Theatre of the Mind ~ Drive

1. In a slight departure from our normal TOTM format, I would like to recreate for you now my reaction to the start of this episode at the time of its original airing on November 15, 1998: Special news report? What the f*** is this? What the h*** are they showing this for? Where the f*** is the phone number for Channel 5? I can't f***ing believe this!!! Why do they think we care about some f***ing car chase in f***ing Nevada? I am so f***ing mad I'm going to hit someone! Oh shi*. . .

2. Oooh, they had me BIGTIME.

3. A nosebleed on the X-Files? No *wonder* you have a headache. Buh-bye.

4. How come they never use that chain thing on "Cops"?

5. Whoa! That is one *hell* of a bloody nose to splatter all over the window. Even for the X-Files.

6. "What the hell just happened?" That's what I said.

7. Why, it's Junior Brown. "My wife thinks you're dead." Did you know that Vince Gilligan is such a Junior Brown fan that he used his own money to fly Junior in from Oklahoma to film this segment? Vince understands what it means to be a fan.

8. TWC1: Holy Flaming Cow! What a way to get started! Shades!Mulder, leaning against the railing, looking very bored and swatting flies. The only negative is that dirty old screen door standing between him and me.

9. Although I guess this would be a good time to bid farewell to the beautiful Season 5/Movie Hair and Sideburns and officially proclaim Season 6 as the Year of the Flowbee Hair.

10. I think the events of the last few days, weeks, and months only go to show that it's a bad idea for the FBI to have its best people investigating enormous mounds of doo-doo.

11. Poor Mulder. Looks like he's bored in this assignment as well. Perhaps it's Free Spud Night at the Tuber Tavern.

12. When my local news tells me the footage may be graphic, I hardly ever get to see an exploding head.

13. MSRM: I find it really sweet that Scully says "we" a lot, as in "if *we* want to get back to where *we* want to be, *we* have to follow orders. *We* can't freelance." (Especially after that FowlOne Fiasco.)

14. But what woman could resist those waggling eyebrows? Certainly not the Queen of the Arching Eyebrow, Dr. Dana Scully.

15. Nosebleed alert! Let's get some kleenex in here, pronto!

16. TWC2: Woo-hoo! What do you think, Scully? I think he looks pretty damn terrific. Even with Flowbee Hair.

17. If Mulder says there's something odd about the guy going east and then turning around and going west, you'd better believe it. He's never been wrong. Not about driving, anyway.

18. Note to Scully: Next time, wear the goggles.

19. Mulder's not having much luck getting into ambulances lately. He's not having much luck following them either.

20. TWC3: Pop quiz: When did Mulder have time to roll up his shirtsleeves?

21. Somebody's got a nifty new cell phone.

22. When Scully ordered the guy out of the morgue, I had a "just pick up that phone and make it happen!" flashback.

23. Oh, Scully, you should have known that in the time it took you to get sprayed by Mrs. Crump's ear bomb, Mulder would have already had time to get himself in a pickle.

24. How come *Mulder* didn't get a new cell phone?

25. "Drive." Keanu say, "Whoa"?

26. Scully, if you wanted to give the police officer your phone number, there's more subtle ways to do it.

27. Boy Scully is *extremely* bossy at this point. I want, I want, I want, I want. It's all about you, Scully.

28. I guess *that's* why Mulder doesn't get a new phone. (Anyway, this will be a good test of Mulder's assertion in "Home" that he could live without one.)

29. There really isn't a lot of time to compose a sonnet, Mulder. How about a limerick: There once was a fellow named Crump, who into my rental did jump. He told me to drive, so I would stay alive. Does this guy think I'm some kind of chump?

30. TWC4: Yeah, baby! Use the footwear to put the pedal to the metal!

31. When Mulder was a little boy, I bet he pretended to be Speed Racer a lot. So in his honor: Here he comes, here comes Fox Mulder, he's a demon on wheels. He's a demon and he's gonna be chasing after someone. He jumps behind the wheel when someone's going mental, He's busy revving up the powerful Lariat rental. And when the odds are against him and there's dangerous work to do, You bet your life Fox Mulder's gonna see it through. Go Fox Mulder, go Fox Mulder, go Fox Mulder, go!

32. Who knew we would learn so much about Mulder's movie-going habits this season? He saw "Speed" but not "Men in Black." I guess when he goes to the movies, he wants to get away from the everyday reminders of aliens and abductions and stuff. That would explain "A Decade of Dirty Delinquents."

33. Kersh is calling. Grrrrr, I *hate* that guy! I think Scully does too.

34. "Sir, I am not currently in the state of Idaho." She is in the state of confusion.

35. Too bad Kersh didn't feel the same way about seeing Mulder alive in Season 8 as he did in Season 6.

36. Gosh, we haven't broached that "Is Mulder Jewish" question for quite a while now. As usual, Mulder can neither confirm nor deny.

37. That's *Mr.* Peanut Pickin' Bastard to you.

38. TWC5: Don't you love the little faces while he's taking those sharp corners? Go, Fox Mulder, go!

39. Motion and direction. I told you he was never wrong. Not driving, anyway.


41. The poor doggy. I'm having an "Old Yeller" flashback here. Can't we just lock him in the corn crib and see what happens? Guess not.

