Theatre of the Mind ~ XF Season 7

The X-Files Season 7 - The Season of Lurve! Which isn't so surprising really, considering that the whole season is just basically a thinly-veiled rehash of a Love Boat episode. Don't believe me? Come on now! Don't you see the similarities? Scul-lee/Jul-lee? Gopher/Fox? Bald Captain Steubing/Bald A.D. Skinner? Throw in CSM as DOC (cause he lurves that weird science) and A.D. Kersh as Isaac the wise-cracking bartender and there you have it! Love, exciting and new. Come aboard they're expecting you! Just coincidence, you say? Well, if coincidences are just coincidences, why do they feel so contrived? Love, life's sweetest reward. Let it flow, it floats back to you. I say it's a good thing that Scully inherited her father's legs ... sea legs, cause: Here Be Lurve! So set a course for adventure, your beautiful mind on a new romance - it's lurve, lurve lurve!

1. The Sixth Extinction - Scully's on African safari with a big machete; Mulder's on the psyche ward with a big problem. She lurves him for his beautiful mind; what happened to his beautiful hair? "Help me." Locusts and boiling seas: Real Old Testament stuff. Skinner starts season with balls intact. Faces from the past: Dr. Barnes, Kritschgau & The Fowl One. The ship is the new key to everything; is it the Word of God or a message from the Big Giant Head? "It is power." Mulder's got the beat! "Some truths are not for you." Fowley loves him? I think I'm gonna be sick. "He is not dying. He's more alive than he's ever been." Scully and Skinner want to believe. "Mulder, it's me." The key to everything is gone. To be continued ...

2. The Sixth Extinction II: Amor Fati - Lurve of Fate/Destiny. The Little Beach Boy. I'm your Cigarette Smoking Daddy. "The child is father to the man." More blasts from the past: Deep Throat, Albert Hosteen, Samantha, Ma Mulder, Krycek. "You can build it again. Just start again, okay?" Ewww, tell me when it's over! Scully gets a delivery from the Mystical Book of the Month Club. Skinner's balls have vanished without a trace. It's a new episode of Mulder Knows Best! Whew, it's just a dream! "Let's cut the crap, shall we?" CSM wants to be the hero. The Last Temptation of Fox Mulder "You were supposed to help me." Fox Mulder, Superstar, do you think you're what they say you are? "There are more worlds than the one you can hold in your hand." You see, Mulder, you really had a wonderful life. Don't you see what a mistake it would be to throw it all away? Krycek, you rat bastard! Awakened by a single tear. "You help me." Victory Cap. "You were my friend, and you told me the truth." Constants, touchstones, the longest forehead kiss in history, and back to the beach to begin again.

3. Hungry - Hold the pickles, hold the lettuce, but lack of M&S upsets us. Fast food restaurants have great Employee Assistance Programs. The evils of watching motivational tapes. Derwood's blackmail scheme doesn't bother me, but I'll never eat cole slaw again. Don't you hate it when your ear falls off like that? Lots of good entrees at Overeaters Anonymous meeting. Poor Sylvia. Rob has a good piece of ash. "I can't be something I'm not." A story from the monster's point of view = not so interesting. You can tell Mulder's in lurve cause he smiles so much. He's a Lucky Boy.

4. Millennium - The X-Files: Where other cancelled Chris Carter shows come to wrap things up. Ringing in Y2K with *great* cell phone service. "Go ahead, Scully, naysay me." Necromancy and The Millennium Group. Skinner has a picture of Scully's tattoo. Kinky. A meeting of the great single minds. Do you think Frank's spooky? "Nobody likes a math geek, Scully." The Undead are everywhere. Mulder makes a little salt go a long way. Frank and Scully to the rescue. Dick Clark - now there's an X-File. Frank and Jordan reunited. Happy New Year! Can you feel the lurve tonight? A real kiss on the lips! And "the world didn't end. It's the start of a new millennium ... and a new relationship.

5. Rush - Kids today! Well, kicks just keep gettin' harder to find. "Bear with us cause we're old and stupid." Lots of flirting - just like people in lurve do! "You must have been a betty back in the day." Chuck arrives to take us on a ride into the paranormal. That cafeteria food can be lethal! Speed kills and so do flashlights. Lots of "Matrix" special effects. They might be "slowpoking around" in some ways, but the flirting and the lurve is full speed ahead!

6. The Goldberg Variation - Mulder may not know plumbing, but he knows how to make a great entrance. "My ass broke the fall." An X-File where people get lucky? Bring it on! What's the attraction of flying back to D.C. before sunset, unless you're in lurve and have other plans? An incredible Mulder simulation! Wah-gaa!! "I like baseball too." Mulder is unlucky at cards and you know what that means. Cause and effect: Henry's luck eventually chain reacts to save Richie. Cause and effect: Two people paired together eventually chain reacts to two people falling for each other.

