Theatre of the Mind ~ En Ami

As I'm sure you all know, "En Ami" was written by none other than Cigarette Smoking Man, William B. Davis. He says he wrote this episode because he desired to share more screen time with Gillian Anderson; and since the 1013 writers would never comply, he took matters into his own hands. Davis says that he used Shakespeare's "Richard III" as the basis for his story, which makes sense, as Richard III was the consummate villain and proud of it. But while Davis' story tries to make us believe that CSM is a noble man who has seen the error of his ways in his "winter of discontent," offering to give Scully the secrets to save all mankind and redeem himself in the process, IMBO this episode is about something else entirely. It's all about CSM's efforts to get Dana Scully, the doctor with a weakness for powerful men, to fall in love with the most powerful of them all (well, at least in his opinion), just as Richard III charmed Lady Anne into becoming his wife. We all learned in "Musings of a Cigarette Smoking Man" that all CSM wanted to be was a writer. Well, I have learned that he *did* manage to get one other piece published; and personally, I think that this piece also helped form the basis for "En Ami." His published work was called, "Dating Tips of a Cigarette Smoking Man: A Guide to Finding Love in the New Millennium (Even for Math Geeks)." I’ll share some excerpts throughout this TOTM, and you can be the judge.

1. "En Ami" is French for "as a friend." But since I am hooked on phonics, sounds like "enemy" to me.

2. Pouring rain and mud. ::::sigh::: I'm having a Vancouver flashback.

3. "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me." New tagline for Season 9?

4. That's some kind of blazing inferno at 2:14 a.m. I'm surprised Jason isn't baked to a crisp.

5. Bright light, arms outstretched, window pane shadows form a cross on Jason's chest ... nah, not much imagery there.

6. For those who need proof that Mulder & Scully are sleeping together, I say here it is. Isn't Scully usually already at work at 7 a.m.? Here, she's just leaving her house at 8:53 a.m. I guess she must have overslept. Something must be keeping her up at night ... what is it? I think you know.

7. Love the Goochland Guardian's motto: "If It's News, It's News to Us."

8. TWC1: Any shot of Mulder that starts with a footwear close-up is good for me. And he still has that picture of Samantha on his desk. How sweet.

9. IMBO, Mulder's "good morning" translates to: "Hope I left enough hot water for you."

10. Roma Downey or Della Reese? Once again, John Dye gets no respect.

11. Great reaction by GA as her mildly bemused expression while questioning Jason changes completely when he points to where his cure was administered.

12. Yes, Mark Snow, he's the villain, we know. No need for the heavy-handed music.

13. Ewww. How'd you like to look up and see *that* sitting in your car!

14. CSM Dating Tip #1: When you’re interested in someone, it's important to dangle the right carrot in order to get them interested in you. For example, some people can be easily manipulated by appealing to their more selfish interests, i.e., claiming to have information about their missing sister. For others, you must appeal to their nobler side, i.e., perform a miracle or two and promise to share your wondrous secrets when the time is right.

15. CSM Dating Tip #2: Once you've peaked the person's interest, share some personal information, i.e., you only have a short time to live and thus have seen the error of your ways.

16. CSM Dating Tip #3: If the person seems not to be fooled by your advances, back off immediately. But leave your card. Don't worry; curiosity will always win out over common sense.

17. Mulder's still practicing for the Olympic Pencil Toss.

18. I would think the man with no name would also be a man with no number. Wrong again.

19. Scully knows that contacting CSM is a great risk; but the risk in not contacting him is even greater.

20. She's still a bad liar.

21. The Gray-Haired Man watching Scully is the same all-purpose henchman from the movie. He used to be known as Black-Haired Man, but he's been trying to make sense of the XF plots, just like the rest of us. That would turn anyone's hair gray.

22. Kudos to the set decorators who created just the kind of office that CSM should have ... dark wood, rich leathers, similar to the Consortium digs. And, of course, a well-placed ashtray adds just the right ambience!

23. CSM Dating Tip #4: If your intended is resistant to your invitations (for example, if you invite her to sit and she doesn't), remember that flattery will get you nowhere ... unless it's the right kind. Don't compliment her on her physical beauty; praise her outstanding qualities instead.

