Theatre of the Mind ~ Home

Sorry for the delay in getting this one posted. Real life intrudes again. I know the TOTMs will come a little slower during the holiday season, but I'll try to get at least one a week done, hopefully more. I know I'll need a diversion in the busy weeks to come! Again sorry for the delay, but hope you enjoy.

Well, it's the infamous episode of the X-Files that marked the return of Morgan & Wong to the 1013 fold, the first "viewer discretion is advised" warning on the show, and the first episode to be banned from the network. (Of course, "Home" was eventually rerun on the FOX network, but not until it had run on FX 387 times [and become a fan favorite there], been released on video, and our gross-out factor had been significantly desensitized by years of watching reality shows on the FOX network.) Anyhoo, what you might not know about "Home" is that in its original version Mulder & Scully interacted with quite a few more residents of this quaint little "Mayberry"-esque town. These scenes were eventually left on the cutting room floor; but, lucky for you, I have been able to rescue them and provide them here for your "imagining" pleasure. So, without further adieu, here is tonight's Theatre of the Mind-"Home".

1. Morgan & Wong prove that you can go "Home" again-if only for a little while.

2. I always wanted to write this: It was a dark and stormy night.

3. I wonder how many expectant moms watched this childbirth scene and then cancelled the rest of their Lamaze classes?

4. This episode has been on for what, five minutes now? And I believe I can already sum it up in one word: Ewwww.

5. Home . . . heh, heh, I get it. I like baseball. (And love the delayed "Pennsylvania". Cute.)

6. You know, I think Mr. Coakley (in "Aubrey") lived in a house that looked exactly like this one.

7. Sorry, kids. Game called for today due to a pretty grisly discovery. This hardly ever happens in the majors. (Okay, maybe at Yankee Stadium.)

8. TWC1: Ahh, a ray of sunshine amidst all this darkness! Woo hoo! The man looks fine in those rolled up shirtsleeves . . . bouncing that ball off his bicep . . . working on his grip . . . Eau de Mulder. And FWIW, I think this part of Season 4 is the best Scully hair ever.

9. "Meanwhile, I've quit the F.B.I. and become a spokesperson for the Ab-roller." LOL.

10. "Smell that." Turnabout is fair play, Scully. After all, you did ask him to smell Mr. Jarvis in "Revelations."

11. Gosh, we learn a lot about Fox Mulder in ten seconds. He does have some nice memories of his childhood after all.

12. Mulder sans cell phone = catatonic schizophrenia. Now we know what happened to him in "Drive." Missing Scene (right after Mulder says he would like to live in a place like Home): M: I'm serious, Scully, I really could settle down here . . . or someplace like this. Mount Pilot, or Raleigh maybe. S: Raleigh? M: Yeah. Did you know that my Mom grew up in Raleigh? She was born there; says she wants to be buried there too. My parents had a winter house on Ocracoke Island. My parents believed in having vacation homes in places that were hard to spell. I spent a lot of time in North Carolina as a kid. S: Yeah, but Mulder, this is Pennsylvania. Not North Carolina. M: Oh. You know, I always get those two states mixed up.

13. Sheriff Andy Taylor? Mulder and I are all a-tingle!

14. TWC2: Who can resist gum-chewing Mulder? From "Pusher," to "Home," to blowing those cute little bubbles in "Chimera." Maybe he's trying to curb his seed habit?

15. So the Peacocks live in filth without the modern amenities and they breed their own stock. Yeah, Sheriff, I get your drift. I played left drift in high school!

16. Just as I was starting to hear that whistling theme song, it's suddenly replaced by the twangy strains of Dueling Banjos.

17. Sheriff Without a Gun. Weren't they going to make a movie of that story? (Yes, see Episode #166 of TAGS.)

18. It must be fun to work in a place where you have to check and see whether you've grabbed your lunch or evidence out of the fridge!

19. When I imagined the day that Mulder and Scully would be in close quarters and that Scully would snap on the latex, this wasn't what I had in mind. (Though I enjoyed those scenes that were filmed but cut from the final version. Something about Mulder's pocket . . . .)

20. TWC3: Just looove Squeamish!Mulder

21. It's another Conversation on the Bench! (What is it these two have with benches and hallways?) Should the MSRM be the Conversation on the Bench? Naw. Waaay too easy! Let's pick something a little tougher!

22. TWC4: Now, I'm not exactly sure what went on in that little washroom when Mulder was pressed soooo tightly up against Scully, but after he sits down on the bench . . . well, draw your own conclusions. "Nicely wrapped package," that's all I'm saying.