42. Look at it this way, Crump, what *else* are you gonna talk about. The weather?

43. "I'm sorry about your wife." Even members of the international Jewish conspiracy can have compassion.

44. Out of gas? Where's one of those unmarked tanker trucks when you need one. (At least on the plus side, Mulder's odometer is going backwards, meaning that gas lasted much longer than it should have!)

45. If Scully's bio-hazard suit was orange, she could be in "Evolution"!

46. I tawt a taw two dead pawakeets. I did, I did!!

47. Is this lady blind too? She couldn't see those big landing lights reflecting on her living room wall? (Okay, maybe she was asleep . . .)

48. It's the Vince Gilligan Holly sighting: "Holly's" gas station.

49. The gas tank is always on the wrong side. Don't you hate that?

50. What customer service. Makes you yearn for the days when you could trust your car to the man who wears the star, doesn't it?

51. Hey, he left his jacket in that car.

52. And a love note for Scully. Let me get out my trusty magnifying glass; at the very bottom it says, "... and if I don't make it, tell Agent Scully that I love her, that I always have, and I always will."

53. Good Mulder-like thinking there, Scully, that you might be looking for a sound. But removing your helmet? I'd say that's equivalent to sticking your fingers where they don't belong.

54. As a matter of fact, I think all of a sudden Scully has become Mulder. She's putting the pieces together, she's making the Mulder-like leaps, she's poking in people's ears without goggles. You go, girl.

55. Tee-hee-hee, it's just her cell phone. Guess she's not used to that new ring yet.

56. Mulder wrote all that while driving down the road at 80 miles an hour? That boy is good!

57. Hey, policeman, you didn't read the part where he said he loved her!!

58. Dead birds. Lots and lots of dead birds. (OT: Special note to Double A--you get my drift.)

59. This seems as good a time as any to give kudos to Bryan Cranston who does a fabulous job with the part of Patrick Crump, a man placed in a terrifying situation through no fault of his own. Cranston must certainly be an incredible actor, as the character of Crump is about as far away as you can get from the over-the-top dad he plays on "Malcolm in the Middle." (And if I hadn't recognized the name, I'm not sure I'd have known it was the same person.) He does an excellent job (and DD ain't no slouch, either).

60. "You'd better figure quick. We're runnin' out of west." I love that line.

61. As usual, the unspoken communication travels over great distances: Mulder has figured out the "what"; now Scully is figuring out the "why."

62. Scully's lying technique is improving, but she's got a long way to go.

63. Here come Ponch and Jon with a cell phone for Mulder! Hooray!! Withdrawal pains subside. Guess he can't live without it after all.

64. "Mulder, are you okay?" Said with such feeling. Awww.

65. I'm glad to hear he has to pee. He must have a bladder the size of a basketball. Crump too. Men.

66. GPM (for those who have forgotten already, that's the Good Phone Moment, in honor of Season 6): Wow, this is how I like them best. Each providing a piece of the puzzle, back and forth, getting excited while they talk it out, finishing each other's sentences. And a cute Squeamish!Mulder face to boot!

67. Time to go faster! Worry that lip! Give us some Michael Jordan tongue. Go, Fox Mulder, go!

68. I'm glad Scully doesn't have to put that big old needle in any part of Mulder.

69. Here comes Mulder with his Ponch & Jon CHiPs escort!

70. Mulder, where are you going? Stop the car! Let's save Crump and have a heartfelt reunion with Scully, complete with hugging, kissing, and lots and lots of comforting!!

71. Aww. I guess that's another chapter for the Mulder Guilt Scrapbook. (And I still sniffle every time I see that Crump didn't make it.)

72. Okay, his hands are in the right place, but what's he doing? Just looking out at the ocean? I defy anyone who hasn't gone to the bathroom in about 24 hours to stand next to the *ocean* and not practically explode (which would give a whole new twist to this episode). And what is he doing with his tie?

73. Mulder & Scully in Principal Kersh's office. He doesn't have a ruler in his hands, does he?

74. TWC6: Doin' the Kersh shuffle. So cute, staring down at that footwear.

75. Why is Kersh so bent on getting Mulder out of the FBI? Something smells here, and it ain't just what Mulder & Scully were investigating.

76. She does apologize for him a lot, but not when he's right. (And it's only cause she loves him.)

77. Scully has learned a thing or two from Mulder about jaw-clenching.

78. "Right." Translation: Sure, fine, whatever. "Big piles of manure." Translation: Eat shi*.

79. On the surface, some people might think this episode is just one big old "Speed" rip-off. But to me, the heart and soul of "Drive" is the very emotional and constantly changing relationship that develops between hostage and captor, Mulder and Crump. The two actors did a tremendous job of bringing out those emotions in each other at different times in their road trip: fear, anger, insolence, contempt, understanding, compassion, and finally respect. And the Mulder & Scully Teamwork is near perfection in this episode, rolling along like a well-tuned street machine. Mulder & Scully are hardly together at all on screen, but you'd almost never know it as it seems that they are hardly apart. A good thing to remember in these difficult days that lie ahead in season 8.

80. As always, Vince is da man; and every time I see "Drive" I'm reminded of just how good it is and just how underrated it is. You have a different take on it? "Well, *lay* it on me."

Apologies as . . . hey wait. "I'm not apologizing for this."