24. CSM's God-complex is working overtime in this one. So far, his attempts to be God have failed (his work in the Consortium and his attempt to wrest away the role of Savior from Mulder through the father/son brain transplant experiment). Now, because his brain surgery went awry and he's dying, this *might* be his last chance.

25. CSM Dating Tip #5: Get the other person out of their paradigm. Suggest a trip for just the two of you where you can get away from the distractions of everyday life.

26. CSM Dating Tip #6: If she balks at the idea of a trip, play your ace. Assure her that you are making this offer to benefit mankind at great personal risk. Works every time.

27. "I've destroyed a lot of things in my life including the people most precious to me." I’ll say.

28. TWC2: Woo-hoo! I feel the need to dribble! (I was talkin' about the basketball!)

29. Scully obviously hasn't learned much about ditching in her 7 years with the King of the Ditch. Don't use an alibi that he can easily check ... or maybe she did that on purpose.

30. Further proof that their relationship has moved to the next plateau: he's very worried about her family emergency.

31. At least I certainly *hope* that Moose & Squirrel are sleeping together, because I'd hate to think that we got a closer look at Scully's breasts than Mulder ever has ... well, when one of them hasn't been at the brink of death anyway.

32. I guess this can't technically be an Unbound Moment, since Scully has selected a white bra for her covert activities ... which in this case is a little silly since a black one would have hidden the microphone so much better. Her once chance to have a good reason to wear the black bra under a white shirt and she blows it.

33. CSM Dating Tip #7: Show how much you care by giving up a nasty vice.

34. CSM Dating Tip #8: When the moment is right, confess that you've always had a certain affection for the person you're trying to impress.

35. CSM Dating Tip #9: But if that person is repulsed by your confession, downplay your desires by confessing that you also have similar affections for others.

36. CSM Dating Tip #10: Remind the other person of a good thing you have done for them in the past, and of the things you'd like to do for them in the future.

37. What, Mulder has no key to Scully's place? Nah, he just forgot it when he left in a hurry – left it laying on the dresser, I'll bet.

38. Gosh, do you think Mulder's neighbors like having an FBI agent in their building? Somehow, I think they have a permanent section on their Tenant Associations meeting agendas devoted to Apt. #42.

39. Best Mulder line: "Do you know how many people have died in there?"

40. Ah, Mulder forgot his key so the landlord could give him the vital piece of information.

41. If I were Mulder, I'd be more concerned with the fact that CSM had obviously been a regular in Scully's apartment building.

42. CSM Dating Tip #11: If you must mention old flames, be sure to say something nice.

43. A wall around the heart, yes; but Mulder has been dismantling that wall brick by brick for the past 7 years.

44. "Fearless devotion to a man obsessed, and yet, a life alone ... You'd die for Mulder but you won't allow yourself to love him." That's a double dog dare if I ever heard one.

45. CSM Dating Tip #12: If the person you want to impress still has doubts about your sincerity (i.e., thinks of you as a cold-blooded killer or pop psychologist), make a heartfelt deathbed-type declaration and a show of faith.

46. Scully must be pooped. She can't spot a tail following that close behind?

47. CSM Dating Tip #13: Try to make your date feel at ease by introducing them to some of your old friends.

48. Ugh. Now I know what it is I hate about this episode: CSM saying my name. And I thought hearing Mulder say "Large Marge" was bad. Blech.

49. Scully's look off "She’s a very good friend of mine": priceless!

50. Both Marjorie and Jason had mighty big angel pinching scars. How'd Scully get off so lucky?

51. I think if you have to start planting flowers in old toilet bowls, that's a sure sign that it's time to stop planting flowers!

52. TWC3: Turtleneck. Leather jacket. Holy. Flaming. Cow.

53. Awww, he called her mother. That's more than she’s done since Season 5. That's lurve!

54. "I know she can take care of herself." That just warms my little shipper heart!

55. GPM: Mulder says it's not like Scully to lie to him, and that's exactly why she's avoiding him: because she can't lie to him. It's hard enough for her to lie to Skinner. (Love how Mulder keeps trying to grab the phone – too cute!)

