should go back and count. How many references is that to these people being invisible? I think we get the point.

45. It seemed only fitting that Flakita smacked herself in the head as she exited the police car.

46. Did you think that Gabrielle was Eladio's cousin? I sure didn't.

47. TWC6: Holy Flaming Cow! Shutting the truck door after Scully. Aye caramba!

48. Sitting in the truck with Lozano, Scully is thinking not about the case, but about her man.

I Have a Love (sung to the tune of I Have a Love) (sung by Scully)

I have a love and it's all that I have, right or wrong, what else can I do?
I love him, I'm his, and everything he is I am too.
I have a love, and it's all that I need, right or wrong, and he needs me too.
I love him, we're one, there's nothing to be done. Not a thing I can do.
But hold him, hold him forever. Be with him now, tomorrow, and all of my life.
When love comes so strong, there is no right or wrong, your love is your life.

49. (Didja notice that I didn't change any of the words there?) I think that song is a great one for M/S.

50. "Hey, you have to clean that up"? This store is self-serve in more ways than one.

51. My advice would always be to stay away from fuzzy nuts.

52. Looks like there's two men and a little redhead to stand between two brothers.

53. Mulder's come along way from "nojo on the roho". "Apurante! Drop it!" Impressive.

54. What did I say about those fuzzy nuts? Ewwww!

55. I'm sure Mexico appreciates that people want to go there to hide their terrible faces.

56. Ah, I think I've figured out the secret of this episode! Just keep repeating the same lines over and over and over and maybe eventually it will make sense! We've got the invisible thing, the nobody cares thing, the two men/one woman thing, the God curses the man who stands between two brothers thing, etc., etc. It's a good thing I added the music to break up the monotony!!

57. Now *Mulder's* gettin' bossy: "Get on your cell phone and have a haz-mat team assembled."

58. First we have lines repeated, now we get to see the end scene from everybody's viewpoint too. Think this episode came up a little short?

Cool (sung to the tune of Cool) (sung by Lozano)

Boys, boys, crazy boys, get cool boys! We'll have one brother, kill the other. Keep cool-y cool boys!
I'm the law, but I'll withdraw, and let you proceed.
You want to kill, some blood to spill, so I'll wait and let you do the deed.
Boys, boys, crazy boys, stay loose boys. Let me quote boy, sucking goat boy, turn on the juice boys!
Go man go, but not like a yo-yo, fool boys, just play it cool boys . . . real cool.

59. So in the end Soledad couldn't kill his brother, Lozano was killed instead, but God cursed Soledad anyway and turned him into El Chupacabra like his brother. So together they run off to Mexico, destined to be together. Inseparable. Sort of like the Olson Twins.

60. And what was with the bald alien head fading into Skinner's head? I don't even want to go there!

61. "Frankly, I'm confused by this story." Yep, I'd say that about sums it up.

62. Not a fungus but an enzyme. And the enzyme was from outer space. Oh, that explains it then.

63. Scully says once more that the Chupacabra brothers are invisible, but I see them as plain as day, hitchhiking on their way to Mexico. Tell me, would you seriously stop and pick up these two? I don't think so. Oh well, time for the big finish.

Sunday (sung to the tune of Someday) (sung by Scully)

There's a place for us, Sunday's the place for us.
Tons of viewers (we hope, we pray), wait for us . . . Sunday.
There's a time for us, 9 eastern time for us.
Behind The Simpsons we'll find success, the top ten at our new address . . .
Somehow, Sunday, we'll find a new way of winning, Mulder, it's just the beginning. Sunday.
There's a place for us, Sunday's the place for us.
Hold my hand and we'll meet our goal. Next week we follow the Super Bowl.
Somehow . . . Somewhere . . . Sunday!

64. I guess in retrospect, El Mundo Gira was a *little* better than Teso Dos Bichos. At least I didn't see Mulder & Scully snickering through this one, and there were no stuffed pussycats to deal with. And no dead rats. Just dead goats. But the good news is, it's done! Now we can move on to bigger and better things! So, what did you think?

65. "The truth is, nobody cares."

With apologies to Leonard Bernstein, Stephen Sondheim, the Best Picture of 1961, and to everyone else, including Amy and John Shiban.

Enjoy Per Manum.