Crossroads
by Mary Hugh

E-mail: maryhugh@live.com
Rating: PG for a bit of cussing
Classification: S/R - Story/Romance (MSR)
Spoilers: YES, for X-Files: I Want To Believe.
Speculation about what is being said in the famous kissing scene.
References to possible plot spoilers from throughout the film
Keywords: MSR, angst, movie tie-in
Disclaimer: Just speculating. I do not own anything.

Summary: What might be taking place in the X Files:IWTB
kissing scene outside the unremarkable house. It is based on the
Flynet video. Skip this for now if you do not want to have any
idea what goes on in that scene before seeing the movie.
________________________________________


"Scully." He had hurried to the door she had just closed firmly as
she left, but now, on the steps, he reined himself in enough to
take them with a casual evenness. He would not rush at her like
he had in the hallway of his old apartment that time he'd poured
out his heart just before that damn bee emerged from hiding and
stung her. Now, she was on the verge of getting behind the wheel
and driving away. Her body was angled toward the car, only her
face directed at him and watching him rather warily as he
approached. He came to a stop just over an arm's length away.
She said nothing, just waited to hear whatever was to come out
of his mouth. 

And what would that be exactly? Inside, when she had quietly
come into his office to say she was going now, he had just
woodenly replied, "Okay." He had nervously gotten out of his
chair and stood to the left of his desk, clearing his throat and
perhaps hoping height would give him some nebulous advantage.
Then he'd followed up that brilliant comment with, "Are you sure
you want to do this? The case is over. We're both in once piece --
just like we always were in the old days when hunting monsters
was what we did. Isn't that enough? Can't we just put this behind
us?" 

She had looked at the floor, then up at him. Her pinched, unsure
expression had hardened a trifle and her tired eyes had managed
to look both defeated and rueful. She'd shaken her head
and turned. Next thing he knew she had grabbed her briefcase off
the living room end table and marched out the door.

His powers of persuasion needed to improve infinitely here in the
driveway. How about this: "Scully, Father Joe told me how
you believed in his psychic powers when you needed his help to
find me. You believed -- more than he did that he could do it.
You believed he could tell you where I was." 

She licked her lips and ducked her head momentarily, probably
feeling like a mouse in a trap. "I had no choice. He was the only
hope I had." She shook her head again, wisps of her hair shining
in the pale sun. "But there is no proof his visions come from God
or any supernatural origin. He has brain seizures and visions can
be initiated by those." 

"You don't want to believe, right? You think if you do you'll have
to admit from a rational perspective that my chases after
monsters and UFOs have purpose." Somehow this just
wasn't going right.

"I'm just over living life as if it were an endless X-File, Mulder. I
--"

"You're scared shitless that I'll kill myself on one of my crazy
hunts. You're terrified that one of these days our luck, our
ability to save each other, will run out and you can't stand the
thought of it. You would rather walk away and hope the pain
would be less if I died pursuing the truth without you as witness."

The air seemed to breathe for both of them. They seemed frozen
for a moment. Scully didn't need to speak. And he didn't want her
to yet. "I know exactly how you feel, Scully. Exactly." He shifted
his weight but held her eyes relentlessly. "We spent so many
years putting our lives on the line. It took its toll. The difference
is that there is a part of me that is driven by the need to do
this. You're not made the same way." He paused and searched her
for some nonverbal message.

Instead, she answered so quietly he almost didn't hear her, "What
is the point of rehashing this, Mulder? Yes, we're poles apart on
this. You knew I didn't want you to continue with this horrifying
case, but you did it anyway. And you were nearly killed!
My God, when I saw you lying there I felt like a sledge hammer
had hit me." Her eyes looked haunted. "I think....I think a person
only has so many reserves to put out for the tragedies of life. I
think, Mulder, I've got no reserves left." 

He leaned forward enough to be able to gather her slight figure
into his arms and hold her to him. He wanted to console her, to
show her with an embrace what he could not seem to find words
to express. She let him, but she did not hug him back. Her
passivity made his heart sink.

When he sensed that she was about to pull away, he let his
bandaged right hand fall away but brought his left hand up to her
delicate jaw line. That brought her eyes up again to his. But
neither of them said anything. He could see unshed tears in her
eyes and he couldn't stop himself from leaning down
and touching foreheads with her. Then after a moment, he kissed
her lips, gently and undemandingly. Sort of like their
Millennium kiss, except here in the cool air their lips were more
chilly, he thought. As they broke apart, he mumbled, "The world
did end, Scully. For me, the world always ends with you.
I always wanted to take back what I said at midnight, 2000." He
cracked a slight smile, a little self-consciously. 

She also let a sad ghost of a smile play for a moment. His hand
still held her face but as she turned back to the car door, he
slowly let it drop down through her long reddish strands, playing
with them a bit before dropping away. Again he almost missed
what she said, "Maybe we've been kidding ourselves. Playing
house. Hiding. Maybe it just isn't meant to be after all. Maybe
we're not meant to be." Scully pressed her lips together, almost as
if she was -- perhaps unconsciously -- wiping away their kiss.

His face stopped trying to carry a light expression and settled for
grim and hopeless. She looked the same.

