Theatre of the Mind ~ Arcadia
I sat down to watch "Arcadia" for about the 100th time in order to write this TOTM, and I had an epiphany. Mind you, I didn't let out a girly-scream, but it was an epiphany nonetheless. I'll tell you all about it at the end.
1. Arcadia - a region of ancient Greece whose inhabitants lived a life of rural simplicity and contentment, relatively isolated from the rest of the known civilized world. There are towns and cities by that name in 20 states in the U.S.A. (including California).
2. Open the pod bay planned community gates, Hal.
3. Frankly, if my neighbors would do some of my outside work, I'd be rather thankful.
4. How much wood would a whirligig chop if a whirligig could chop wood?
5. Nice to know those old trophies are good for something.
6. Oooh, that's gonna stain.
7. From what I can see of this monster, he sort of looks like Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo, on "South Park." Not that I watch that or anything. Oh my God. They killed Mr. Kline. You bastards!
8. Were I Mrs. Kline, I might have given some thought to taking a nosedive right out that open window.
9. TWC1: Yuppie!Mulder and Yuppie!Scully! Nice package. I was talkin' about the basket.
10. Pee-tree. Like the dish. ROTFLMAO!
11. Wow! I'd like to get the name of that cleaning crew.
12. Scully doesn't usually mind Mulder invading her space. I guess marriage does change things.
13. I thought Win was "Will & Grace's" friend. He gets around. As does Jerry from "E.R."
14. Don't worry about it, Mike. They like picking out china patterns.
15. TWC2: I think you should *watch* Mulder shoot hoops before you jump to any conclusions about what is "not aesthetically pleasing."
16. Guess Mulder got a new watch after "Monday." This one tells the date (the 7th), not the day.
17. I was sure Mulder would trip over the ottoman on his way back in the house.
18. Aw, please go back and carry her over the threshold. Please, please, please? For me?
19. FINALLY! The words I've been waiting to hear for six years: "You ready?" "Let's get it on, honey."
20. Awww, you guys suck all the fun out of snapping on the latex.
21. Hmm. While making her mini-documentary, Scully says it's February
24. Continuity mistake? Naw, Mulder was probably just too lazy to keep winding until he got to the right date.
22. Skinner suggested they go undercover as a couple? Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match.
23. TWC3: Honeymoon video. Please, please, please? For me?
24. It *was* their first catch back on the X-Files. Arcadia was shown out of order because supposedly there was some difficulty in getting the effects of Mr. Hankey exactly right. I don't think the extra time helped much. (The production crew didn't nickname it The S*** Monster for nothing.)
25. "Playing house" isn't such a bad thing, Mulder. My M&S action figures do it all the time. You didn't know there were so many uses for flashlights.
26. MSRM: Making sandwiches and snapping off the latex was never cuter. Can you say "flirting"?
27. Since the 16th century, the caduceus has been the symbol of the medical profession. The insignia is a winged staff with two serpents twined around it, and is modeled on a staff carried by Hermes from Greek mythology which became a symbol for truce and neutrality. In earlier cultures, notably the Babylonian, the intertwined snakes symbolized fertility, wisdom, and healing.
28. Since the 20th century, I have admired Mulder's footwear. Especially when he stands on tables and we get that nice toe to top shot!
29. Okay. Show of hands. Who remembers Peter White as Lincoln Tyler on "All My Children"? And 'member how Linc wanted to marry Kitty Shea and Phoebe tried to keep them apart and ... I digress.
30. All the Stepford Wives are excused. I guess to restock the Glade in the bathroom.
31. Isn't it convenient on the XF how when you watch a documentary the exact same thing happens to you? I'm sure we wouldn't *get* it if we didn't have that little hint. Thanks, 1013!
32. Mike, you are the weakest link. Goodbye. You'd better get back to the E.R. Immediately.
33. When she called him Poopyhead, did she mean what I think she meant?
34. Love the bloopers when they're so cuddly on Mr. Gogolack's couch. They're a couch couple.
35. It's good to have a reverential stand for the Good Book - The Gospel According to Gogolak (CC&Rs).
36. Too cute when she pats his hand, and pulls it back quickly. Embarrassed to be so comfortable?
37. I've always wondered: Who runs Piers 2 through 8 Imports?
38. The Shroeders could have two more of those and *still* not have 16 pounds of pet.
39. It's so cute that Mulder seems to be loving every minute of this arrangement and though Scully seems less than thrilled on the outside, I think she's loving it too. ("No kidding," I bet Mulder was getting his shins kicked under that table for all those "new-ager" comments.)
40. TWC4: Sweater vest, rolled up sleeves, and that goofy grin. What's more freaky-deaky is that Scully didn't shower him with real kisses instead of air ones.