56. As always, it's that communication ... unspoken. How can so much be communicated in two little words: "I'm fine"? It's so appropriate that their secret code words are all Mulder needs to hear to convince him that Scully is in big trouble. And you know right then that he will go to the ends of the earth (as he has before) to find her. And, as always, I'm astounded at DD's ability to convey so much in very subtle changes of expression. He takes you through every conceivable level of emotion from relief (that she's on the phone and is okay for the moment) to panic (when he hears the secret words) in less than 10 seconds. Simply amazing.

57. When we saw someone talk to Scully's breasts on the XF, we kinda always hoped it would be Mulder.

58. Awww, Scully just hasn't got the "ditch" in her, does she? Mulder's there with her every minute, right between her breasts. Just as it should be.

59. OT: Was it really only 18 months ago that stamps cost 33 cents?

60. Scully has such a tough time with deceit, she can't even make a smooth move to the mailbox.

61. CSM Dating Tip #14: Never try to take the driving responsibilities too soon. She'll think you're trying to be the big macho man. And always adjust the seat outside of her presence.

62. CSM Dating Tip #15: Always make a show of the fact that you are trying to change for her.

63. "Lifesaver?" Scully’s reaction is too funny!

64. Hey Gray-Haired/Black-Haired Man: Tampering with the U.S. mail is a federal offense!!

65. Do I think CSM put on the gloves to do anything except look sinister and set up a later scene? No. But brushing that lock of hair off her forehead? That’s just wrong!!!

66. It's the return of Mulder's Disappearing Peephole!

67. TWC4: Oh my! Gray tee and plaid pajama bottoms. Yum.

68. How pathetic is it that the masters of disguise are disguised as each other? I think they should have come as Mulder, Scully & Skinner. (Frohike is the only person short enough to play Scully effectively!)

69. Excuse me, since when does Mulder have a window in his dining room? I guess it comes and goes with the peephole.

70. Maybe Scully goes for those guys with dangerous sounding names ... Cobra ... Fox ...

71. MSRM: "She knows that I'd find her, no matter what." Nuff said.

72. CSM Dating Tip #16: Even if the opportunity presents itself, never take advantage. If the lady falls asleep, help her into her nice silk pajamas (do *not* remove her undergarments), tuck her in, and retire to your own bedroom. She'll respect you in the morning.

73. Yes, we *know* Scully can sleep anywhere. But I do find it hard to swallow that no matter how tired she was she wouldn't wake up while being transported into the house and dressed in her nighttime finery. But for the record, *no* I don’t think CSM did anything to her (or her chip) in her state of exhaustion. CSM was after more here than information, and violating Scully wouldn't have been the way to accomplish his ultimate goal.

74. CSM Dating Tip #17: On your first out-of-town trip together, rent an out-of-the-way cabin with all the amenities of home ... and then some.

75. "How do you take your coffee?" "Unadulterated, thank you." (I'm just waiting for the opportunity to use this line one day!)

76. He gives her the chance to go once again, but the risk of what she would be throwing away is still too great.

77. Mulder has made some memorable entrances in his day, but this is by far the oddest. "Sir, I need your *attention*”? What is up with that?

78. TWC5: Odd or not, hoo-boy!

79. Best non-Mulderism: “Don't get testy, G-man.”

80. CSM writing emails as Scully. I bet that's a dream come true for him.

81. Okay, Skinner will help. Gosh darn it all, he lurves her too, ya know!

82. CSM Dating Tip #18: If you buy your date something to wear, make sure it's pure class and make sure it's the right size. (But be sure to leave ample room for surveillance equipment.)

83. CSM Dating Tip #19: Assure her that you are looking forward to your date with great anticipation.

84. Don't despair. FWIW, I think Mulder *has* seen her in a little black dress ... and out of it, too.

85. As C.G.B. plies her with wine, I do sincerely hope that this date doesn't end up with Scully telling CSM about the 12th grade love of her life.

86. Scully has come a long way. She doesn't even blink when CSM tells her the cure for everything, the "holiest of grails" may be extraterrestrial.