23. "Well, just find yourself a man with a spotless genetic makeup and a really high tolerance for being second-guessed and start pumping out the little Uber-Scullies." I believe she's already found him.

24. TWC5: Hand rubbing her back, little fist-pump as he notes that the Mulder family passes genetic muster. What's not to love? (I bet Scully knew right then and there that he was going to be the poppa of her bambinos.)

25. "Now we all have a natural instinct to propagate . . ." "Do we?" (You just don't know it yet, Mulder. The Fowl One explained it best. Ewww. I'm giving credit to the Fowl One? Double ewww!!)

26. This one is the Scully Show now, as Mulder is ready to pack it in but Scully wants to investigate.

27. "I never saw you as a mother before." Awwww.

Missing Scene - The Taylor House, living room:

M: So, your name is Opie? It's a bizarre name for a kid, huh?

Opie: I don't think so, *Fox*.

M: Okay, so your dad told me that you were one of the kids who discovered the body. Can you tell me what happened?

Opie: Well, it was just a regular game. It happened right after I hit that foul ball onto the Peacock's property. My friend Jonny Paul was playing right field. He wouldn't go after the ball, and we had to get another one.

M: Right field, huh?

Opie: Yeah, they put him out in right field, 'cause he's not very good.

M: What's wrong with right field? Gotta have an arm to play right field. I played right field.

CUT TO - The Taylor House, kitchen

Aunt Bee: Would you like a cup of tea, dear?

S: Oh, no, Miss Taylor, thank you. Your nephew told me that you knew the Peacock family. I was wondering if you could tell me a little bit about them?

Aunt Bee: They were pleasant people. Proud people. Very proud of their home, their farm, their heritage, and their children. Mrs. Peacock was an excellent homemaker-she used to win first prize at the county fair every year for her prestigious preserved peppered pickles. I tried to beat her every year, but I never succeeded. Her preserved peppered pickles were practically perfect.

S: How many peppered pickles did Mrs. Peacock preserve?

Aunt Bee: Oh, pints and pints. Pints and pints of practically perfect preserved peppered pickles. It was so sad . . . the Peacocks were on their way home from the county fair where Mrs. Peacock had picked up her prize for her preserved peppered pickles when the accident occurred.

S: Yes, I read the report. There was ponderous precipitation prompting a pileup on the parkway and the Peacock's pickup was pulverized by a purple pinto.

Aunt Bee: Precisely. But I always try to find the sunshine behind every dark cloud.

S: And what would that be, Miss Taylor?

Aunt Bee: I've won first prize at the county fair for my peppered pickles every year since!

28. Probable cause? Since when has that been an issue?

29. I always feel like somebody's watching me . . .

Missing Scene - Wally's Garage

M: Hello! Anybody here?

S: I think this is a long shot, Mulder. That Cadillac could have come from anywhere. Why don't we just wait for Danny to get back to us with info on the VIN?

M: I just think we ought to cover all our bases, Scully. This is the only garage in town. They might know something about the car being abandoned.

Gomer Pyle: I thought I heard somebody out here. Hey!

M: Ummm, hey. I'm Agent Mulder, this is Agent Scully. We're with the F.B.I. and we'd like to . . .

Gomer: Shazaaam! The real F.B.I.?

S: Yes, the one and only. We're here to ask you a few questions about . . .

Gomer: Gawwwleee! Real live Federal agents. Goober! Come out here, quick. There's real live Federal agents here!

S: Sir, we really don't have time to . . .

Gomer: This here's my cousin Goober. Goober, this here's Agents Mulder and Scully of the F.B.I. They're investigatin' that body they're keepin' over in the Sheriff's refrigerator.

Goober: Hey.

M: Actually, we'd like to ask you a few questions about a Cadillac that may have been abandoned . . .

Gomer: You know, you sure do dress nice. You look just like that movie actor, Cary Grant. Goober can do an impression of Cary Grant. You want to hear it?

S: Sir, we really don't have time . . .

Gomer: Go on, Goober. Do Cary Grant.

Goober: Judy, Judy, Judy.

Gomer: Don't he sound just like Cary Grant? Do it again, Goober!

M: Scully, I think you were right. Let's go back to the motel and wait for Danny to call.

30. George, Sherman, and Edmund. I'm thinking Larry, Darryl and Darryl with an attitude.

31. When Sheriff Taylor got out his gun, you knew it wouldn't be pretty, didn't you?

32. A little gasoline aperitif always hits the spot!

Missing Scene (In Mulder's motel room)

S: (on phone) Oh, hello, I'm sorry, I was trying to make a long distance call. Who is this, please? Sarah? You're the operator? I'm sorry, I thought I could dial direct. Yes, I want to place a call to the Federal Bureau of Investigation, Washington, D.C. Yes, I *am* one of the F.B.I. agents in town. You like my hair? Well, thank you. What about my partner? You think he's cute? Well, there is *something* about him, I'll give you that. Is he my what? Well, um, not in the widely understood definition of that term. Listen, Sarah, I'd love to chat, but could I get my line please? Thank you.