41. I think Cami forgot something: her pooper scooper. *Surely* the CC&R's cover *that*.
42. Should have known that even in suburbia in that ugly coat Scully wouldn't forsake her flashlight.
43. Need a longer arm to reach that caduceus. Who do we know with long arms?
44. New Olympic sport: Hurling Chihuahuas.
45. Scully's been wearing those nice silk pajama sets for six years, and *this* is what she chooses to wear when she finally has a man in the house? Guess there's no chance we'll see her in those classic Laura Petrie capri pants either.
46. TWC5: You know he's just trying to get a rise out of her with the sweatshirt toss. But did he have to pull his shirt back down so quickly?
47. The scene in the bedroom just shows how comfortable they are with each other. They mix chatter about the case with talk of toilet seats, toothpaste tubes, and compulsive neatness, or lack thereof. Scully gets down to her mud mask and Mulder toes off his shoes while lounging in the bed. I guess once you've seen each other naked as you save each other from alien viruses and such there isn't a whole lot of mystery left. But love the dueling waggling eyebrows.
48. TWC6: Holy flaming flamingo! Nice footwear, nice outfit, a man ready for a fight. Bring it on.
49. Tropicana! The Official Orange Juice of the X-Files! The Official Urinal of the X-Files!
50. Well, at least there's continuity among watches.
51. You just don't mess with a man's pink flamingo. This is war!
52. What'd I tell you about the basketball? Not aesthetically pleasing? Then you need glasses.
53. Mr. Hankey's after Cami! Where's that killer Scruffy when you need him?
54. Nice shot of Scully's wedding band as she unpacks her *shopping* bag. I'd like that repeated in Season 9. Please, please, for me?
55. Scully couldn't have found somewhere to hide her gun under that preppy outfit?
56. Good thing for Mulder he hadn't had a chance to give Scully her "swinging" lessons yet. He could have been permanently injured ... or at least become a soprano.
57. Mr. Gogolak sure likes to hurl cliches. Dollars to donuts, that won't last long.
58. "Do you care to hear what I think?" "Always." Too cute.
59. TWC7: Some neighbors might be there to watch Mulder dig his own grave, but I believe others are there strictly for the view. Blue jeans? Need I say more? Woo-hoo!
60. S: "Maybe it's time you called it a night." Translation: "Why don't you come to bed, honey?" And the boy obviously needs a backrub, Scully.
61. Not a GPM: You're on the phone with the police or the FBI or whatever ordering a forensic excavation. You hear someone breaking into your house. What to do? Request assistance immediately? Don't be silly! Hang up! Sure, you can handle it alone!
62. So Scully keeps her gun in her underwear drawer. Kinky.
63. Big Mike! You're not dead after all! But you need a shower, man! (And with all that gook, Scully doesn't even get a smudge. Now *that's* an X-File!)
64. Ubermensch: a person with great powers and abilities, demigod, superman.
65. I'm not sure even "E.R." can help Mike now. Ewww.
66. The word "tulpa" is from the Tibetan language and refers to any entity that attains reality solely by the act of imagination, not drawn out, written down or even verbally described. The entity becomes physical reality through intense concentration and visualization by its creator.
67. You think that's the first time anyone told Mulder how stupid he sounded? Don't make me laugh.
68. When Mulder sees his front door is busted down: that's the panic face. (But the good thing about following the dirty footprints is that we get to see Mulder footwear!!)
69. Relief!Face when Mulder realizes it's not Scully all over... over there, and over there ...
70. Looks like Mr. Hankey is beating the "crap" out of Mr. Gogolak.
71. Well, you know, Mr. G., all's well that ends well; the bigger they are, the harder they fall; do unto others as you would have them do unto you; if it's not one thing, it's another; live and learn; nothing ventured, nothing gained; the road to hell is paved with good intentions; people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones; and most importantly, the show must go on. *You* were trouble with a capital T and that rhymes with B and that stands for ... bye-bye!
72. TWC8: Horrified!Mulder might be knee-deep in s*** but he still looks fine. *And* we get to see his footwear poke around one more time! Be still my heart!
73. When Scully/Laura came out on the porch, I just wanted her to sob and say, "Oh, Rob!"
74. I guess the case is over as M&S are out of their Yuppie duds, the moving truck is all packed, and "Rob and Laura" jump in their mini-van one more time to go back to their "normal" lives of serial killers, mothmen, liver eating mutants, global conspiracies, Tauruses, and alien colonization. But now that they've had a taste of married life, I'm sure all those other things pale in comparison. X-Files can't hold a candle to other things they could discover. As Mulder would say, "The thrill is gone."
