Theatre of the Mind ~ XF Season 6

Before we wrap up Season 6, it's important to review the events that lead up to it. Go ahead and sing. You know you want to.

Here's the story, of a doc named Scully
Who was in a hallway, then stung by a bee.
Taken off to be a host, on a spaceship
(The one she didn't see.)

Here's the story, of a man named Mulder,
Who was busy with problems of his own,
He was one man left to fight the future,
Yet he was all alone.

Till the one day when the lady and her fellow,
Beat the aliens and got out of that fix.
Now these two must get back on the X-Files,
That's the way this all leads up to Season Six ...
To Season Six, To Season Six,
That's the way this leads up to Season Six.

Season Six might very well be dubbed The *Season* of the Mind - the Season That Never Was - as so many of its episodes contained events that might have happened, could have happened, didn't happen, or happened over and over again. IMBO, the season was a little uneven, but it finished very strong; and it contains about six episodes that easily make my XF Personal Top Twenty on any given day. So without any further adieu, here is your Season Six TOTM Summary:

1. The Beginning - Bye, bye, Vancouver. Hello LA. Promises made in "Fight the Future" don't come to fruition. Mulder's "Men In Black" review: Didn't see it. Scully takes one giant step backward this thing will need to come up and bite her on the ass. Spender & Fowley take over what rightfully belongs to Moose & Squirrel. "It ain't RuPaul." Gibson returns so CSM can pick his brain, only to disappear again. Skinner out as XF boss; welcome to Alvin "The Chipmunk" Kersh. Big news: We might all be alien. Bigger news: What happened to the wonderful Season 5/Movie Hair?

2. Drive - "Special Report" had me bigtime. Exploding eardrums. Junior Brown and his fertilizer of renown. Speed Racer!Mulder. Scully gets to do autopsies and gets a new cell phone. Mulder gets cell phone withdrawal and gets to compose sonnets. On the road with a peanut pickin' bastard. Who knew peanut pickin' bastard would turn out to be Malcolm's dad? "We're runnin' out of west." I always wanted to pee in the Pacific Ocean and I just figured the time was right. Called into The Chipmunk's office. She only apologizes when he's wrong, which ain't often. "Big piles of manure."

3. Triangle - Homage to the Wiz and Hitch. Time travel or dream? You be the judge. The truth is somewhere out there ... over the rainbow. 1939? Oh shi... The gang's all here: CSM, Skinner, Spender, Kersh ... and Scully! Mulder can look good no matter how hideous the uniform! LGM and the real Scully to the rescue! "I don't care what you do or who you do or who you have to grease." Who thought Scully and Skinner would be the first ones to kiss? Fantastic score by Mark Snow. Now *there's* the kiss we wanted in the movie but we *would* like to be able to see it! Where are those Big Ass Flashlights? "I love you." Even though Scully said, "Oh, brother," Mulder learned there's no place like home.

4. Dreamland - I'm all a-tingle. Somebody wants to get out of the car. Area 51. Lots of body switching. It's an SNL reunion! Fletcher was supposed to be Shandling. Sometimes your head just gets stuck in a rock. The Fletchers get the Playboy Channel. "Who is Scully?" Chris and Terry. My work here is done. Have a nice day. "Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Johnny Cash." Mulder's still a big tipper. A penny and a dime for your thoughts. Only took Scully six years to want to check Mulder for mental illness. Fletcher has Mulder's body, but Scully has *become* Mulder. Bee pollen? It's a set up. "He's not me, Scully." To be continued ...

5. Dreamland II - Mulder as Spock; live long and prosper. Teena's maiden name was Kiupers. Mulder in leg irons (yum). Mulder & Scully finally have a date; one of them isn't who they are (and it ain't Special Tramp Dana Scully). Waterbeds + overhead mirrors = handcuffs. "Baby me and you'll be peeing through a catheter." The Little A'Le'Inn. The Lone Gunman - The Newsletter for Those Who Want to Stay Informed and Alive, Sneezy. Saying goodbye in the desert one of the sweetest scenes ever. "I'd kiss you if you weren't so damn ugly." Say it with sunflower seeds. "Take a picture; it'll last longer." Time snaps back; it happened, but it didn't. No one remembers, but an 11 cent piece and a mirrored waterbed remain; both get their moment in the limelight later on.

6. How the Ghosts Stole Christmas - Have a Haunted Christmas Eve! Story of a brooding young man and a sublime beauty in more ways than one. "I just gave myself chills." M&S outfits: what all the fashionable corpses are wearing! Narcissistic, overzealous, self-righteous egomaniac anybody we know? Lily and Ed. "Paramasurbatory?" Brick walls abound, as do stolen keys. Intimacy through codependency. "We're not lovers." So you say. Everybody shoots first, asks questions later. All in their heads again, didn't happen. Mulder & Scully exchange gifts it *did* happen (and quite beautifully, too). M&S are not alone. CC hasn't forgotten the meaning of Christmas he delivers an X-mas present to shippers everywhere.

