Theatre of the Mind ~ XF Season 4

1. Herrenvolk - Jeremiah was not a bullfrog, but an alien. Lots and lots of Samanthas. Lots and lots of bees. CSM has got it bad for Mrs. Mulder. Agent Pendrell has got it bad for Agent Scully. The Mighty Morphin' ABH has got it bad for everybody. Mulder and Scully discuss protection (not what you think). Mulder!Angst and Scully!Comfort (it is what you think). Mr. X says "Protect the mother," but he couldn't protect himself. Not a long shelf life for Mulder's informants. Introducing Ms. Lispy Bee Husbandry just to annoy me. "Everything dies." Except Ma Mulder, apparently.

2. Home - Viewer discretion is advised. I'll say. Morgan & Wong come "home" again. Mulder loves baseball. Scully as ab roller spokesperson: can you dig it? It's Mayberry R.F.D. (Really Freaky Doings). The Conversation on the Bench! Oh, for the day when she *can* pump out little Uber-Scully's with a man whose family passes genetic muster. "Good night, Mom." Mulder in kevlar (woo hoo!). Scully proves she's a "Babe" in more ways than one. Elvis is dead; long live the King! Murder, mayhem, incest and infanticide; despite the gore, it's wonderful, wonderful.

3. Teliko - There's a Michael Jackson joke in here somewhere. Deceive, Inveigle, and Obfuscate (first tagline change for a non-mytharc episode). Don't tease the little guy, Mulder. Marita's back-yuck. "You'd be surprised at what I believe, sir." Aboah swallows a didgeridoo (that's a shout-out to my bud, Double A)! Mulder drops his gun *and* his flashlight. Mulder drool! Scully's turn to get the next mutant. Unspoken communication: When this is over, let's go see the Liberty Bell.

4. Unruhe - XF moves to Sundays with this tale of psychic photography and twilight sleep. Forget Kodak; ETAP's the way to go! Scully gets to drive a lot (her little feet do reach the pedals of an SUV)! Gerry with the goo-goo-googly eyes. Cancel my dentist appointment. Who knew Scully spoke German? Only Mulder could study a "thoughtograph" and turn fingers into tombstones. "I have no unrest" just another way to say, "I'm fine." Scully tries to save herself, but Mulder ultimately saves the day. Angst-o-rama all the way around.

5. The Field Where I Died - Mulder learns "It's All Been Done" before. Raid-wear: yum! "Souls mate, eternal." That's nice, but most shippers hate it, because the "soul" is Melissa and not Scully-Scully is best bud or father figure. That's okay. Scully still wouldn't change a day. First "Dana" since Season 1. "If it were true . . . no life would be pointless." Cheer up: we know they are linked in mind, body, and dangerous purpose; we find their *souls* are entangled for all eternity. The goal in sight again.

6. Sanguinarium - There's some wild goings-on in the old Aesthetic Surgery Unit. What the beautiful people won't do to keep looking good! Mulder picks his nose. People yack up all kinds of things, including a whack of surgical instruments. What comes out must first go in. "Everyone wants to be beautiful, Scully."

7. Musings of a Cigarette Smoking Man - M&S take a break; it's the CSM story. He's killed world leaders, fixed the Olympics and the Super Bowl, played matchmaker with Mulder & Scully, but he's just a frustrated novelist at heart. Can we see the picture of little Fox and his Mommy one more time? Mulder's name could be Fox Hunt? It's Ronald Deep Throat to you. "I can kill you whenever I please . . . but not today." Polly says this is her least favorite episode ever. Don't use my name! What the hell's wrong with you? Now I'll have to kill you.

8. Tunguska - The oilien and Ratboy (and his stupid-ass haircut) return! "Expose it for him, Scully." Skinner's got a pretty nice chest. The lost three minutes spent discussing lispy bee husbandry. WMM has his own girl on the side. Sergei? Whips, floggings, cockroaches, chicken wire, invaded by the oilien, Big Time Mulder!Torture! The 1013 motto is revealed: "These men, they make it up as they go along." To be continued . . .