75. Okay, maybe Mulder & Scully's little marriage experiment wasn't the epitome of wedded bliss. But perhaps it was because they were just "playing" at marriage, not really taking it seriously. Besides which, they had that pesky X-File to investigate. The only thing Rob and Laura had to face were the trials and tribulations of their New Rochelle neighborhood and Rob's wacky workplace. Rob and Laura's relationship was downplayed in favor of the "situations" they got themselves into, but somehow we knew how much they cared about each other because they were best friends and ... hey!
76. Which brings me to my epiphany. What a ripoff! All these years I thought The X-Files was such an inventive, groundbreaking, and imaginative show and now I discover that The X-Files is just a pale imitation of "The Dick Van Dyke Show." Same characters, same plots, just names changed to protect the innocent. Don't believe me? Well, I'll prove it to you. Following are actual episodes of "The Dick Van Dyke Show" followed by their XF counterparts. Coincidence? I think not: Rob takes his new motorcycle out for a spin and unwittingly falls in with a gang of teenage bikers. Mulder takes his new partner out for a spin and unwittingly falls in with a gang of teenage alien groupies (Deep Throat). No one seems to believe Rob's claim that he's seen a flying saucer hovering outside the office window. No one seems to believe Mulder's claim that he's seen a flying saucer hovering just about everywhere (Take Your Pick). Rob and Laura recall a hectic trip to Mexico that almost spelled the end of their new marriage. Mulder and Scully recall a hectic trip to the Arctic that almost spelled the end of their new partnership (Ice). Laura dyes her hair blonde to rekindle Rob's interest after she becomes convinced that the romance has left their marriage. Scully goes to Philadelphia and gets a tattoo to rekindle Mulder's interest after she becomes convinced that the romance has left their partnership (Never Again). Laura goes on national TV and tells the world that Alan Brady is bald. Scully goes on national TV and tries to keep the world from finding out that Mulder is nuts (X-Cops). Rob encounters endless difficulties at a hotel in Albany when he tries to find a functioning TV set during the annual convention of the Seals Lodge. Mulder encounters endless difficulties at a hotel in Home, Pennsylvania, when he tries to find a functioning TV set to watch the Knicks game (Home). Under Jerry's anesthetic, Rob dreams that he's a sheriff in the Old West, the only man who can save the town from the threat of Big Bad Brady. Under a concussion, Mulder dreams that he's a passenger on the Queen Anne, the only man who can save the world from the threat of Cigarette Smoking Nazi (Triangle). A late-show thriller gives Rob a nightmare about a world-domination plot cooked up by an alien who looks exactly like Danny Thomas. A hardback thriller outlines Mulder's nightmare about a world-domination plot cooked up by an alien who looks exactly like Alex Trebek (Jose Chung's From Outer Space). Laura and Rob suspect the worst after they spot Jerry having dinner at a fancy restaurant with a beautiful blonde. Scully and Mulder suspect the worst after they spot Skinner being arrested at a fancy hotel with a dead beautiful blonde (Avatar). Laura's jealousy gets the better of her when Rob begins working overtime with Alan Brady's gorgeous guest star. Scully's jealousy gets the better of her when Mulder begins working overtime with an old X-File partner and chickadee (The End). Rob runs into the old-timer who gave him his first break in show business and makes the mistake of trying to return the favor. Mulder runs into the old-timer who discovered the X-Files and makes the mistake of trying to do a flashback episode without Scully (Travelers). Rob suffers from a post-hypnotic suggestion that forces him to act hopelessly inebriated every time he hears a bell ring. Mulder suffers from a post-head-drilling suggestion that forces him to act hopelessly insane every time he hears voices in his head (Demons). Rob and Laura recount vastly different versions of a spat that sent Rob storming out of the house. Mulder and Scully recount vastly different versions of a case that sent Mulder storming out of their motel after a vampire (Bad Blood). Rob is concerned that Sally may be developing romantic illusions about Ric Vallone, the handsome singer who's been flirting with her all week. Mulder is concerned that Scully may be developing romantic illusions about Philip Padgett, the handsome next-door-neighbor who's been flirting with her all week (Milagro). A sudden fit of uncontrollable sneezing has Rob worried that he's developed an allergic reaction to Laura. A sudden fit of uncontrollable angst has Mulder worried that he's developed a romantic reaction to Scully (Redux II). Rob and Laura help Stacey recover from a cold rejection by the woman of his dreams. Mulder and Scully help Holman Hart recover from a cold rejection by the woman of his dreams. (The Rain King) Fearing disaster, Laura warns Rob not to go on a weekend ski trip and then blames herself for the inevitable accident. Fearing disaster, Scully warns Mulder not to go to the bank and then blames herself for the inevitable accident (Monday). Laura flattens an obnoxious drunk after he slugs Rob, but mainly succeeds in wounding her