7. Terms of Endearment - Hint: It's not the one with Shirley MacLaine. Poopydoo. The devil made him do it. Mulder's pretty handy with the scotch tape. Background-checkin' Scully gets Jerry Garcia. M&S and baby monitors. BucketSeatHead!Mulder (and he races too). "I'm not a psychologist." Huh? Trenchcoats, Big Ass and Little Ass Flashlights! (Who says this episode has no value?) I'm only happy when it rains. She just wanted her own little devil ... and the convertible.

8. The Rain King - Live! From Kroner, Kansas! It's Saturday Night! Mulder and the Missus. "We wanna see the king." WeatherChannelWatching!Mulder. Holy Flying Cow they gotta share a room! Head trauma check easy with Flowbee hair. Holman is THE weatherman. Fox Mulder: Advice to the Lovelorn. "I will talk to you later." The blind leading the blind. There's emotionally repressed people who should be together all over the place. Yes to gazing. M&S "Rock the Boat" at the reunion. The man knows how to kiss. The person who was just a friend is now the only person you can ever imagine yourself with. We want to see some switch flicking and we want to see it now! "You should try it sometime."

9. S. R. 819 - First you get your own episode; then you die. Boxing: The Manly Man's Sport. Pencil Tossing: The Thinking Man's Sport. "Just thought I'd poke my head in and say hey." Scully sure keeps up on her medicine ministering to her injury-prone men. That's some bruise. The Tunisia connection. Ew, that little vein in Mulder's temple seems trite by comparison. The return of Senator Matheson. The Palm Pilot of Death. "Don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful." Skinner regrets that he couldn't be all that he could be. Attack of the Nano-critters! You die and you're brought back to life what's so strange about that? Surprise! It's Krycek who's pushing Walter's buttons. Skinner waves goodbye to his gonads until Season 8.

10. Tithonus - Smile, you're on Cadaver Camera! The Chipmunk only calls half the team. Scully is the senior agent now, showing young whippersnappers the ropes. Mulder's afraid Scully will be leaving him to clean the toilet bowls alone; she says it's just a one-time thing. "Hi. My name is Fox Mulder. We used to sit next to each other at the FBI." Maybe apart, but he's still watching her back. Scully is adopting those wicked Mulder ways. Don't call her Red. "Scully ... and we're done with this conversation." Scully and Fellig form a strange bond. He finally finds death ... and keeps death from finding Scully. "You're a lucky man." Thumbsies and the fastest recovery on record. Perhaps Clyde Bruckman was right: she won't die after all.

11. Two Fathers - CSM as narrator for the episodes that are finally supposed to answer all the questions that the movie didn't. Cassandra is returned and wants Mulder (don't we all). Nothin' but net; ready to J.O.B. No background checkin' shoeshine tip. "I didn't hear the magic word." I can relate to peeing the floor when seeing Mulder. It wasn't Samantha in the diner. Old Smokey's got a name; Mulder's got game. Skinner's trying to be an ally. Jeffrey gets slapped around a lot before getting his own personal icepick and a driver Krycek, the all-purpose henchman. "I'll be my own great man." CSM and the Fowl One; the Spider and the Fly. Cassandra escapes and begs to be killed; she is the *one*, the *key* to everything in the X-Files. Yeah, yeah. We've heard that before. To be continued ...

12. One Son - Hurly-burly; that's scary. Diana in big rubbers that's scarier. Perhaps not a good time for their first shower together, but they did get a sneak peek. Yes, I think we know what she thinks of that woman. Marita returns looking a little worse for wear, but no more lispy bee husbandry. Scully has her own funky poaching outfit. "You're making this personal." The Watergate hasn't seen this much action since the Nixon administration. Seems that lots of men want to get in Diana's "drawers." CSM tells the tale of two fathers; Mulder still can't pull the trigger. Colonization is about to begin; save yourself, save her but which "her"? "The biggest bastard of all." Mulder is sitting in the dark kissing conspirators while Scully is still trying to save the world; ultimately, he figures out where he belongs. Train: 1; Scully's Car: 0. Luckily, M&S miss out on the Consortium Barbecue. Unluckily, CSM and the Fowl One leave early. Krycek is invited but has a prior engagement. Jeffrey turns good guy, turns the XF over to Moose & Squirrel, and gets a bullet through the heart for his trouble; only One Son remains. The two-parter answered some questions, but left us with more.