9. Terma - E Pur Si Muove or "Still it moves." M&S both do the crime, so they both do the time. Mulder survives with revenge on his mind. The Great Escape. Mulder can't drive a stick shift. Krycek feels there's something missing in his life. No arm, no test. BIG welcome home hug! That darn Skinner and his Reunion Interruptus. Treatment of nursing home patients makes you want to get your long-term care in order. Mulder gains an oil well but loses a rock. "It's been a long, strange trip."

10. Paper Hearts - Part mytharc, part MOTW; Samantha, Mulder!Angst, Mulder!Torture, Scully!Angst, Scully!Comfort, Strong!Skinner, and Mulder!Glasses. Who could ask for anything more? "You do good work, Mulder." Dreams are answers to questions we haven't yet learned how to ask; but the dream of finding Samantha is becoming a nightmare. Swish! Nothin' but net! Return of the ankle holster and Ma Mulder and her 30-year-old vacuum cleaner she doesn't use anymore. "Help me, Scully." Scully has adventures in babysitting. They will find the answer together. Polly's favorite episode ever.

11. El Mundo Gira - John Shiban strikes again. There's a fungus amongus in this Mexican soap opera. Two men, one woman. Trouble. "Scully, I've been thinking. I know that's dangerous." Bottom line: This is one goat-sucking episode.

12. Leonard Betts - Biggest audience ever for this post-Super Bowl showing. "Did I mention that Mr. Betts had no head?" Life after "Fame" and before Dr. Romano. Squeamish!Mulder and his long arms get to go bobbing for Leonard. "Let's get a slice to go." No way. Way. Leonard isn't just cancer, he needs it to survive. "I'm sorry, but you've got something I need." No way. Way. We are up to our asses in alligators.

13. Never Again - It's a somewhat Fractured Fairy Tale: The further misadventures of Moose & Squirrel. "Eenie, meenie, chili beanie, the spirits are about to speak." It's not all about Mulder; it's not even all about the desk. Everyone gets the tattoo they deserve; some get Jodie Foster. While Scully is walking a fine line, Mulder is walking in Memphis. So "Millennium" was all about Scully's ouroboros tattoo? Did they or didn't they? Two appearances in the XF-a world record for Scully till Mulder gets that too. "Not everything is about you Mulder. This is my life." "Yes, but it's m....."

14. Memento Mori - "If not for which I might never have been so strong now as I cross to face you incomplete, hoping that you will forgive me for not making the rest of the journey with you." Scully has cancer. "I will be right there." Ma Scully returns! Mulder picks out something black and sexy and prepares to do some funky poaching. Skinner won't let Mulder deal with the devil; sells his own soul instead. The bee boys grow up to be Kirk Crawford. Scully is barren; will he ever tell her about the ova? "They're our mothers." He got scared something had happened. Hallway hug and forehead kiss. "The truth will save you, Scully. I think it will save both of us." Certainly one of the best ever.

15. Kaddish - People who are brought back to life through the power of prayer. That couldn't happen, could it? They don't make burning books the way they used to. Is Mulder Jewish? We still don't know for sure. Mulder just loves listening to Scully's rational theories. That's a really big ring! A creature created not out of revenge, but out of love. "I am to my beloved as my beloved is to me."

16. Unrequited - It's in the cards that these military guys will be meeting their maker. That first scene was so nice, they showed it twice. Or maybe the episode was just a little short on time. Who let the dogs out? We found your bleepin' disappearing assassin. A Mulder/Skinner moment? Worst part: Marita returns. Best part: Mulder looks darn good throughout.

