Evil Divine
by Bridget

E-mail: msathenaxf@aol.com
Disclaimer: Not mine, never will be. And thank goodness the real
owners brought them back out to play.
Spoilers: IWTB

Summary: Scully tries to come to terms with her confusion over
Christian's operation.


-------------

For as far back as she could remember, the Catholic Church had been a
monumental part of her life. The rigidity of it was as natural to her
as breathing, simply because--like the military strictness of her
childhood--it had always been there. Rules were rules and you followed
the rules.  God was God and you followed God, because he made the rules.


As she grew up and learned more about life, she began to pull herself
away from both the church and her parents. Scully's foray into
adulthood truly was a break up, rather than a gradual separation. The
day she told her parents she was going to Berkeley to study physics,
despite their disagreement, with or without their financial help, had
been the end of the Dana they knew. Now, though, Scully knew that even
when they did not recognize her, God did.


And so even now, so many years later, the collar around Father
Ybarra's neck, the beads clicking in the nuns' hands, are all familiar
to her.  She knows this; she's lived it, worked it. Scully knows that
God works through these men and women of the cloth. She knows that
they love God and want what is best for this little boy just as much
as she does.


So why isn't she listening to them?


Her mind races in the walk to the surgical theater. This is the same
question that she tried to work out during the car ride to the
hospital.  The same question she asked Mulder and the same question
she asked Father Joe. And she still does not have an answer.


Don't give up. Initially, she followed through with it, telling the
Fearons not to falter. And then Margaret Fearon throws her that damn
line about being a mother. And Scully suddenly remembered that she is
not a mother anymore; she has no claim on this boy, or any right to
make this decision for the people who love him best. And these
realizations brought her to Father Joe's door.


When that turned into a disaster, Scully still did not have her
answers worked out. And she was being forced to choose between her
mind, as she refused to reconcile past and present; her heart, every
time she thought of Christian in his hospital bed; and her soul, which
can only ever be summarized as 'Mulder'.


So now, as she faces the guilt of putting Christian through incredible
pain on the weight of three words from a convicted felon, she doubts
all of her motives. Is she really doing this because she thinks it
will work? Is she trying to save the little boy she gave up so long
ago? Or is she just trying to save herself? Not for the first time,
Scully wishes that she had the strength of Mulder's beliefs. Mulder
believed in Father Joe, but Mulder believes in a lot of things.


He believes she will make the right decision.


She imagines him walking beside her as she traverses the hall. Stares
and ignoble looks from her coworkers are not new. But it was much
easier when she was not alone. Then, there, looming in front of her is
the door to surgical prep. Scully is terrified because she still does
not have an answer.


Don't give up. It could mean so much when it comes to her life. It
could mean nothing. The young resident next to her steps forward,
asking if she is ready to begin. Is she? Was Father Joe only crazy?
Was God trying to tell her something? Was she reading too much into
this all together?


But when Scully looks into the hallway in doubt, her mind stills. She
does not see nuns, watching in disapproval. She sees a blond boy of
about ten, with wounds bleeding from his hands and a mischievous grin
on his face. She sees a killer in an orange jumpsuit, looking at her
with her partner's face. A mentally disturbed man who could see dead
women, and who she saw in turn. She can hear her sister's voice in her
ear, telling her about Emily, and remembers a vision from a Buddhist
temple, where she took her first major step back to God.


In the end, Scully had come to the conclusion that Father Joe's words
were about Mulder--if they meant anything at all. But, really, has she
ever needed God to tell her not to give up on her partner? God has
never shown Himself to her in a conventional way, she realizes. She
found God in her work, not from her priest. Father Joe was both, so
why not him?


She can do this--she is supposed to do this. Confident, Scully sends
up a heartfelt prayer. She realizes that the entire room is waiting on her
answer.


"Yes."


-fin