Theatre of the Mind ~ Nothing Important Happened Today II

Remember back in the day when you actually got excited about those X-Files cliffhangers? How you could hardly contain yourself for seven days in anticipation of the resolution of the fascinating story that started the week before? God, I miss those days. Okay, just for the record, let's review: Chloramine; Xena, Warrior Guest Star; the Suitcase Entourage; Johnny Bravo; Monica the Scamp, the Vamp, and a Bit of a Tramp; Brad Follmer and his merry men; MiniMulder and his squeaky mobile; Mulder and Walter's Balls are all gone ... just gone. And did I mention The Bad Hair? Ho hum. Now on with Nothing Important Happened Today Either.

1. Secure facility. We get it.

2. Footwear ... nope, not really the same.

3. Cool zoom-out.

4. There's a seamen joke in here somewhere, but I can't quite seem to find it.

5. After a full season with none whatsoever, the tagline change returns.

6. Previously on the X-Files ... hey, where's the Assman? I want to see the Assman!

7. Pretty early for this episode to be *tanking* already.

8. Voyage to the bottom of the sea.

9. Johnny Bravo dies almost as often as Mulder.

10. Monica's probably contemplating how to make an A.D. Sandwich.

11. Skinner as Dr. Evil. "Zip it!"

12. Conspiracies in the FBI? Say it ain't so!

13. Monica wants to be a cheerleader on the Johnny Bravo team.

14. Doggett wakes up from the most intense wet dream ever!

15. "You know what I am." The new "I think you know."

16. Mr. and Mrs. SuperSoldier.

17. Agent Doggett is happy to help people who don't drown him.

18. Ah, Baltimore ... I have a strange craving for root beer and liverwurst.

19. In the Navy, where you can sail the seven seas. In the navy - where you support conspiracies ...

20. MiniMulder!

21. TWC1: Nothing Important Happened Today Too: The Bad Hair Continues.

22. Walter, you went along with this immaculate deception? You're supposed to be the voice of reason! Did you lose your brains along with your balls? Why, why, why?

23. "My" baby again. Sure. Fine. Whatever.

24. Personally, I don't think Mulder would *want* to be brought back into this.

25. Super Soldiers never die ... and unfortunately they don't even fade away.

26. TWC2: I miss the Substitute Pizza Man who used to sit on that sofa.

27. No! Don't do it! Don't even suggest it. Don't drag the MiniMulder into this farce! Isn't it enough that his daddy is gonejustgone and his mommy has bad hair? The kid's got enough problems!

28. TWC3: You can *never* have too many outrageous conspiracy theories for my taste.

29. New Maryland motto: "Don't drink the water."

30. Our government wants to create a lean, mean, procreating machine!

31. Ah, Rrrrrrreplicants have Rrrrrrrridges!

32. Gives new meaning to the term *petty* officer.

33. Dr. Scully, Medicine Woman - have stethoscope, will travel.

34. "It's freaky, it's mindblowing." It's Agent Doggett on "That 70s Show."

35. Doubting!Monica.

36. Shannon is the newest "key to everything." A few more keys and we'll have a piano.

37. "You want to turf me now?" "Bureaucratic pimp job"? Johnny Bravo, you are groovy, bay-bee.

38. Suspended and paranoid does not a Fox Muldah make.

39. Snoqualmie Falls? Is that the Quonochautaug of the west coast?

40. Factoid: The City of Snoqualmie is located about 28 miles east of Seattle, Washington, in the foothills of the Cascade Mountains near the Snoqualmie River. Snoqualmie Falls is a natural landmark well known for its spectacular 270 foot cascade and is one of the most visited tourist sites in the State of Washington.

41. A Duke Blue Devil (how appropriate). Duke's Coach Mike Krzyzewski. Snoqualmie Falls ... is anyone else sensing a spelling conspiracy here?

42. If the Lone Gunmen are ever looking for a foursome, I think they've found their girl.

43. DMMM (Desperately Missing Mulder Moment): I've been missing Mulder since this episode began, but the desperation starts when I see the Lone Gunmen behind his desk and his basketball is there in the background. :::sniff:::

44. Shouldn't restoring internet service be a snap for three guys who can breach FBI security?

45. When the Captain decided to reach out and touch someone, he probably wasn't hoping for Frohike.

46. Knowle thinks he's the Six Million Dollar Man, but he hears like the Bionic Woman.

47. Does Brad just want John out of the picture so he can have his way with Monica? Tune in tomorrow for the continuing story of 'As the Sex Files Turns.'

48. Monica would be the one to figure out that Xena was doing a blow job on the whistle blowers.

49. I think the captain of the SS Clone Love Boat is about to walk the plank.

50. TWC4: They look like a Middle-Aged Mod Squad.

51. MMM: Step aside, ladies, Johnny Bravo is preparing to use force!

52. He should have been more prepared; he's getting the snot beat out of him.

53. It just doesn't pay to have a good head on your shoulders.

54. Ichabod Rohrer just poked a hole in the "Shannon is the Key to Everything" theory.

55. The couple that slays together, stays together. I feel like singing a chorus of "Under the Sea."

56. TWC5: Shouldn't this be a job for the Big Ass Flashlights?

57. It's gonna blow!

58. Damn, the evidence is never in alphabetical order when you're in a hurry!

59. All ashore that's going ashore!

60. TWC6: When they're running, they look even *more* like The Middle-Aged Mod Squad.

61. You sunk my inseminating battleship!

62. In this situation, WWMS (What Would Mulder Say): "How many times have we been here before? Right here. So close to the truth and now with what we've seen and what we know, to be right back at the beginning with nothing." Not another acronym! This is not happening!