33. Okay, here's my obscure choice for the MSRM. As Scully watches Mulder fiddling with the TV antenna in his room, she gets such a sweet little smile. I'm thinking she's thinking he's like a big goofy kid-so sweet and so childlike in many ways. I see love in that little smile. That's my moment; YMMV.

34. But of course I can't help thinking of the bloopers in this scene. Boink! (LOL)

35. TWC6: "Good night, Mom." And Scully's thinking, can't help lovin' 'dat man of mine!

36. Mulder can't lock his door but wisely takes other precautions; Sheriff Taylor should have done the same.

37. I hope the Peacocks brought along a towel with their bats and clubs and other stuff. I bet those Cadillac seats are still wet after all that rain the other night.

38. Now I can't listen to a Johnny Mathis song without thinking of brutal killers (see also "Pusher").

39. As Johnny sings, we are left to ponder exactly who the Peacocks are coming after. Could it be small-town Sheriff Taylor? The peacefully sleeping Agent Scully? Or insomniac Agent Mulder? (I think he caught that show he's watching in reruns during "Detour".)

40. You all know what happens next. Suffice it to say that I think the Peacocks got 'em. I think they got 'em and a half.

41. TWC7: You know me. In the face of tragedy, focus on the lovely Agent Mulder. A big woo hoo as he's looking good outside the Sheriff's house. (And Scully's hair still looks good!)

42. All of the Peacock brothers were the father of that child? This could give a whole new meaning to "Three Men and a Baby."

43. Just love Scully explaining the Birds and the Bees to Mulder. This will save time later.

44. Interesting that this is one time that Scully listens to her heart instead of her head. She's usually reining Mulder in, but Scully smells a woman in trouble and she wants to rush the Peacock house immediately without waiting for backup.

45. TWC8: "That was just a little bit too Chuck Bronson for me, Scully." Hoo-boy!

46. There have been a lot of gross things in this episode, but the grossest could be a full Monty from the Peacock boys! Thankfully, we don't get that camera angle!

47. For a little town where the Sheriff doesn't carry a gun, they sure got those headsets and vests quick!

Missing Scene (outside the Peacock house):

Barney: Okay, I think we're about ready. Everybody get your bullet out of your pocket and lock and load.

M: What? Barney: Your bullet, man! Load your weapon! Three bullets, that means we each have to take out one of them! We can't let these Peacocks hurt anyone else! We've got to nip it. Nip. It. In. The. Bud!!

M: You only have one bullet?

Barney: You only need one when you're a good shot. I'll do my part. You two do yours! (stalks off)

M: Scully, remember what I said about living here? I take it back.

S: Oh, I don't know Mulder. Despite mutant families and brutal infanticide, this place is beginning to grow on me. One of these days, we're going to want to get out of the car, Mulder. And this could be the kind of place where we park.

M: What?

S: Oh, never mind. When we get done here, Mulder, I think we should stop in town before we head for home. You need a haircut. And I saw a cute little barber shop there. Floyd's, I think it was.

48. TWC9: And tonight's Holy Flaming Cow moment: Mulder in kevlar. Lord have mercy.

49. Sorry. Deputy Pastor lost his head. (You could see that one coming a mile away, couldn't you?)

50. Only Mulder could wax poetic about undiluted animal behavior.

51. "Scully, would you think less of me as a man if I told you I was kind of excited right now?" LOL!

52. "Baa-Ram-Ewe! Baa-Ram-Ewe!" "Babe 15 times a day." ROTFLMAO.

53. It's a Charlie reference! (We assume, since we'll learn later that Bill & Tara haven't had their first child yet.) Those Charlie references are harder to come by than Mulder!Mentions in Season 8!

54. The place is booby-trapped! So watch your boobies and other important body parts that could be in danger of getting whacked off!

55. TWC10: Elvis Presley Dead at 42. Love the little pout. He's just a-hunk-a-hunk of burnin' love!

56. Oh, I get this now! I'm focusing on the wrong sitcom! Three boys being raised by a single parent; it's My Three Sons without Uncle Charley and Tramp! (And of course the single parent lives under the bed.)

57. A little nitpick: Apparently, Mulder's not the only one who doesn't know North Carolina from Pennsylvania. From "I'm hooooongry" to the "War of Northern Aggression", the Peacock clan sure seems to be the stereotype of backwoods hillbillies from the rural south. Make up your mind!

