Theatre of the Mind ~ X-Cops

I guess if you've never seen the show "Cops," the beauty of this episode is lost on you. And if you don't watch "Cops," then you're missing one of life's guilty pleasures. That's what it is for Vince Gilligan who had been pitching a union of his two favorite shows for several years, but could never convince TPTB at 1013. Finally, since it looked like Season 7 would be the end of the X-Files, Chris Carter relented and gave Vince the green light to write this episode. The finished product manages to meld the slick production values of an XF episode with the "run and gun" style of "Cops"; the average number of edits in an X-Files episode is 800 to 1,200, and the total number of edits in the first cut of "X-Cops" was 45. But let me x-pand on that ...

1. I guess after faking us out with "Drive" in Season 6, FOX decided it was best to provide an x-planation; didn't want anyone changing the channel before they realized this was really the XF.

2. It's the "Cops" opening, complete with men and women in blue, various and sundry representatives of the criminal element and ... whoa! I see a tall, dark, and handsome man and a short, beautiful redhead who look mighty familiar.

3. It's that old devil moon, and there's a monster in the 'hood.

4. A monster kitty kat? This isn't a sequel to "Teso Dos Bichos," is it?

5. This yard has everything but the bathroom sink ... oh, there's one now!

6. Ouch! Somebody's going to have an x-cedrin headache tomorrow! 7. Sgt. Paula Duthrie is named for Vince's sixth grade teacher.

8. Yeah, right. Gangbangers.

9. It's the VG "Holly" reference - suspects on "Holly Street."

10. Looks like a couple of folks I know picked out something black and sexy and ... you know the rest.

11. TWC1: Bad boy, bad boy, whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when I say woo-hoo?

12. Smile! You're on Candid Camera!

13. Agent Scully's a little camera shy, but Dr. Scully can't resist the urge to check out the bite marks.

14. Could it have been a gangbanging werewolf?

15. "Can I see your badge again?" ROTFLMAO.

16. Scully is too funny leading Mulder away while visions of media-opportunity dance in his head.

17. Typical "Cops" touch to bleep all the x-pletives and blur out all the innocent bystanders.

18. Scully tries to convince Mulder that his theories are not-ready-for-prime-time.

19. Mulder is so used to Scully protecting his reputation, that it takes him a minute to realize that this time she wants to protect her own. Great reactions by DD as realization sets in. Love the little chuckle.

20. TWC2: Have I mentioned that the man looks postively x-quisite?

21. GPM: None between our heroes, but Scully's attempt at a little *privacy* rates a good phone moment in my book.

22. It's Jesus, it's the Last Supper. It's Jesus, it's the Last Supper. It's two, two, two paintings in one.

23. Just because you teach the Killer Kitties to eat on the table, it doesn't mean this isn't Teso Dos Bichos Redux.

24. I'm not sure what's scarier ... Freddie Kreuger or Ricky's hair.

25. Even with his perplexed look, Mrs. Guerrero knows who can "catch" the monster. That's sweet.

26. MSRM: Nice recovery by Scully from that earlier protecting-her-own reputation x-hibition. We knew she'd still be trying to show the lurve by protecting her man from looking foolish. And her efforts aren't lost on Mulder; that's why he lurves her!

27. TWC3: And he's looking quite x-cellent, if I may say so. That brown/black combo is nice!

28. The "Cops" camera crew has met their match in the petite redhead!

29. I bet secretly Scully likes playing that "doctor" card on national TV.

30. Now I *know* Moose & Squirrel have got somethin' goin' on. When have you *ever* known Scully to stick her fingers in anything sans latex?

31. Ewww. Well, I'm pretty sure Ricky wasn't x-sanguinated.

32. Love the fade out to the "X" logo with the red and blue police lights. Very nice.

33. When the moon hits your eye with your sweet partner guy ... that's amore.

34. TWC4: Squatting!Mulder gives me a nice view of the footwear and, um, other things. Quite x-ceptional!

35. Officer Wetzel's talk about giving 150 percent reminds me that this is the 150th episode of The X-Files.

36. *The* Steve & Eydie? This could be the start of something big. (Of course, for those of you who missed out on the heyday of great TV variety shows or have never been to Vegas, Steve & Edy are named for famous performing couple Steve Lawrence and Eydie Gorme.

37. I'm not sure who finds Steve & Edy more hilarious: Mulder or Duchovny.

38. I really think a tagline change was in order: The Skanky Ass is Out There.

39. Well, Steve and Edy, don't give up hope on your own show yet. Since The Lone Gunmen didn't work out, 1013 might get back with you ...

40. I don't think Scully is crazy about hair-coloring tips from red/green colorblind Mulder.

41. "At this point in the investigation I'm usually a little more secure in what it is we're actually investigating"??? Now that's a slight x-aggeration, don't you think?

42. You know Scully's uncomfortable when Mulder's crack about XF cases being hard to quantify on a scientific level only generates a "Oh yeah."

43. Chantara could use some running-in-high-heels pointers from the master. (BTW, Chantara is named for VG's literary agent, Ronda Gomez.

44. While Scully asks politely, Mulder and Diana Fowley obviously went to the same school of "Show me your hands" bossiness.

45. Agent Mulder understanding some Spanish? He's come a long way from "Nojo on the rojo."

46. OT: How'd you like to get your big break in show biz playing a bimbo on the XF and then find out you'll have a big blurry dot over your face the whole time?