63. TWC7: We used to get to figure out the meaning of the episode title on our own. I forgot ... TPTB think the audience is dumber this year.

64. Factoid: As Kersh explains, "Nothing important happened today" was an entry made by King George III of England in his diary on July 4, 1776 - the date that America declared independence.

65. Kersh takes over the Krycek maybe-he's-good/maybe-he-isn't role.

66. Do I believe that Mulder would do anything for Scully? Yes. Do I believe that he would skip town to protect Scully? Yes. To protect William? Yes. Heck, even to protect Skinner? Yes. But leave his constant/touchstone and bouncing baby boy on Kersh's say-so just to save his own neck? To quote Agent Reyes (and it might be the only time I ever do): "No frickin' way."

67. Just as a reminder, I mentioned last time that I was taking it upon myself in these little essays this year to tell you the truth about Season 9 and Where It Went Wrong (WIWW). I mentioned last time the *overall* reason for the bad season (the hair!!), but from time to time I'll be pointing out other probable causes (IMHO) for the season taking a nosedive. Like now, for example. WIWW1 - The explanation of why Mulder left. Surely there were a thousand different scenarios that would have explained Mulder's absence in Season 9, and almost any of them would have been preferable to the one chosen by TPTB. To say Mulder left to protect Scully or William would have been a stretch, because our Mulder would have known that his absence would never have guaranteed their safety, but it still would have been preferable to the cowardly scenario chosen. Mulder could have been an oft-discussed but never seen character - a stay-at-home dad, a college professor, always in the park with William, or always in the bathroom for that matter. We could have had a full season of Scully having one-way cell phone conversations that started with the words, "Mulder, it's me." I know that scenario wouldn't have pleased everyone either, but it would have been the one I would have chosen. Having Mulder leave to save himself, even at Scully's insistence, was character assassination of the cruelest kind.

68. That was the shortest suspension on record.

69. Now boys, play nice.

70. With friends like Follmer, the X-Files doesn't need enemies.

71. Scully seems to be having her own wet dreams. Or not.

72. Snoozing on the couch to feel closer to Mulder or because sleeping single in a double bed don't quite cut it?

73. TWC8: MiniMulder is a cutie pie, just like the old man.

74. WIWW2: The SuperWilliam storyline. To me, William represented the completion of Fox Mulder's quest. Never able to restore the family that was lost to him, he was able to find peace and contentment in creating a new one. Making any type of innuendo (even if it was intended as just another red herring) that William was not the natural child of Mulder and Scully after they had pretty much told us he *was* was a huge miscalculation. And suggesting a SuperWilliam with magical, mystical, freaky, mind-blowing powers (oy - now I'm quoting Johnny Bravo!) was the biggest mistake in a long line. William could have been *so* much more effective as a different kind of miracle baby - not the result of weird science experiments and ova tampering, but the result of two people whose love for each other overcame all obstacles and resulted in a miracle gift from God. A baby normal in every way - except perhaps naturally immune to the coming apocalypse because of the DNA mixture provided by his immune parents. *More human than human.* The answer was out there all along, but apparently TPTB didn't know where to look. They forgot they wrote the words for alien Jeremiah Smith to speak in "Talitha Cumi": "You can't kill their love, which is what makes them who they are, makes them better than us, better than you." The whole "God vs. aliens" theme was prevalent through the first eight seasons of the X-Files. Why was it abandoned at the moment when it should have been building to a crescendo? How much more effective would have been the message that it doesn't take a Superbaby who can move mobiles with his mind to defeat the aliens. All you need is love. Love conquers all. Even an alien invasion. Sorry Chris and Company; in my estimation, you really missed the boat with this one.

75. Fade out. Reminding me that a little can of WD-40 could have saved the whole season.

Epilogue: This episode was dedicated to the memory of Chad Keller, who was killed on September 11th. Chad was a friend of Chris Carter and his wife. He was a rocket scientist and an avid surfer.

Sorry for the delay in getting this one finished, but "there's a lot of crap to cut through," you know? Plus, it's very hard to concentrate when you're worried about whether it's worse to find chloramine or Super Soldier residue in your tap water. I think I'll stick to bottled from now on. And I'm keeping an eye on my dog to make sure nothing starts spinning unnaturally. He *does* sit and look up at the ceiling sometimes. I wonder why he does that? Do you think I'm being overly suspicious? Well, "Paranoia must go with the job."

But do you think this little respite will derail me from my mission? Do you think I can be deterred in my effort to chronicle this debacle that was Season 9 from beginning to end? Even with other factors duly noted, do you think I will ever refrain from trying to place the full blame for Season 9 where it really lies - with Scully's Bad Hair?

"Try and stop me."

Apologies as always,