7. Orison - The return of Donnie Phaster, girly girl. Glory, Amen. 6:66 a.m. Don't look any further. The Reverend works in mysterious ways. "God is a spectator, Scully, he just reads the box scores." Scully is Starbuck *and* Scout. Donnie is looking for redheads. Reverend Orison isn't the chosen one. Scully fights for her life. "Who does your nails, girly girl?" Mulder has a bathroom! Why does Scully have all those candles? Mulder listened to God on the radio and comes to save the day, but Scully is the chosen one to rid the world of evil. Scully commits murder, but Mulder says she had no choice. Was she directed by God? Mulder will be there to lurve her no matter what.

8. The Amazing Maleeni - Do you believe in magic? Observe! Lots and lots of flirting - there is *definitely* magic in the air! Mozart and Salieri. An XF prophecy: "It's about originality. Style. And more than anything else, soul. Because that's what separates the great ones from the hacks." Pockets picked. "The plot thickens." Mistaken for Mr. and Mrs. - Others can see the "lurve." The Amazing Pinchbeck Brothers - no head/no legs. Misdirection. The great Muldeeni makes quarters and legs reappear! "Who raised you?" It's all a con - Abracadabra, man. Mulder, he wrote. I have a theory and I'll tell you how it goes: "The great ones always know when to leave the stage." Scully shows she still has a few tricks up her sleeve. Lots of time for lurve on a fun plane ride back to D.C.

9. Signs & Wonders - Snakes! Why did it have to be snakes? Mulder goes for the casual look. Snake handling. "I knew a couple of Catholic schoolgirls who were expert at it." That's a staple remover with teeth! Testing Scully's righteousness probably not a good idea. I've heard you meet quite a few snakes in jail. Jared's swimmers don't make the grade. Incestuous relations? Why, that snake in the grass! Is it a boy or a girl or a nest? Mulder shoots the wrong serpent. I had hoped for a different kind of action in Mulder's pants. Lots and lots of snakes. "This is his alone." I don't think so. Scully's had plenty of practice ripping that shirt open. "Proud and fancy free." Scully can't wait to get him home, kiss all the boo-boos, and share the lurve!

10. Sein Und Zeit - "Harsh Realm" lives. A child is missing; empathetic Mulder is on the case. Skinner sends Scully on a mission. Hi, Mom. Haven't heard from you since you turned me over to that Cigarette Smoking SOB. "No one shoots at Santa Clause." Kathy Lee Tencate has True Grit. Scully's worried he's personalizing again. Teena's sins go up in smoke. The Twinkie defense. Goodbye, Teena; we never really knew you at all. As always, he leans on Scully to help him find the truth. Old souls looking for new homes and Samantha's among them. My heart breaks every time I see him lay his head on that answering machine. :::sniff::: "Your mother killed herself, Mulder." Scully will stay with him and cry with him and hold him through the night. As much a declaration of lurve as anything: "Well, then you'd better book three." Seventy-four. Requesting time off - he's really shook. Mulder can't leap so Scully does it for him. The loss of his testicles seems to have hampered Skinner's running ability. A grisly discovery ... to be continued.

11. Closure - "I want to believe so badly in a truth beyond our own ..." Appropriate musical choice - Moby's "My Weakness," since Samantha has always been Mulder's. "I just want it to be over." Walk-ins. Harold finds a connection. That 80's Hair!! "Mulder deserves closure, just like anyone." Teena's full of cryptic messages, even in death. April Base. C.G.B.S. involved - what a shock. CSM looks a little under the weather. Time to remove the albatross. She was there ... with Jeffrey. Harold a fraud? Eenie meanie chili beanie, the spirits are about to speak. Postman and spin the bottle will have to wait. Samantha's diary. "I think I had a brother ..." He would only share this with the one he lurves. "Maybe they are souls, Scully." Mulder's dead parents visit more than they did when they were alive. Scully finds the answers, and takes on the final burden for the one she lurves. The moment of reunion is many things - sad, happy, bittersweet, the end of the road - and DD shows us all the emotions in just a few moments. "They're all in a better place. We both have to let go, Harold." Whether we like it or not, Mulder has found peace. He can now move on. "I'm fine. I'm free." Some of DD's best work ever.

12. X-Cops - Bad boys, bad boys. Mulder & Scully get their 15 minutes of fame, to Mulder's delight and Scully's chagrin. Werewolf? There is a full moon. "Can I see your badge again?" Awww, she lurves him and doesn't want him to look foolish ... well, sort of. Freddy Kreuger. The FBI has nothing to hide. Steve & Edy make Mulder laugh. Can you say "skanky ass" on TV? Fantasies of Scully in bubble-gum pink. Obligatory crack house raid. Attacked by your worst nightmare. "He won't make love to me." Let's just re-lax. Fill up that tank with gas, Scully, and why don't you get the oil changed while you're at it? "It's hard to have a fast-track career in law enforcement when everybody thinks you're nuts." It all comes down to mortal fear. Cowboy up! No proof of the paranormal for a national TV audience, but proof of the lurve? "It all depends on how they edit it together."