husband's delicate pride. Scully flattens an obnoxious computer-generated vixen after she slugs Mulder, but mainly succeeds in wounding her partner's delicate pride (First Person Shooter). Rob and Laura share an unsettling night with Buddy and Sally in a haunted cabin. Mulder and Scully share an unsettling night with Ed Asner and Lily Tomlin in a haunted house (How the Ghosts Stole Christmas). A homely mongrel becomes the temporary ward of the Petries after his abbreviated appearance on The Alan Brady Show. A homely Pomeranian becomes the temporary ward of Scully after his abbreviated appearance as a cannibal (Clyde Bruckman's Final Repose). Laura suspects that Rob's comely drawing instructor may be interested in something other than her husband's artistic abilities. Scully suspects that Mulder's comely on-line acquaintance may be interested in something other than her partner's investigative abilities (Alpha). Rob has difficulty coming up with a plausible alibi when the police accuse him of taking part in a barroom brawl. Mulder has difficulty coming up with a plausible alibi when the police accuse him of taking part in a cross country car chase (Drive). Rob's imagination runs rampant when he discovers a sizable sum of cash stowed away in Laura's secret bank account. Mulder's imagination runs rampant when he discovers that Scully has stowed away with the CSM for a little road trip (En Ami). Laura finds herself in an embarrassing fix when she gets her toe stuck in the water spout of a fancy hotel bathtub--with the door locked from the inside. Scully finds herself in an embarrassing fix when she gets her toe stuck in the water spout of a fancy hotel bathtub with the door locked from the inside (Hollywood AD). (Well, it *could* have happened.) Ritchie is grief-stricken by the death of his pet duck. Mulder is grief-stricken by the death of his pet fish (Three Words). Rob worries about his job security when Buddy and Sally polish off an entire script while he's out sick. Mulder worries about his job security when Scully and Doggett polish off half a season while he's out dead (Season 8). Rob recalls the final frantic days of Laura's pregnancy, which culminated in her arrival at the maternity ward in a laundry truck. Mulder recalls the final frantic days of Scully's pregnancy, which culminated in her arrival at the "maternity ward" (including whale songs) in a ghost town (Existence).
77. Still not convinced? You skeptic, you. Okay. I offer still more proof: Rob and Laura emerge as believable human beings from the very first episode, as we watch them argue, cook liver, and fret about leaving their boy with the baby-sitter--just like real people. Mulder and Scully emerge as believable human beings from the very first episode, as we watch them argue, exhume bodies, and fret about leaving their evidence in the hotel just like real people. Rob & Laura had one son, Ritchie. Mulder & Scully had one son, William. The Dick Van Dyke Show was not a success in its first season, finishing 80th for the year. The X-Files was not a success in its first season, finishing 113th for the year. Rob and Laura never slept in the same bed on the show. Mulder and Scully never slept in the same bed on the show. Rob and Laura share a physical attraction that was remarkably frank for television. Mulder and Scully share a physical attraction that was remarkably frank for television. In five years, Rob and Laura rarely uttered the words "I love you" onscreen because they never had to. In eight years, Mulder and Scully rarely uttered the words "I love you" on screen because they never had to.
78. Of course, now that I have made this startling realization, it makes me sad. Because now that I know the secret of the XF *and* I know that Mulder won't be back anymore, it makes me long for those Dick Van Dyke episodes that I'll *never* see get the X-Files treatment. For example: Mulder thinks he and Scully have brought the wrong baby home from the hospital. Will tells his classmates where babies come from. (That should be a good one.) Worried that he might not get 50 years with a decent head of hair, Mulder consults a quack who administers an oil and vinegar treatment. Mulder and Skinner sign on as silent partners in a discount shoe store (an entire footwear episode!). Scully single-handedly destroys generations of Mulder family tradition when she accidentally crunches a garish rag doll in the garbage disposal. And, of course, M&S explain to Will why his middle name is R.O.S.E.B.U.D.
79. I realize that some of you have never seen "The Dick Van Dyke Show," and therefore this TOTM will not make a whole lot of sense to you and you won't find it the least bit amusing. So you'll just have to take my word for it when I tell you that this TOTM was spot-on and downright hi-larious!! And if anyone who *has* seen "The Dick Van Dyke Show" before tries to tell you differently, who are you going to trust? Yeah, yeah, I know. Trust No One.
With apologies to Mr. Hankey, "South Park," Carl Reiner, Dick Van Dyke & Mary Tyler Moore, capri pants, basketball, "E.R.", Pine Valley, ancient Greece, whirligigs, pink flamingos, Tropicana, Chihuahuas, and any tulpas that might have been conjured up in the reading of this TOTM. Okay. That's all the apologies. I'm done. No more.
"Did I not make myself clear?"
Polly (sorry for the long delay between TOTMs; I hope it was worth it!)