17. Tempus Fugit - Happy Birthday, Dana Katherine Scully. Snowballs and sparklers. Gifts and everything. "You sure know how to make a girl feel special on her birthday." I may never fly again. "Do you remember the last time you were missing nine minutes?" Max Fenig returns, but too briefly. It appears there's a conspiracy afoot. A trip to Mulder's hotel room doesn't end as Scully hoped. Mulder gets to drive fast and go scuba diving. Scully goes bar hopping; Pendrell finally gets the nerve but gets "shot down" in more ways than one. To be continued . . .

18. Max - Mulder does more jail time. Scully gets there just in time to watch him strip and to break the bad news that Pendrell is dead. (:::sniff::: I regret that Agent Pendrell had but one life to give for the XF!) Max's trailer: Apartment 42 on wheels. Mulder tells a *really* descriptive story. Was it a good idea to get on a plane with that alien energy source? I'll let you know in about nine minutes. What's the meaning of the gift? No substitute for perseverance, hard work, and teamwork; no one gets there alone. "I just thought it was a pretty cool keychain."

19. Synchrony - Back to the Future with Marty Mulder instead of Marty McFly. People are unexpectedly freezing or spontaneously combusting all over the place. Aww, he memorized her senior thesis. Season 8 words to live by: "Well, if he's already dead, then he's got nothing to lose."

20. Small Potatoes - Just how big was his light saber? Birds do it, bees do it, even educated M.D.'s do it. The return of Darin Morgan! "The H is silent." "Should we be picking out china patterns, or what?" Mulder gets a nice piece of tail. How Scully spends her wild Friday nights. Beware of Mulder bearing wine. Tipsy Scully is so cute! "I'm seeing a whole new side of you, Mulder." Darn! CC won't even let us have a Faux!Mulder kiss! Not a loser, but no Eddie Van Blundt either.

21. Zero-Sum - Skinner gets the price tag for that little deal and goes into sticker shock. Things are "buzzing" at Transcontinental Express. Skinner gets "stung" by CSM's deal, but oh those tightie whities! Mulder makes a "beeline" to his boss's apartment to tell him Scully is in the hospital, then gets a "bee in his bonnet" to bring Skinner down. It's the "queen" of lispy bee husbandy again! Mulder finds out Skinner made a "honey" of a deal to protect him and try to save Scully. I could "drone" on and on about it, but this whole episode gives me the "hives."

22. Elegy - Jock!Mulder excels at another sport. "She is me." Scully sees dead people; that's not good. Who needs to be convinced she's "fine"? Talk with Karen Kosseff means talk about Mulder and feelings. Scully gets Mulder-sized leaps and solves the case. "I know what you're afraid of. I'm afraid of the same thing." All of a sudden, it's real: Scully is going to die. John Shiban gets this one right.

23. Demons - Nekkid, wet, in shock Mulder. (Do you really need a story?) Scully gets to play doctor and lawyer. Still more jail time for Mulder. What really happened to Samantha? While you're asking Mom who your father is, could you find out her first name too? Some people can never have too many holes in their head. "Let it go." Mulder!Torture, Scully!Comfort. 'Nuff said.

24. Gethsemene - Believe the Lie. Meet Brother Bill! Yukon!Mulder and lots of footwear make Polly a happy camper. Alien autopsy without plunking down $29.95. Michael Kritschgau spins the truth or a lie. "He said that the men behind this hoax . . . behind these lies . . . gave me this disease to make you believe." Will Scully succumb to cancer? Did Mulder really commit suicide (the biggest ditch of all)? We haven't got time to think about that! We're off to make a movie, boys and girls! (And DD was off to be married one week after Gethsemene wrapped. Congrats DD & Tea!)

Many people feel that Season 4 was the XF at its best, and while you'll get no argument from me that Season 4 is pretty darn great, my personal favorite total season happens to be Season 5. Redux II, Detour, PMP, Kill Switch, Bad Blood, PBV, Folie a' Deux, just to name a few. I didn't think there was one bad episode in the whole darn bunch of Season 5. (I didn't even mind Travelers all that much!) So Season 4 is history and we're ready to forge ahead. Season 5: Bring it on!

I already apologized individually, but consider this a collective apology!