Theatre of the Mind ~ Provenance

1. Provenance - Place of origin; derivation.

2. The "previously on the X-Files" memory refresher that preceded the episode when it originally aired on FOX doesn't appear on the DVD. Apparently even Chris and Frank have given up caring whether this makes sense or not.

3. The last person this anxious to get out of Canada was David Duchovny.

4. Like Mulder, old plot lines never die; they're just resurrected.

5. TWC1: Absence does not make the heart grow fonder for the new credits or Scully's hair.

6. Kersh's Assistant dallied with a man in Fox clothing; shouldn't she get a name by now?

7. A league of extraordinarily uninteresting gentlemen.

8. TWC2: Speaking of bad hair, what is up with Follmer's? Brad must want to challenge Scully for the title of "Worst Hair of Season 9"!

9. *Is there any way I can examine this bag of spaceship rubbings quickly without betraying my cool exterior?*

10. Stonewalling! Scully raises nary an eyebrow.

11. This game of cat and mouse has all the spine-tingling excitement of a motorbike chase from Canada to North Dakota.

12. Best Mulderism disguised as a Scullyism: "If this is an X-File, why don't you ask somebody who's working on the X-Files?"

13. A nice trip to the basement.

14. DMMM (Desperately Missing Mulder Moment): He left his basketball. :::sniff:::

15. "Brad Follmer?" Are there so many A.D. Follmer's in the Hoover Building that it requires clarification?

16. "A spacecraft, Agent Doggett, if you can wrap your brain around that." Mee-owww!!

17. Was anyone else just a bit relieved that Doggett didn't start hearing voices when he saw the rubbing?

18. North Dakota is a long way to go for a pissing contest.

19. To paraphrase a Season 1 gag reel: "He's done!"

20. Factoid: The Crispy Cyclist is Neal McDonough; Buck in "Band of Brothers," the assistant D.A. in "Boomtown," and the star of the short-lived X-File-ish "Medical Investigation." Extra Credit Factoid: He also played one of the ballplayers in Disney's remake of "Angels in the Outfield," where two of his teammates were played by then unknowns Matthew McConaughey and Adrien Brody.

21. Note to Crispy: Next time, you might want to whip out the healing artifact just a little bit sooner.

22. TWC3: Isn't it nice that Dana finally has a gal pal? I can only hope that eventually they'll do each other's hair.

23. Scully provides the Cliff Notes version of "The Sixth Extinction," neglecting to mention her machete and push-up bra.

24. The girls are talking soooooo slooooowly in such hushed tones that I'm certain any second Monica will blurt out, "You look amazingly beautiful, Dana."

25. Love just isn't in the air tonight: Johnny and Walter have a spat.

26. Running off to North Dakota without a 302 and breaking into Skinner's office -- how Mulderish!

27. It's a spaceship. Can you dig it? Up?

28. TWC4: Monica has quite an affinity for lingerie. Pretty soon she'll be answering the door in a diaphanous ted-dee.

29. Crispy Cyclist is deep fried and deep undercover.

30. Monica has conveniently worked with everyone in the FBI. It's a small Bureau after all.

31. Rubbings on loan from the collection of Walter Skinner.

32. Who do we know who lives in Georgetown?

33. Ma Scully's rethinking her offer to baby-sit anytime day or night.

34. Good luck getting answers. We've been trying to do the same for nine years.

35. It's not God she has to thank for William, it's Chris Carter. Well, six of one ...

36. Never an old Navajo World War II Code Talker around when you need one.

37. If Monica is going to stay on this show, she needs to learn to lock her door.

38. TWC5: The long leather coat is to die for, but trotting out the push-up bra for old time's sake is a fashion faux pas.

39. Apparently not all the nuts roll down to Florida; some roll up to Canada.

40. The first spaceship covered Religion and Science; perhaps the second one covers Sports and Entertainment.

41. Maggie! Keep strolling! Don't go in there!

42. When is a door not a door? When it's a-jar (always bad news on XF).

43. William seems to have moved out of the living room and into a nursery. In retrospect, sleeping in the living room with total strangers was a lot safer.