13. First Person Shooter - "I am Maitreya. This is my game." LGM checkin' their shorts for cake. "That ain't all she's packin'." I think Scully finds Mulder's boyish charms endearing, not annoying that's what happens when you're in lurve! The only difference between men and boys is the size of their toys. Jade Blue Afterglow. Xena, Warrior Princess - you'd never see that on the X-Files! "I am feeling the great need to blast the crap out of something." In that outfit, he can get his ya'-ya's out anytime. "Bring it on." How many women could be "a betty" and "dope" in the same season? Boyish charms not working on Maitreya. "No fair picking on a girl." Scully to the rescue and she's packin' heat (and if you think Mulder ain't seriously turned on, think again!). Imagine what he'll feel when he gets a load of Digital!Scully!! "That's entertainment!"

14. Theef - What's Dan Quayle been up to? "You always keep me guessing." Dr. Wieder doesn't believe in magic dirt, but what about Scully? "Stinky's good." How about a lurve potion while getting info on the goofer dust? A poppet - voodoo doll with Muppet qualities? "Poppin' corn!" Ouch! All done. Lynette's grave is empty; she has other accommodations. John Gilnitz on the scene. Note: Don't leave your badge unattended. Those are some powerful little Poppets! Pull the nails out, Mulder! Scully *is* open to extreme possibilities - "You do keep me guessing."

15. En Ami - Sticks and stones ... Touched by an angel or alien? Scar on the base of the neck hits too close to home. "You got your light, now get out." CSM knows just which buttons to push. Dying due to brain surgery - what a shame! He just wants to be respectable, is that so wrong? Scully & CSM's Excellent Adventure. Scully flashes and talks to her boobs a lot. I guess Mulder *misplaced* his key to Scully's apartment. "You'd die for Mulder but you won't allow yourself to love him." That's a double dog dare if I ever heard one. Women who are 118 should know better than to plant flowers in toilet bowls. "She says she's fine." "She's in trouble." Ewww! Take your hands off her! The LGM: Masters of disguise. "She knows that I'd find her no matter what." A meeting with Cobra - not more snakes! Nice dress; I hope Mulder has seen her in better. "I'm a lonely man, Dana." Mulder is so furious because he's a man in lurve. Maybe CSM really did want something he could never have.

16. Chimera - Martha Stewart on a budget. Lurve on a stakeout. Might be dealing with a Raven maniac! What a crazy caper. Martha's been doing a little composting ... literally. "I'm sorry, who is this?" More than skeleton keys in the community closet. Sheriff Phil *is* livin' large. "Not in the widely understood definition of that term." Putting the service back in "protect and serve." Scully catches the non-blonde, non-female, non-serial killer perp - a sheep in wolf's clothing - and gives Mulder the answer he needs. No man should be hurt by two beastwomen in one lifetime. These two really give good phone but he needs to get back to his non-traditional significant other.

17. all things - The episode that put the "tease" in "teaser." GA's first effort as writer and director. Scully dressing, nekkid Mulder in bed - now why would I jump to conclusions? "The Sky is Broken." Taking a bath more interesting than crop circles, but who can resist that booty shaking? Pay attention to those slow motion moments. Scully has a man in her past. Mulder shouldn't have time for pencil tossing - he's in lurve! Father figures who think she made bad choices. Saved by the blonde! "There is a greater intelligence in all things." He's been in Washington for 10 years and didn't tell her - that's creepy! Dr. Scully tries to save a life conventionally and unconventionally. "Everything happens for a reason." The mysterious blonde leads Scully through a music video. Daniel's been running away from the truth; she needs a man who's running to find it. Blonde = Fate = Mulder. Stonehenge Rocks. All the choices have led to this very moment ... and that says a lot, a lot, a lot. It's 61 hours later ... and he does gaze at Agent Scully. Scully has achieved "closure" too and they are free to lurve each other.

18. Brand X - Ewww! They don't mention those bugs in the Surgeon General's warning. Morley Tobacco and no CSM? No way! "Smoke 'em if you got 'em." Some pretty lethal second-hand smoke. E Pluribus. At least the beetles are not hung like club-tailed dragonflies. Blackmail for a black lung. One little cough and Scully Radar is activated bigtime. Only one who lurves you would stand by for Major Suckage. Sweet hand-holding after the Attack of the Dust Busters. Lungs filled with larvae. Lots and lots of larvae. Skinner's testicles make a guest appearance. Scully turns Mulder into a nicotine fiend. "They say the addiction is stronger than heroin," but he doesn't want to take after his Cigarette Smoking Daddy. Toodles.