58. "Maybe one day you'll learn the pride, the love, when you know your boy will do anything for his mother." (Maybe he'll help her find his daddy. Scully and Doggett aren't doing so good.)

59. Oops, Mulder didn't have a chance to get the message that these boys feel no pain. Meanwhile, he's getting the crap knocked out of him again.

60. But Scully saves the day with her "I've got the mother" bluff. You go, girl!

61. TWC11: Luckily, despite their run-ins with pigs (stinky's good), an inbred Addams Family, and a house of horrors, Mulder in his kevlar and Scully and her hair are still looking mahvelous!

Missing Scene (outside the Peacock house as M&S discuss catching the missing Peacocks):

S: Mulder, did you hear that?

M: Hear what?

S: It sounds like glass breaking. Mulder, look! There's somebody over there throwing rocks at the house. Breaking the windows!

M: Hold it right there! F.B.I.! Freeze! Put the rocks down and lace your fingers behind your head!

Ernest T. Bass: No, no no, you'll never catch me! You know who I am, I'm Ernest T.! Ernest T. Bass and I'm filled with glee, 'cause I've come to marry Mrs. P.!

S: Sir, put the rocks down and step back. Mrs. Peacock is gone.

ETB: Gone? But she's my one true love. I couldn't marry Charlene Darling, and I couldn't marry the lovely Romenna. I wanted to marry Mrs. P! Mrs. P and Ernest T. Happy together for eternity!

M: Sir, you're going to have to stop throwing those rocks or I'll be forced to shoot you. Scully, I think this is Ernest T. Bass. Sheriff Taylor mentioned that he was a friend of the Peacock's. Someone we might talk to, except that he was a little bit off his nut.

S: You know, Mulder, all the nuts roll down to Florida, but sometimes they make a stop in Pennsylvania.

ETB: Well, if Mrs. P. is gone, that means I'm available again! What's your name?

S: I'm Agent Scully, and this is Agent Mulder. We're with the F.B.I.

ETB: How-do-you-do-Agent-Scully. Agent Scully, marry me. Marry me, I'm Ernest T.! (He tries to grab Scully.)

M: Hey, you, get your hands off her! (ETB hits Mulder over the head with a rock.)

S: Don't hit him on the head! (Scully takes out Ernest T. with a right uppercut to the chin.) Mulder, are you okay? Speak to me!

M: Uhh . . . Scully, is that you? I'm fine. Are you okay? Looks like I clocked him pretty good, huh?

S: I'm fine, Mulder. You saved me. Sometimes I like it when you're the big macho man.

M: Well, I'd like to show you what kind of a man I really am, but right now I have a splitting headache. Do you think you can drive us home? Think your little feet can reach the pedals?

S: Yes, I think so, Mulder. Let's get you in the car.

M: You know, Scully, I was thinking about what you said about stopping the car? I'm not really in any hurry to get home, and I was thinking maybe we could stop somewhere as long as we're in Pennsylvania and everything.

S: Okay, Mulder. I'm in no hurry to get home either. Any idea where you want to go?

M: Uh-huh. Intercourse. Intercourse, Pennsylvania.

S: I think that can be arranged, Mulder. With any luck, I think we can get to Intercourse by nightfall.

M: 'Kay. Scully?

S: Yes?

M: I love you.

S: Oh, brother. Mulder, let's just wait and see what happens after Intercourse, okay?

62. And as our beloved agents make their way "home" (after a not-so-brief stop), Edmund and Mrs. Peacock are off to find their own new home. Wonderful, wonderful.

63. Well, no X-File here; just some murder and mayhem, incest and infanticide. It's an episode that's kind of like a car wreck. You don't want to look, but somehow, you can't help yourself. (But on the plus side, there's something to be said for an episode with 11 TWC's. M&S are both looking their best in Season 4 and this is just the beginning!)

64. And last but not least, one from the Spooky Files: The TV show about a certain sheriff from Mayberry ran for eight seasons. After one of the stars of the show decided he did not want to continue, it was determined that the show would continue with a different cast. So in the first show of the ninth season, two of the old characters were married off and moved away. And the show continued for three more years with a new lead character and many of the old supporting characters. Just a coincidence? Well, if coincidences are just coincidences, why do they feel so contrived? I think not. I say, Chris, take a lesson from the past, make us happy and make yourself happy. It'll work; I know it. How do I know? I think you know.

65. I just knew. And people call *me* Spooky.

Well, apologies to all involved, but especially to the gang from Mayberry. This insomniac is finally off to bed.