44. Your Mom should always know where you keep your extra gun.

45. I think we found our smoking pillow.

46. Screaming, gunshots -- just another average day for the residents of Agent Scully's Neighborhood.

47. Monica "I Was a Babysitter for the FBI" Reyes.

48. TWC6: I've given up hoping that I'll ever hear the right man moaning in Scully's apartment.

49. Nine years of abductions, experimentation, missing time, missing partners, stolen ova, mysterious pregnancies, dead sisters, and dead Pomeranians finally take their toll: Scully goes off the deep end.

50. But then, sometimes the only sane response to an insane world is insanity.

51. William must die? Why? He has his Daddy's knack for winning friends and influencing people? Seriously, since it's already been announced that the show is ending, isn't it time to concentrate on answering questions and tying up loose ends rather than asking new questions and tying the fans up in knots? Oh, that's right. This is the X-Files. Forgive me. Like Scully, I lost my mind for a moment.

52. Crazy people can be very persuasive, but not this time. Doggett ignores Psychotic!Scully and calls for help.

53. See #21. I told you so.

54. FBI Agent Shooting in Washington Makes Headlines in Calgary! Slow news day in Canada!

55. Overcoat Woman. They sure don't name X-Files characters like they used to.

56. These Grumpy Old Men are looking more and more like the New Consortium.

57. Come on! It would take more than unsubstantiated reports of Mulder's demise to break Scully. The man's been dead six or seven times already!

58. Kind of silly to try and float the idea that Mulder is dead when it's already been announced that Duchovny/Mulder will return for the series finale. Resurrecting Mulder once was a stretch; twice would be beyond the realm of extreme possibilities.

59. Supportive!Monica returns, William gets slobbery kisses he tries to avoid, and Ma Scully has apparently remembered a previous engagement.

60. Never keep your artifact and your vibrator in the same drawer.

61. Hey! It took Mulder hours to put that crib together!

62. For his next trick, The Magnificent Miniature Muldini will make the silly SuperSoldier subplot disappear.

63. Just call him Spooky Junior.

64. Perhaps the artifact is attracted to William's "magnetic" personality. He is his Daddy's son, after all.

65. Doggett has trouble wrapping his brain around the idea of a second spacecraft too.

66. TWC7: Awww, William remembered to bring his mittens!

67. Monica might get her own spin-off: "The Nanny."

68. MMM: Only a Manly Man would play chicken with a speeding SUV.

69. Speeding SUV: 1. Manly Man: 0.

70. Three Gunmen and a Baby.

71. Given her past performance, Scully hardly seems qualified to lecture the Guys on proper parenting skills. Lucky for William, the Boys think of everything.

72. You could have avoided this tearful goodbye, Scully, had you packed one of Mulder's 400 suitcases for yourself and high-tailed it out of there with him when you had the chance, Spooky Junior in tow. Yes, I know it wasn't really your fault, that you had a contract, and it was TPTB that are to blame, yada, yada, yada. But I expect more of you. Mulder expects more. And it's just one more example of Where It Went Wrong (WIWW) in Season 9.

73. "Whatever you do, don't worry." The kiss of death.

74. Screaming and gunshots from Scully's apartment don't warrant a 911 call, but a hit and run brings out the entire D.C. Police force.

75. Skinner is taking this strong/silent type thing a bit too far. Perhaps being in the credits has gone to his head. The least he could have done is jumped in the car with Scully when she started babbling about her baby being in danger (especially if he ever wants William to call him "Uncle Walter").

76. The Gunmen's babysitting kung-fu leaves something to be desired.

77. Let's see. We've got Flattened!Manly Man, Concerned!Monica, Stonefaced! Skinner, Hijacked!Gunmen, Deranged!Scully, Imperiled!Mini-Mulder ... yep, that seems like a good place to stop. Thus ends Kill Will Volume I.

78. More mayhem to ensue in Kill Will Volume II, also known as "Providence." To be continued ...

To those of you who have had faith that I'll get all the TOTMs done eventually, I urge you to remember that maybe true faith is really a form of insanity. When will the next one be finished? When will I get them all done? When will this seemingly never-ending saga finally be over?

"Those are questions I can't answer."

Thanks for hanging in there. With apologies, as always,