13. Agua Mala - Bad water; you can say that again. Arthur Dales returns; don't all the nuts roll down to Florida. It's a Plethora of Flashlights! Reggie the Wonder Cat. "I don't need my mettle tested." Like XF's of old: death in the bathroom. The resourceful Dr. Scully. "Someone's already got him by the nugs." Mulder sees a tracheotomy in his future. Scully can't help; she's gotta deliver the piss and vinegar. Is Mulder saved by Scully or Reggie? I think you know. Dales knows a savvy partner when he sees one. Watch this one with the closed captioning on.

14. Monday - Mulder dying? Scully cryiing? NOOOOOOOOOO! Monday, Monday, won't go away. Lots of feet and footwear. A leaking waterbed leads to Wet!Mulder. Woo-hoo! The XF office - but one thing's missing. True FBI work is boring meetings. Zip-a-dee-doo-dah. Mulder, don't be a hero! ShirtRipping!Scully! Steve? "I have to get my partner out of here." Boom! It starts all over again. Radio Shack product placement. More feet, more wet pj's. Fate, destiny, and when did you get a waterbed. Suppose they had never met? Deposit your paycheck must be love. Boom! It starts all over again. "Did you do a lot of drinking in college?" Don't tempt fate. He'll find a way to remember. Not the flicking switch I was hoping for. It starts all over again. Slow-Mo. Mulder figures it out. Tuesday dawns. Mulder is back to the couch, thinking about direct deposit. Another one that sorta happened and sorta didn't.

15. Arcadia - Evil lurks in planned communities. Rob & Laura Pee-tree, like the dish. Playing house at Skinner's suggestion. First catch back on the XF. "Did I not make myself clear?" It's not safe to mess around with the CC&R's. Poopyhead and Honeybunch. Mr. Gogolak says no hoops. Win & Cami and their killer Chihuahua. Third warning: toilet seat. Learning to squeeze the toothpaste, compulsive neatness, or lack thereof, and mud masks. "We're married now." "The thrill is gone." Holy Pink Flamingos! Bring it on. Good thing someone's watching out for them. A reflecting pool! (We love reflecting Mulder!) Big Mike back from the ER. It's the town tulpa! We saw the panic face. Case solved and M&S back to their "normal" lives. Don't you want to try this marriage thing just one more time?

16. Alpha - How much is that doggy in the big crate? The one with the red beady eyes? "Yo quiero Taco Bell." Feathering the nest. Dog gone. Someone's got the hots for Mulder ... oh, and that wolf lady does too. "Yeah, he doesn't listen and he chews on the furniture." Women can be tricksters too. There's a shape-shifting Beethoven joke in here somewhere. Protective!Scully says keep your "paws" off my G-man. Scully can sleep just about anywhere. Karin sets a trap so she can play dogcatcher. Mulder feels guilty (what a shock!) and cleans his nails with his letter opener. Though it should have been a gift from Scully, the "IWTB" poster finds its way back to the wall ... and all's right with the XF world.

17. Trevor - What we have here is a failure to communicate. Death by David Copperfield. "Dear Diary: Today my heart leapt when Agent Scully suggested spontaneous human combustion." A lot of decorating ideas, from Southern Living to Hubcaps Today. Dear Diary: Today my heart leapt when I saw Mulder in shades and shirtsleeves. The man without a face. A Lariat rental! June spent $90,000 on chintz curtains? "I want what's mine." He's looking for his son. Mulder gets a big box of rubbers (bullets, that is) but no riot gun for Scully. What's up with that? Scully needs to make a phone call ... badly! Oh, the phone booth *saves* them, and Pinker walks away (only to get splattered on the windshield). Everybody deserves a second chance ... especially Moose & Squirrel.

18. Milagro - A writer in love with Agent Scully, really a stretch for the 1013 writing staff. Take another little piece of my heart now, baby. It's customary to rinse and spit in your sink not in your coffee. Explore the phenomenon of Scully as sexual being. A Scully Ditch. Secret admirer is Mulder's neighbor. The Unbound Moment is born, and it didn't really happen (but it might have, if not for Jealous!Mulder Interruptus). Imagine that. The book is all about her and the naked pretzel. "I imagined it." Switching places. "Agent Scully is already in love." Scully seems to inspire men with incinerators. The fastest way to a girl's heart is not through her belly button. Scully breakdown and lots of Mulder comfort; the relationship is ready to move forward. In his final act, Padgett gives what he could not receive.