What was he going to do? This wasn't the way their
long-practiced relationship was supposed to work. He was
supposed to charge ahead with his crazy crusades! He was
supposed to go to the limit. Giving up wasn't supposed to be part
of his vocabulary. She'd even said earlier that his tenacity had
made her fall in love with him. He knew she hadn't meant
that was the only trait of his that had attracted her, but she'd said
it because she really had always admired his unstoppable ability
to keep going. After all, if he hadn't possessed that singular drive,
she would never have been rescued from Antarctica. Hell, she
was supposed to bitch about what he did and even threaten to
leave, but she wasn't supposed to actually go. She was supposed
to acquiesce and accept him for who he was. She was supposed
to stick with him through it all. If Scully wasn't loyal beyond all
expectations, then what was she? Wasn't that one of her
defining characteristics just as his tenacity was one of his? 

This was getting him nowhere. She was about to climb into the
driver's seat and leave him for good. Think, he ordered himself
fiercely. But instead of thinking, he bought himself time
by embracing her again. Scully didn't resist. But again, she did
not reciprocate. He whispered into her ear, "Father Joe told me
something else. He said I hoped I knew how lucky -- no, I guess
he said 'blessed' -- I was to have you for a life's partner. He said a
man who was as loved by a woman as I was by you had heaven
on earth." He heard a choked sob from her. "I told him I thought
was the luckiest man on earth to have had you by my side all
these years. He said, 'So, you're not going to let  her go then, are
you?' " 

For quite a spell neither spoke or moved. Then he tipped her head
up so he could meet her eyes again. A tear made its way down
her cheek. It had a mate on his unshaven and bruised face.
"When I was in the mountains at one point, I found myself alone
in a snowy vista. No lights except the celestial ones and of course
they were so much brighter than they are in the city or even here
above this isolated property. It was magnificent, Scully. very time
I breathed I felt as though the cosmos were breathing in with me.
I felt Something Greater Than Me mingling with me. I'm sure
Father Joe would say it was God. You too, huh? Me, I'd call it
The Truth --"

"Mulder --" She felt softer in his arms and one of her arms now
rested around his waist.

" -- It was a fantastic feeling."

"I'm sure it was. It's an incredible gift to feel in tune with the
universe. That's what the mystics of all religions tell us too."
She studied him with her familiar big blue eyes and reminded
him, "God is said to be the Truth in addition to being the Way
and the Life, Mulder. I believe in God. So, don't we believe in the
same thing after all?" She sighed. Before he could respond, she
guided the conversation back to the crux of their dilemma, "But
what are you saying? That you've found what you were looking
for? Or that this spiritual experience just makes you more intent
on continuing your search for What Is  Out There?"

"I don't know." He feared that this admission would make her
contract again, make her harden and withdraw again and want to
go, so he hurried on, "I don't know. But Scully, someday I'm
going to die. I honestly hope I'll go before you do. Or maybe, if I
couldn't have that because it would hurt you too much, maybe we
would be granted, by Fate or God or the Cosmos or Whatever,
the privilege to go together. Until the day I leave this mortal coil,
I have to be myself. You wouldn't respect me or be my one in
seven billion if I wasn't. This last six years, I haven't been myself
fully. Not that I regret our life together. Not at all. But I've had to
live under virtual house arrest, thanks to the government's
half-assed monkey trial. And now that is over and I can do
something productive again. You've been a doctor while I've
been twiddling my thumbs. It's time for me to do something." 

Contrary to his fears, Scully was not pulling away. She was
listening intently. He didn't stop, "But that doesn't mean I want to
dive back into chasing monsters like we did back in the X-Files
days, Scully. I'm older now. I can't be running after perps or
phantoms endlessly. And honestly, my own supply of endurance
of pain and suffering is pretty close to empty too. I think you are
right that everyone has a limit."

"What do you want to do then?" she asked softly.

"Can I think about it?" He hesitated and plunged ahead, "Can we
think about it together?" His eyes pleaded where his voice was
much more level.

Scully continued to search his eyes and he didn't evade her. Then
she nodded once. "Okay, Mulder." She hugged him tightly and
he returned the favor with jubilant gusto. "Oh, and Mulder?

"Uh huh?"

"Don't make me come and save you again anytime soon. You try
to get yourself killed again, and I will kick your ass into the
next galaxy!" 

They were heading back to their unremarkable house and he
stopped for a second. "Deal. Same goes for you, by the way." He
held her face in both hands and kissed her happily again. 

As they climbed up the stairs, he added, "Oh, Scully?"

"Yeeess?"

"Next time we go to town, let's buy ourselves new coats."

"What, you don't like my camel coat, Mulder?"

"Now that you mention it, Scully.."

The door shut the world out as they went inside. 

_________________________________

Note: This is my first story in quite a few years. I finally have the
incentive again. 

I watched the Flynet video a number of times and finally could
not wait until IWTB came out to try to figure out what might
be happening. Since a few things about the movie have come to
light in the last week that bear on this scene, I took advantage of
what I heard in writing this. The actual conversation between
M&S in the movie is assuredly not this lengthy. Still, this is what
I would like to see.

Naturally, comments would be very welcome.