87. CSM Dating Tip #20: Before making your big move, reassure your date that while your motives may seem selfish, you are far more interested in the greater good. Then mention how lonely you are and leave your date to think things over. When you return, you'll have her eating out of the palm of your hand!

88. When reminded what his *real* purpose is in this Love Shack Weekend, CSM gets a little touchy!

89. See, this is why you should always eat your dessert.

90. Scully is zooming around the lake yet her helmet hair doesn't even wave in the wind!

91. Hmmm ... now I'm really wondering exactly what kind of emails CSM was sending to Cobra disguised as Dr. Scully. These scientific types need to get out more.

92. Oops, that's what happens to the science guys when they get out of the lab. First Pendrell, now Cobra.

93. CSM Dating Tip #21: If it's really true love, never let your career get in the way. There will be other opportunities for advancement in the workplace, but only *one* Ms. or Mr. Right.

94. See, *that’s* why we saw CSM put the gloves on before. IMHO, the *only* reason.

95. We have the disk, Dana. Together, you and I could rule the world!!! Please stay with me! I just want to be loved, is that so wrong??? Well, that's what he's thinkin', anyway.

96. CSM Dating Tip #22: Sometimes, despite your best efforts, your affections may not be returned, and it becomes apparent that the heart of the one you love belongs to another. Don't try to hold on to something that wasn't meant to be. If you love something, set it free.

97. TWC6: Pouting!Sulking!Mulder! Lord have mercy.

98. Boy you could cut the tension in this room with a knife. Ditching isn’t so good when the footwear is on the other foot, is it?

99. A great variation on the standard Mulder/Scully dynamic as this time the evidence has eluded Dana Scully and she is incredulous, while Mulder stands by not quite believing that she risked her life in this pursuit, trusting their most untrustworthy adversary in the process. A great scene: Woo-freakin'-hoo!

100. And in the trip to the *former* offices of C.G.B., Scully can't believe she's been fooled so completely, while Mulder can because he’s been there before. The only part Mulder can't believe is that Scully is still alive ... but we all know why.

101. Though he's right 98.9 percent of the time, Mulder is off the mark this time. CSM's initial motivation might have been to get the disk and the science that would ensure his cure and his power over the human race; but in the end he was undone, just as Scully said, by the longing for something that he could never have.

102. So does CSM really throw the disk that could be his salvation into the water? Yes, I believe so. Why? Because eternal life and supreme power mean nothing without the right person by your side to share it with. I think in a way, CSM helped "create" the Dana Scully that he had such great affection for. In the beginning, he paired her with Fox Mulder so that she could be Mulder's downfall. Instead, she became Mulder's ally, staunchest supporter, and beloved constant/touchstone—and one more thing that Mulder possessed that CSM could not. CSM's story *does* parallel the play "Richard III" in many ways: the story of the consummate villain, the evil plots he hatches, his rise to power, and his fall. Something tells me CSM's days are numbered ...

103. So toss the Lifesavers in the lake along with the disk and light one up. It's back to nefarious business. (And I still hate the music; toss that in the lake for me as well!)

104. CSM Dating Tip #23: If you've followed all the guidelines in this book, and still didn't end up with a significant other in the widely understood meaning of that term, then desperate times call for desperate measures. Here’s the secret, the key to everything to get that special someone to fall in love with you: Teach them how to water-ski. It works every time.

Interestingly enough, an early version of the script for "En Ami" did include a scene where CSM taught Scully how to water-ski. To borrow a quote from my favorite Federal Agent, "What makes you think that I would want to see *that*??" I'm glad they wisely decided to snip that part out ... yes, it would have given us one more reason to check out Scully's cleavage, but she might have electrocuted herself in the process. Well, for those who were concerned that the last TOTM was kind of short (and you *know* who you are!), this monster should allay any fears that you might have had. You now how I like my TOTMs don't you? "Unadulterated, thank you." (I got tired of waiting for the coffee thing to come up.)

Okay, so now that that's done, I just have one question: "How the hell did I get out of my clothes and into bed?"

Apologies, as always,