19. The Unnatural - In the Big Inning ... written and directed by Shipper David Duchovny. "I have seen the life on this planet ... and that's why I'm looking elsewhere." Nonfat tofutti rice dreamsicles, hurling cliches, and the Pythagorean Theory for Jocks; must be love. "You rebel." Everyone in the Dales Family is named Arthur. "I'm so ripe, I'm rotten." Pay more attention to the mystery of the heart. An alien who loves a game that is "useless but perfect." The Mighty Morphin' Alien Bounty Hunter doesn't agree. You got a bee on you! Exley didn't want to be no famous man, just a man who wanted to play for the love of the game, and he teaches us a thing or two about life, love, passion, humanity, and baseball. Happy Birthday from Fox Mantle. Footwear shot of the series; Holy Flaming Cow moment of the series! "I'm talkin' about the bat." Hips before hands. Mulder whispers sweet nothings and Scully giggles. This ep is a home run. "Shut up, Mulder. I'm playing baseball."

20. Three of a Kind - Something fishy is going on at the Def-Con Convention in Vegas; better call in the unusual suspects. Agent Mulder is too high profile (and unavailable); let's get Scully for some slicing and dicing. Poor Jimmy the Geek! Showcase for Scully Golightly. BEEEEEEEEEEP! Can't Susanne and John ever find happiness? Scully wants someone to light her fire and no Mulder to be found! Dungeons and Dragons. Langly needs to keep his stringy hair when you see the alternative. It's the XF version of The Sting. Scully finds out she's been had and she's gonna kick some serious ass. Will one of the LGM *ever* get the girl? Probably not and they'll grow old together ... back on the XF since their spin-off was cancelled.

21. Field Trip - The Mulder Magical Mystery Tour is waiting to take you away. Return of the slide show! Brown Mountain lights. A 98.9 percent success rate, rational explanations, and a perfunctory dance. Scully should never let him out of her sight. Don't go into the light! Mulder as abductee and abductor (and his bedroom has changed causing Scully to exclaim "Oh my God!" J/K). Scully starts to believe, so it *must* be a hallucination! Oh, no! He can't be dead! Everybody tells Scully she was finally right but now it feels completely wrong. A Mulder wake, and he's late for his own funeral. Only these two could have a joint hallucination. Under the influence of mushrooms. They figure it out together and save themselves. Not. Gotcha! Good thing for Skinner, who helps pull them from the primordial slime. The no-look hand-hold at the end is too sweet; they are joined mentally, spiritually, and now physically. Most of it didn't happen; but the important parts did.

22. Biogenesis - Dana Scully Explains It All. How did we get here? Through Genesis or Biogenesis? Flirting over panspermia. "I'm just a hired gun for the FBI." Wow when did that fine head of hair return? Something is affecting his beautiful mind; maybe it's the hair. He's accomplished a lot, but there is still one thing missing: "My sister." :::sniff::: Return of Chuck Burks and his twisted little alley. "Been there, debunked that." Scully with no latex? Say it ain't so. Some days you just feel like you've gotten your head (and the rest of you) stuck in a trash compactor. Skinner is spying for his old Palm Pilot buddy. Scully wants to get Mulder in bed, but he has other ideas. Scully is off to find Albert, and finds Dr. Sandoz with her bionic ear. Mulder has "friends" in all the wrong places, finally put to bed but by the wrong woman. CSM still pulling the strings. Looks like God might be the Big Alien, but some folks believe that is "science fiction." Mulder's in trouble; come quick! He's gone off the deep end after seeing The Fowl One without a shirt. DD starts his summer vacation early, with Mulder locked in the looney bin (and daughter West was born two days after he filmed his last scene). "You're both liars." Dr. Sandoz finds the key; and he's a goner courtesy of the One-Armed Bandit. Out of Africa, Scully finds a new wardrobe and something that she can't deny this time (and it doesn't even bite her on the ass). Perhaps it isn't science fiction after all. To be continued ...

Well, that wraps up Season 6 - the season of XF-lite. It provided us with some answers, but naturally raised just as many questions. It provided us with more laughs than gasps, bit it also headed the MSR in a new and positive direction. As the season ends, the beliefs championed by Mulder and Scully (aliens and God) are on a collision course, while the Dynamic Duo themselves are a world apart (but still as connected emotionally as if they were standing side by side). Will Scully find answers in Africa that will help her save her best friend's sanity and perhaps his life? Will Skinner be forced to betray his friends to spare his own life? And will Polly be able to complete the TOTMs before Season 9 begins? The answers to these and other nail-biting questions will be winging their way to you shortly as the Theatre of the Mind will be proud to present The X-Files Season 7: The Season of Lurve!!

Since I've already apologized for each of these episodes individually, I'll just issue one collective apology. Oh, and one to the Brady Bunch as well. As Jan might say, "Mulder, Mulder, Mulder."