19. Hollywood AD - The *real* X-Files movie! A Wayne Federman production! "Myopic." Skinman had some strange buds in college. "Sir, have I pissed you off in a way that's more than normal?" Micah Hoffman, Willie Mays, and Frank Serpico: Mulder's Holy Trinity. "One more pun and I pull out my gun." Twisted Sister Spooky and the Tale of the Lazarus Bowl. Chuck returns! Is being made a fool of a crime? "I'd be doing life if it were, sir." The corpses are usually dead during the autopsies. Touch me not, baby. Scullyvision! If Skinner is going to carry Marilyn Monroe's purse, perhaps he can keep his testicles in there. "I am become skeptical." "Plan 9 From Outer Space" 42 times. California, here we come. Gary and Tea. Big fan. Learn to run in those heels. "Mostly to the left." Watch out for the tofurkey eatin' zombies. A three-way bubble bath. In love with AD Skinner - that's the last straw. The dead are everywhere and they want to eat, drink, and make love. A Bureau credit card, the night is young and so are they they should eat, drink, and make love too. Exit hand-in-hand. Lurve ensues. And dancing. Don't forget dancing.

20. Fight Club - Steve and Arlene get their big chance. Doppelgangers. X-Files Charades. The game is afoot. "Don't think I'm gonna start doin' the autopsies." One Kathy Griffin isn't enough? "I guess that's why they put the 'I' in FBI." Mulder has a new best friend. Scully finds the last angry man. "What's so special about you?" No s*** Sherlock, it's about to hit the fan. You only hurt the ones you lurve. And you thought you saw major suckage in "Brand X"? Mulder said it best: "Oh, crap." Shalom Alechem.

21. Je Souhaite - I Dream of Mulder & Scully. Perky!Scully is definitely gettin' some. Schwing! Three wishes in the wrong hands. Invisibility is not all it's cracked up to be. "I think you missed a spot here. I can see straight through to his ass." Chronic morbid tumescence. Mulder hums! Scully wonders where she'll display her Nobel Prize. Leslie's wish is granted and Scully loses her prize (in more ways than one). "He unrolled me." "I get three wishes." Mulder learns about specificity. Boink! Scully's always right. Mulder's ready to enjoy life for what it is instead of worrying about what it isn't. Caddyshack, Shiner Bock, and unbuttered popcorn. Those are three pretty good wishes. "Well, I'm fairly happy. That's something." I'll say. Mulder's happy too. It's a night of true lurve. Done.

22. Requiem - Deja vu all over again. "We could start sharing rooms." The return of Krycek and Marita - the Moose & Squirrel antithesis! "I've seen things that I cannot deny." Bellefleur still the abduction capital of the world. Billy Miles unvegetated. CSM dying but finds new methods to smoke in disgusting ways. "Let's go waste some money." GARY! The faded orange "X" resurfaces (but thankfully not the hideous blue suitcase.) Teresa Nemman Hoese still can't act. As Scully babysits, Mulder realizes what both of them have lost. More deja vu: Scully comes to his room and ends up in his bed. He had me at the shoes. Did you ever think you'd see spooning? "There has to be an end, Scully." The ship is the answer to all things - that episode or in general? Scully is sucked in but spit out. They're having a testosterone rally in the basement office. It's the Last Supper in more ways than one. "I'm not going to risk losing you." "I won't let you go alone." Manly men snipe hunt. Scully figures it out - it's Mulder they want - but faints dead away. Everyone except Chris Carter and Frank Spotnitz think that Scully gave Mulder her cherished cross; turns out it's just a zipper she was fond of. You put your right hand in, you put your right hand out, you put your right hand in, and you shake it all about. *Here's* where everybody in Bellefleur is! We wondered what happened to you! Bye, bye, Mulder. We'll miss you. Please come back soon! Krycek sends CSM to hell but forgets to check for a pulse. Skinner apologizes for losing Scully's constant and touchstone and vows to get his balls back come hell or high water. Pregnant? How did that happen? Birds do it, bees do it, even educated M.D.'s do it. Mulder's gonna be a daddy. I can see it in her eyes. It's lurve, I tell you. And then I yelled, "SEASON 7 IS OVER!"

So that pretty much sums up Season 7 - the season that lurve prevailed, Scully conceived, and Mulder made the biggest ditch of all. What lies ahead for these two star-crossed lurvers? They had enough problems before and now they're in different galaxies. Will they be reunited? How was a seed planted in this barren field? Will Mulder ever see his child? Will Walter ever see his testicles? There a lot more answers to be found ... and now the truth is *really* out there.

With apologies to the whole Lurve Boat crew (and to Skinner's testicles), I'm ready to tackle Season 8. Did I hear somebody say, "Return to Fantasy Island?"