47. An homage to my favorite part of "Cops": The crack house raid!

48. I'm beginning to see why Chuco wants to wring Chantara's neck.

49. Yeah, yeah, Scully donning kevlar is nice. Where's the shot of *Mulder* getting it on?

50. I think I've seen this crack house before ... maybe in Better Crack Houses & Gardens? And the candlelight gives it such a lovely ambience!

51. I'm sure glad they blurred out the lady's breasts instead of some of the other lovely sights to be found here. Wouldn't want us to be x-posed to that! (BTW, a real "Cops" editor was hired to do the trademark "blurring" in this episode.)

52. More running. Cops sure get a lot of x-ercise.

53. Poor Chantara. I knew that chicken neck twisting thing was gonna come back to haunt her.

54. Shine on, shine on helicopter moon ... (Pretty cool shot.)

55. TWC5: Hoo-boy, so good looking and x-tending every courtesy to the deputy to tell the truth. Oh, is *that* what he was x-tending?

56. Waspmen? Can you find that next to the mothmen who terrorized the woods of Northern Florida? No, the mothmen would be under the M's, waspmen would be under the W's.

57. Mulder's got it all figured out which leaves me wondering how this creature who appears as your worse nightmare might appear to him.

58. TWC6: Is that boyish x-uberance turning me on at all? You betcha! Holy Flaming Cow!

59. Leave it to Our Scully to put Narrating!Mulder in his place: "I'm sorry. Are you talking to me?"

60. Mulder has faced down liver eating mutants, human flukeworms, and killer kitty kats, but put him in the same room with two people who are speaking honestly about their feelings for one another, and he's at a loss for words. Re-lax and pay attention, Moose & Squirrel, you might learn somethin'.

61. I think Scully has an ulterior motive for wanting to do an autopsy on Chantara; she thinks she'll get away from the cameras. She's obviously unfamiliar with the FOX network.

62. Fill that car up with gas? Are you sure her little arms can reach the pump? I think the "big macho man" is letting his 15 minutes of fame go to his head.

63. Let me translate Scully's non-reaction to Mulder's order: Okay, I'm too much of a lady to embarrass you on national TV, but we *will* discuss that little crack later.

64. "The camera doesn't always tell the whole story." I'm beginning to think this should become the permanent tagline for the series, actually.

65. I find it sweet that Mulder's advice to Wetzel about living down a "crazy" reputation is to just do good work, especially since his law enforcement career has been off the fast track and in the pits for quite some time. That's what makes me love him.

66. Now that Scully is in *her* element, she seems to be showing off a bit, don't you think? (And does Scully's nervous autopsy assistant remind anyone else of Camryn Manheim?

67. I wasn't aware that "throttling" was a cause of death. You learn something new every day.

68. I guess at this late hour Scully couldn't find a lab coat that fits. Or maybe she's just going for these new tight-fitting jackets.

69. Agent Dana Scully, the FBI's New Poster Girl: "Because the FBI has nothing to hide."

70. Oooh, nosebleeds are never good news on the X-Files. Ranks right up there with going to the bathroom.

71. Sorry, Scully, they can't call 911. That was another show. And it wasn't on FOX.

72. There's a glow in my heart I never felt before; there's a girl at my side that I adore. There's a glow in my heart, I guess it's because, there's a moon out tonight. (Well, no one said you couldn't have a little romance while you're monster hunting.)

73. Scully wasn't afraid of being killed, but she was afraid of looking foolish on national TV. Maybe the monster did attack her after all.

74. Deputy Wetzel spends three hours with Mulder and already he's going into dangerous places without backup. The effect Mulder has on people is just astounding!

75. Okay, I think now we've crossed over to the X-Files Blair Witch Project.

76. Why did all the cops try to bust down the front door while only Moose & Squirrel went around back? I guess that's why they put the *I* in FBI.

77. I suppose since there's a full moon it was decided the Little Ass Flashlights would be good enough.

78. Scully's finally got the camera crew right where she wants them.

79. I guess Mulder x-erted himself too much while busting down Steve & Edy's door. Come on, hon. You're on national TV, so cowboy up!

80. So the sun comes up and in typical X-Files fashion, we've seen nothing. Just the invisible monster called fear. Certainly saves on the budget.

81. TWC7: I'm not quite sure how to x-plain SpreadEagle!Mulder except to say that perhaps DD was inspired by Let's Get Polly Fired Week on the Double D board. Nice package!

82. I think Scully is more disappointed than Mulder that they didn't get the proof he wanted on videotape. But it does prove once again how much she loves him, and now they can move along to other x-tracurricular activities. You think that's not proof positive of the lurve? "Well, hey, you know, it all depends on how they edit it together."

83. "X-Cops" was so successful that I wouldn't be surprised to see the 1013 gang try some of these "stunt" episodes in Season 9, given the fact that good "new" ideas might be few and far between. So will we be seeing "X-Files Most Wanted"? "Dark X-Files"? "24 X"? "That X-Files Show"? "Malcolm in the X-Files"? "X-Public"? "Ally McX"? "World's Wildest X-Files"? As long as it's not "Temptation X-Files," it's okay by me.

As soon as this one was over, the first thing I said was "This is gonna be a hard one to write up." And so it was. For some reason, perhaps x-tenuating circumstances, my heart wasn't in it. I apologize for the delay. But I'm reinvested now. Season 9 spoilers are not as good as I had hoped, but not as bad as I had feared. And I can live with that. So onward and upward to the end; it might be x-cruciating, but we'll make it.

With apologies to "Finian's Rainbow," Dean Martin, the Harvest Moon, the Capris, killer kitty kats, and crack houses everywhere.

"What's not to love?"

Polly (who will try to x-pedite the next one)